Day 100 (give or take a few)

Hi everyone...

I would like to apologize for not getting back sooner.... I've wanted to get back and blog, but have just been thinking about the different things I need to talk about before I can tell you all about what's new with me.  The failed romances...Coming out to my extended family... so many conflicts with people... and work going well.

Even though it's only been 100 days, I have to say that I can't look back.  I mean, even though he's been me for the last 30+ years, I can't remember living as "him".... I only see myself as Kacee.  And, a few of my friends and colleagues even told me that they don't remember 'him' either.  This is how I know I'm moving in the right direction.


However, on this Thanksgiving Day (at least here in the States), I wanted to let you know that everything is going well.... really good!  My journey continues but, as the poem says, "I have miles to go before I sleep... miles to go before I sleep."

Even today, I have a new milestone..... my extended family (Aunts, Uncles and Cousins) are going to meet me as Kacee for the first time.  My Mom (who has been a total sweetheart, for the most part) has made it easier by having the 'pre Kacee showing up chat' with them.... so they're all 'in the know.'' however, more importantly, they're all loving and accepting of me... whether I'm "him"... or ME.  I can't wait (although I need to finish getting ready and making a salad to bring ASAP!)

I'm so thankful for all of my wonderful, supportive and loving friends and family.  While having a loving support network isn't a prerequisite for transitioning, I know it makes it so much incredibly easier.

Thanks so much for reading... and for being loving and supportive.  Have a wonderful Thanksgiving!!! 

You all rock!

<3

Kacee

My Knight In Shining Armor... or the Black Knight?

As a 37 year old woman, I face many of the difficulties that genetic women do when it comes to dating.  I realize that 37 is no longer the spring chicken, but I feel lucky that most couldn’t guess my age... I look and feel much younger!  Dating is another challenge.  As a boy, I never really felt right taking the initiative, asking out a woman and being ‘the man’ on the date.

In the past few years, I’ve started dating as a woman… and, since I’ve started, I’ve gained a great deal of experience in dealing with men (which is ironic, considering I was born one).  For starters, dating as a woman just feels natural; I don’t have any of that awkwardness I used to feel dating women as a man.  Getting ready for a date, making myself look beautiful and hoping that my guy will appreciate it, just feels right.  On the date, I also bring my world of dating experience, looking for things that I would’ve done for my date… like opening doors, paying compliments and being a gentleman… and wondering if they will be done for me.

Whether I knew how be a gentleman and treat women as *I* wanted to be treated or if guy’s just don’t know how to treat women, most, if not all, of the guys that I’ve dated have eventually gone into the ‘discard’ pile.

The last 3 weeks, on the other hand, have been completely different.  I met a  Roger on an online dating site.  On paper, things looked good… he is 6’4” (tall enough for my 5’10” frame plus heels), he is a professional photographer (I love photography, from both sides of the camera), he is mature, has life experience and knows how to treat a lady.  On our dates, he makes me feel loved, lusted after, protected and cherished.  In essence, he is *everything* that I can ask for in a guy.

Of course my little slice of perfection is missing an ingredient… he doesn’t know that I am a transsexual.  As an aside, my policy, when dating, is that I do not tell my date about my personal history unless I’m sure that there’s serious dating potential’  Why out myself to every straight guy out there if I don’t even know if there’s anything between us.  If I feel that connection, or something special between us, then and only then will I tell them about my past.  Before Roger, no other man that I’ve dated ever went past the ‘seeing if there’s a spark’ stage; the others always provided me with some reason to know that they would not work.

Roger, on the other hand, is perfect…. He’s the first guy that I’ve dated who truly makes me happy and treats me wonderfully.  If things continued as they are now, he is someone that I could marry, start a family and grow old with.  However, as I’ve mentioned, the biggest hurdle to my perfect life is that Roger doesn’t know that I am TG.

For the past few weeks, I’ve been laboring over and trying to decide whether I needed to tell Roger.  While we have so much in common, I still can’t say that I feel a romantic love for him.  Herein lies my ‘chicken versus egg’ quandary.  Do I not feel that ‘romantic love’’ with him because of the uncertainty of how he would react once he found out that I am tg?  Or, is my lack of a romantic spark due to a lack of romantic feelings toward him?

In the last week and a half, I’ve been trying to figure out the best way to broach this topic with him.  I thought about telling him about a close tg friend of mine, to see if Roger would give me some insight into how he feels about transwomen.

           Last night, Roger and I were using instant messenger to chat.  I told him that, while I’m a happy and fun woman, that I wasn’t always this way.  That, in the past few years, I’ve undergone a lot of personal growth and gained life experience that has made me the woman that I am today.  While I didn’t tell him about my past, I was trying to ‘set the table’ so that we could have that chat.

However, what he told me caused me more concern about how he would react.  He said that, ‘as long as you don’t tell me you used to be a man, we’re good!!!’  He went on to say that he wasn’t a woman before but that it’s possible he could’ve been one in a past life.  I was awestruck, I was stunned, I was confused.... one of the most difficult parts of using instant messaging is that you can’t always tell what someone means when they type something since we don’t have those visual cues... no facial expressions, no wry grins, no winks, etc.

Which leaves me where I am this morning.  He’s asked me to go with him to a friend’s Labor Day Barbecue.  While I’d love to go, his words from last night haunt me.  Was he serious?  Was he just trying to be funny?  I have to admit, this has all given me pause... I mean, if he’s serious, then this is a total deal breaker.  No matter how much he professes to love me and want to be in my life, who knows how he will handle the news?  Or, will his affection and feelings for me change that?

As of right now, I don’t have a good solution or answer to this problem.  He’s been texting me this morning, asking if I wanted to go to the barbecue today.  I’ve managed to put that on the back burner, telling him I was tired.

Where it stands right now is that I told him I’m going to go shopping this afternoon and will probably nibble on something.  Although I hope he would never hurt me (he has martial arts training), I can’t really say for sure how he will react to the news I’m ts.  I’ve selected a casual restaurant with lots of seats.  I don’t know how he will take it, but I can only hope for the best.   I do have feelings for him but, if it’s not in the cards, I need to let it go before either he or I get too attached.

Sometimes, it’s not easy being me... it’s not easy being TG.  I’m not asking for sympathy, but this is one plight that we passable girls face... oftentimes, people don’t know which means that we have to have “The Talk.”

This will be my first “Talk” and I hope it works out well...

.  

What's in my pants? Um... yeah, none of your effen business!

                My therapist and I had an interesting chat today about how people, whether they intend to or not, feel entitled to ask questions that they wouldn't want asked of them.

                In coming out and having countless chats with friends and colleagues, I've noticed that some people feel entitled to ask about my body (and especially my genitals) and what my plans are for them.  I know that they don't ask to be harassing or mean spirited.  However, when you think about it, my transition is my transition... it's a personal thing and my body (and its status) is also my own business.  I mean, how would people respond if I walked up and asked "how's your vagina this morning?"  or "literally, how's *it* hanging today?"

                Suffice to say, people would be shocked and appalled that I was asking about something so personal.. however, when it comes to me, as a transsexual, people seem to think that it's an open topic.  Perhaps I lull people into a false sense of security when being open about my transition, but they need to realize that there are limits to being open. 

               

                People need to realize that, for me, it's not so much about having a vagina.. or not.  While surgery is a distinct possibility later down the road, for me, it's about living the life that I want to live... to be me.. to be Kacee.  I mean, unless I decide to move to a nudist society, my body is fairly irrelevant. 

                However, what's inappropriate?  Clearly, it's too much if someone asks, "so whatcha gonna do with your penis?" However, what if I'm asked "are you going to have surgery?"  This is the fine line that I walk.. I mean, if asked the surgery question, I'm willing to answer 'perhaps?  probably?'.... but, is this telling them more than they need to know?   I mean, they're asking politely and generally but, in the end, asking the same question, albeit in a more tactful way.

     Unfortunately, I don't have a good answer for this.  I know what I've been doing, but just wonder if I'm still being too open.  Ultimately, the answer is that, first and foremost, I need to embrace this as *my* transition and realize that I am in control, telling people what I want to tell them, and not a peep more than that.  While, for the most part, I don't mind talking about my body, it's more the principal behind it.... don't be asking questions you wouldn't want asked of you. 

Lunch...

As week #2 of full time is quickly coming to end, I have to tell you the same thing I said after day #1… it’s been really uneventful.

However, today, I really felt good… I was at the store yesterday and picked up the cutest dark gray houndstooth slacks and paired it, today, with an eggplant sleeveless top and my new black patent booties.  At lunch, I went to a food court Downtown, tried out a new restaurant and sat quietly with my phone and headphones.

Surrounded by all of the other office workers, I enjoyed a yummy lunch and had one thought come to mind… ‘this *is* how it should be.’

At the moment, it hit me…. I get to be *ME* to the world… me, not he… but **ME**, the happy, beautiful tall Asian girl… just rocking it.  There’s no need to live that dual life anymore….and, despite all that I’ve been through in making the transition, this is truly what it’s all about. 

Since then, I just have this peace… this calm in my soul… and it’s a feeling so wonderful that I can’t even explain it.  Suffice to say that it’s somewhere between bliss, between joyful tears and as close to feeling ‘in love’ as I’ve felt.

I hope that this feeling will never fade… only get intensify and get better!

    

My first day...

Hi everyone,

     My first official day of being full time has come and gone.  I have to say that, while it was so wonderful being me on the commute and at work, for the most part, it was a very uneventful day.

     I actually arrived at work early that day (which is quite a change from the usual 'wake up, turn off alarm, fall back asleep' pattern I normally follow) and got comfortable in my office.  As they stumbled in from the weekend, one by one, my colleagues came into my office to welcome and compliment me.  Even my boss stopped in, offered her hand and, when I shook it, said, "Welcome to the first day of the rest of your life."

     I loved my outfit... an eggplant bandage dress with my new chocolate brown Cole Haan pumps... and a new Amrita Singh gold braid necklace.

     Everyone at work has been so incredibly sweet and supportive.... everyone has been really good about calling me Kacee... and, while I wish I had done it sooner, I know that it had to happen organically in it's own time... and I was not ready a few years ago.

     It is a bit of an adjustment, as you might have guessed.  Dress shoes and heels are much much less comfy than the Rockport loafers I used to wear... and I've been picking out (and trying out) my outfits the night before, as opposed to 1) finding clean shirt, 2) selecting matching slacks, 3) picking out a coordinated tie.. .all in about 3 minutes in the morning.

     However, if there's something that I've always prided myself on, it's being able to adjust and adapt.  Despite being 'pretty much full time' for the last 2 years, doing it for reals, day after day, is different.  I'm only on day #3 right now... I'm sure that it'll get easier and I'll fall into the swing of things.  A successful transition is something that I will not give up on... so I just have to stick it out until it becomes routine.  And, that's a matter of changing the habits that were learned through thirty seven years of "his" life and learning new habits part of *my* life

<3

Kacee

My Oh-So-Stealthy Post to my unknowing friends

 Hi everyone... the vast majority of my friends don't know that I'm tg.  

Today is the official first day of being full time, so, to mark the occasion, I posted this to my online profile for both my knowing and unknowing friends.  Of course, since you know about me, this does add a new wrinkle on the blog, doesn't it?

<3

Kacee

=============================================================================

Hi peeps, today starts the Kacee 365 project, in which I am making a conscious effort, in the next year, to live my life on my terms and to be the woman who I want to be.

The easy part is that my life isn’t out of control, by any stretch of the imagination.  However, there are areas that I’ve wanted, for so long, to improve upon.  This project is the springboard upon which I’m going to start taking action and making those positive changes in my life.

First and foremost, my goal is to be *ME*.  Don’t worry, you haven’t been spending time with Sybil, my split personality twin… but, my main goal is to embrace who I am and move forward with a ‘take no prisoners’ type of spirit.  I am a firm believer of the Japanese notion of ‘kaizen,’ which is a process of continual improvement… to never be ‘comfortable’ or content with the ‘good enough’ in the status quo.  For the past few years, I’ve lived my life, but was more tentative about moving out of my comfort zone and making those necessary changes.  I’ve decided that today is a birth of the new and improved Kacee 3.0.

My second goal is to avoid drama.  While I don’t go out of my way looking for drama, for some reason, it seems to stalk me, like a lion chasing down its prey.  I can no longer tolerate people who cause drama in my life… people who are energy vampires… or people who aren’t rooting for me to accomplish my goals.  From now on, I will make more of a concerted effort to avoid the Eeyores, the leeches and the back stabbers… at all costs. 

My third goal is to rededicate myself to achieving my body goals.  While I’m not morbidly obese or even out of shape, I want to achieve more with my body.  Through good eating, exercise or any other means, I want to achieve the body that I have desire and always dreamed of.    Plus, I know that, as I get older, it’s going to be more difficult to achieve that body too.

The Kacee 365 Project is something that I’m creating which means I set the rules.  You won’t see me post pictures of cats doing idiotic things or begging for prayers… this is my own project for self improvement.  I may update you all, from time to time, if you’re interested… but, in truth, it’s all about motivating *myself* to achieve the goals I’ve always wanted… and to be at that place in life where I long to be.    

<3  

Kacee

PS.  (Just so you know I’m not a totally different Kacee… I’m marking today with a beautiful eggplant bandage dress, my new chocolate brown Cole Haan pumps and a shiny Amrita Singh gold braid necklace.... nothing Hello Kitty, but the day is young)

The night before...

So, it's the night before Kacee's first day at work...

The nervousness that I had felt before had passed... the outfit is picked out (a beautiful eggplant bandage dress) and hanging on the door.  Now it's just a matter of making sure I get up and out of bed to get ready.

I don't fear what's ahead of me since I know it will be good.  My colleagues are all excited for me and, more importantly, I'm ecstatic that I can finally be myself in the office.

She's been me for the longest time.. but it will be nice for the work world to see me as I am.

So, 500am, I know that you will be here faster than I can imagine... but, once you do, I'll be ready.

Buh-Ring-It!!!!!!!

And that's a wrap...

This weekend brought a close to the chapter of "him."

While I'm happy, knowing that it's all about Kacee, I have to spend a second to mourn 'him.'

I mean, he's been me for the last 37 years....and, now, he's going to fade into the background.

He's not dead..... he's not being obliterated by Kacee.  He is being melded into the complete person that I am today.

His memories will always be there.... his upbringing and knowledge will always be there too.  And, as Kacee, I am the sum of all the remaining parts.

My colleagues went to lunch on Thursday for, as they called it my 'last day as a guy.'  A friend later nicknamed it my 'reverse bar mitzvah.'  It was really sweet and I was so touched by their gesture.  Plus, they all keep telling me how excited they are for Monday.


However, with my official 'full time' date approaching, I started to think of all the lasts... the last time I'm going to wear a suit... the last time I'm wearing boy clothes.. the last time I will pee standing up...

And then, on Friday... the last last... "his" last dinner with my parents... and, literally, his last day.

After all that I've been through and the road ahead of me, I felt that it was important to give my parents a last chance to say goodbye to 'him.'  I know that my parents are dealt with things enough to understand the direction where I'm going... while not overjoyed by the news that I was transitioning, they, like good parents, are supportive.

Dinner was unbelievably uneventful with my parents.  We ate.. we chatted... and we never talked about going full time.  It was just like any other dinner.  I gave my Dad a hug... and then went off with my Mother for a foot massage.  Post massage, we parted ways with a hug... and that was the last chapter of 'him.'

I know not what lies ahead of me except for the chance to finally be *me*  As I venture ahead in the great unknown, I suppose that's enough for me right now.. however, I know that things will only get better from this point on.

Wow.. I'm speechless (and grabbing a tissue)

Last night, I had mentioned that a close friend of mine had stopped by.  She is one of the few people who know me both as "him" and "her"... and last night was her chance to say goodbye to 'him.'

When she got home, she posted the most touching thing ever written about me.... it moved me so much that I want to share it with you.

Although we don't have years of history between us, we have developed a dear and wonderful friendship in this short time.

Thanks you for being *you*... and I can't even begin to tell you what your words meant to me this morning :)

<3

Kacee

===================================================================

I will never forget the first time I saw him...His long hair in a pony tail..His blue long sleeved shirt rolled up to his forearms.His khaki pants.His black belt.His black shoes..I introduced myself to him with a smile, and in return, he followed up with a firm handshake..In the process of meeting him, I knew there was something special about him, but<exhale>, I could'nt put my finger on it..He did glow, however, and it looked like he was trying to hide it...but, I like to think when one is paying attention to another person's aura, they can't hide it...or supress it..I wanted to convey to him he was in a safe place, and to let his light shine..and I think, eventually, he got that from me..And he did..enough to where he could trust me to let me in to be apart of who he is..The more times I was with him, the more he opened up...Shall I say, a river flowing in the ocean..We became friends shortly afterwards..Good friends..I can say I've never known a man like him. His personality won me over, and I must admit, I couldn't resist him..Intelligent, humourous, accomdating, loving, compassionate, but yet, very firm..strong.willful..Ambitious..Oh God, ambitious! I love that about him..He was also someone who accepted me for me..My downfalls..My mishaps..My stupid moments<lol>..Me..and never once did he judge me..Just acceptance. I didn't really get to spend that much time with him, but it seems that there was a life time there between us.The times we were together were an absolute blast.laughing.joking.talking.I enjoyed his company to the fullest extent that I could.Tonight was the night I shall see him for the last time..We hung out together, drank wine, watched a movie, and talked..I recorded every moment I possibly could have in my mind so that I would'nt forget him.How he looked..How he talked..How we embraced heavily in tears in each others arms.I melted there..I hated to let him go...but..I had to.God, it pained me to do so.<tears>.I walked away from his place, crying..Got into my car, and came home to write this. I know now that I shall not forget him.He's going away, and never coming back<more tears="">..I DO wish him well, and I'd like to think someday, I'll join him soon..I will say this..He is a man I DO truly love, and there will NEVER be another him..And now,my sun has set...<exhale with="" head="" bowed=""></exhale></more></tears></lol></exhale>

"Luke....There is another Skywalker!" <laughing> It is amazing how life works..someone else is here! My sun has risen! Here she is, and may the whole fuckin' world look out! Cuz no one and nothing is stoppin' this woman! She is on the move, Jack, and ya best be gettin out of her way! "Buuh ring it!" as she says, waving her finger, and rolling her neck. She is a freight train moving FULL SPEED AHEAD and will stop for no one!<except for="" maybe="" me="" to="" get="" on="" board=""> Ah yes, but much to my delight, she took my hand with no mis step from him and held it into hers.Just like the smooth passing the baton in a relay race.Her hand out stretched, and with a gleem in her eyes, and that perfect smile on her face invited me to come along.I know now that I must buckle my seatbelt with her for this is going to be an adventurous journey.I can't wait! Infact, I'm on it now.Just as she is with me and mine.She is beautiful! Alive! Vibrant! Hair flowing.Pep in her step.sparkle in her smile, and oh my God, CONFIDENT in her ability to do what she does, and do it well..Highly intelligent.Well read.Well cultured. And in addition to all that she does, she will take the time to swing her foot up my ass when I need it..What more could I ask for?? And who would think someone like her would accept and love me just as he did?..She is someone I hold dear to me.My special friend.I want her to know this..I am with you til the end..You're stuck with me, babes, and as I told you before.I'm not going anywhere. So, people like her and him don't come along very often in ones life, but I must say, I AM the lucky one..or shall I say blessed?? Yes, I am. To both of you..For him.He's some place special within me..He's safe there.."You're here..There's nothing I fear, and I know that my heart will go on.We'll stay forever this way..You are safe in my heart, and my heart will go on, and on." For her. "I'll show you love..I'll show you everything.With arms wide open.<embracing her=""></embracing></except></laughing>

In mourning...

                With less than a week left before going full time, I've been so excited, but also so nervous. 

                Despite the fact that it's such a huge change, I thought that I was emotionally ready... but I'm starting to realize that I haven't had a sufficient chance to mourn my boyself.

                A post op friend of mine told me that she never mourned herself as a boy.  She was so glad to transition that she never looked back.  I suppose that I'm a bit more sentimental than she is.  I mean, I've been 'him' for the last 37 years... and, while I'm excited, eager and ready to be Kacee, part of me will still miss 'him.'   I mean, how can I not?  'He' has been my identity for all of my life.... 'He' is known to all of my family and relatives.. and, heck, 'He' is the one who is memorialized in my high school yearbook.

                A friends who knows me both as Kacee and "him" came by tonight to spend some time.  We had popped a movie in and chatted a bit, but we both knew that this was her chance to say goodbye to 'him.'

                After the movie, it was time for her to go home... and, while I gave her a nice long hug goodbye, we both started crying.  It's not as if I wouldn't see her again (in fact, I may see her tomorrow)... but there was just something about spending that last moment.. with her and 'him' together that brought about so much emotion.

                As she left, I went up to my bedroom, crawled into bed, snuggled with my teddy bear and cried for a half hour.  I can't even say what about it all made me cry... I mean, I will always be me and 'his' memories will always be my memories.  I also realize that he's not dying or going away; instead, he is just melding seamlessly into Karine.  However, with that being said, I don't know why I have so much pent up sadness that 'he' was going away.

                So, what I've been trying to figure out for the last hour is what, in particular, will I miss about 'him?'  Is it that 'he' is just like a comfortable pair of old, worn shoes which, even though they've outlived their usefulness, are comforting to have around for sentimental reasons?  Or is there something else?  I don't care about male privilege.. and I have no desire whatsoever to be a guy... so why am I sad?

                I don't know what the next few days will hold.. whether that cleansing, cathartic cry was enough.. or whether I still need to find some other way to mourn 'him.'  Despite what happens, I can't wait to start the next phase of life.  

                  True, I am a beautiful butterfly, emerging from the cocoon.... but, despite that, there's just something about that caterpillar stage that I have a sentimental attachment to...  

Red's Quote

"I find I'm so excited, I can barely sit still or hold a thought in my head. 
I think it's the excitement only a free man can feel, a free man at the start 
of a long journey whose conclusion is uncertain..."

Red from "The Shawshank Redemption"

A few weeks ago, I was thinking about life and my impending transition.  For some reason, I remembered Red's monologue from Shawshank.  True, he was thinking about reuniting with Andy, and not being a transsexual, but the sentiment still remains the same.

I feel the same... I'm so excited about the upcoming journey in front of me.  It's something that I've wanted for so long and finally seems attainable... especially as the last month of life as a male is quickly coming to an end.

<3

Kacee

Moving Forward into the Happy Unknown

I’m back… and, I have to say, BOY AM I BACK!

The last few weeks have been really big for me.  I’ve gotten lazy about blogging of late and really want to try to keep up with it, if nothing, at least to preserve some of the memories of everything I’m going through right now.

As you know, the last few years have really been a struggle for me.  Moving from the depths of depression and contemplating suicide to the woman who I am today; confident, strong and knowing precisely what I want out of life.  However, that being said, I’m still not one to rest on my laurels… for me, life is all about constant improvement.

Even though I’ve made strides in accepting my identity as a transsexual woman, I think back to the GI Joe PSA’s, which used to tell us that ‘knowing is half the battle.’  The rest of the battle, for me, is moving forward and starting to transition.  Exploring my transsexual identity has been an exercise in taking small steps… seeking out a therapist, starting hormones, going full time and (if it works out) having sexual reassignment surgery (SRS).  I’ve known for few years that I wanted to transition, but I’ve been nervous and scared to really move forward with things.  Finally, at long last, I came to the realization that I can no longer split time between living as a man and living as a woman.

On June 24th, I moved beyond the fear and nervousness and retook ownership of my life; I am ready to take that next step in my transition… living full time.  

As a bit of background, I should mention that, for all intents and purposes, I’ve been living full time except at work.  Outside of the office, I’m Kacee, with a large group of wonderful friends, the majority of whom do not know I’m transgendered, and a crazy busy social calendar.  Work, on the other hand, has been more difficult because my office is very conservative.  So, while I enjoyed the fabulousness of Kacee on the weekend, I’ve had to rock the drab boy-ness during the week.  I had once thought that I’d be able to keep my two lives separate.  However, time and acceptance of who I am has caused the divide between Kacee and my boyself to meld together.  The result is that I’m no longer to keep these two aspects of myself separate.  I’ve started to integrate them into just one person… Kacee.

The last few weeks of my life have been a whirlwind.  I came out to my boss on the next day, June 25th, and immediately started to put together a plan for going full time (yeah, I’m a planner girl).  I spent the rest of the week getting my name change paperwork together, as well as making calls to human resources and personnel.  By the 4th of July weekend, I was fully prepared and ready to declare Kacee’s independence from my boyself and spent the week coming out to colleagues and friends alike.  

I’m pleased to tell you that everything has gone unbelievably smoothly.  Everyone that I’ve spoken and come out to has been unbelievably sweet and supportive.... exceeding my wildest expectations.  I know that there will be a few stink bombs out there, the people who doesn’t know how to take the news and act negatively, but I don’t encourage those people to tell me what they think.  

Even though everything has gone wonderfully and smoothly, I can’t tell you, however, that, “if I had known that everyone had been this sweet, that I would’ve transitioned sooner.”  We all have a path in life and we can’t branch off of it unless it’s the right time and place.  Two years ago, when I first started thinking about transitioning, I was not ready to move forward, despite knowing that it was the direction that I wanted to go.  It was important for me to take the time to regroup, find the inner strength and courage and think about how I wanted everything to come together.

After coming out to roughly 50+ people in the last three weeks, I have to admit that I’m just tired physically and emotionally of coming out.  After the 5th or 6th time, it really become repetitive, but I realize that it’s something that I need to do for the people who I care about.  For me, there’s nothing like that ‘personal touch,’ which gives me an opportunity to tell them about myself and my feelings, for close friends and people who need to be ‘in the know.’  I really want them to understand everything that’s involved in transitioning as well as the personal torment that I’ve gone through to find myself at this point.  Transitioning isn’t a choice; it is a necessity for me.

One smirk-worthy thing that I have noticed is that, in the vast majority of the people I’ve spoken to, they all say, “whatever makes you happy.”  I take them at their word and realize that they accept me for who I am at my core and essence, rather than my appearance *because* it makes me happy.  However, in the back of my head, I always equate that with “I think you’re totally effen crazy, and I wouldn’t do anything like that... but, good for you if it makes you happy.”  That being said, I’m so blessed to have friends who realize that I will still be me, no matter what I look like on the outside.  

I’ve chosen August 15th, 2011 for my ‘going full time’ day.  The main symbolism is that 8/15 is the 3rd anniversary of starting hormones.  I have mixed feelings... on one hand, I can’t wait for that day to come soon enough, however, on the other hand, I realize that it means the end of my boy-side.  Since that life, those experiences and memories will always be with me, he will never truly die; much like Kacee has, for the past 30 years, he must now take a back seat in my life.

I have less than a month before showtime and it’s been a crazy preparation time.  From ‘shopping for work clothes’ to filing name change documents, it’s certainly something new every day.  I hope to share more of this joyous experience with you all!

Love,

Kacee

What might have been... or not?

As I rode the bus into work this morning, it stopped at the traffic light on Exposition, directly across from USC.  Waiting for the light to change, I stared across at the campus and thought about my life.

Coming to terms with being transsexual in my thirties, I often wonder how my life would be different if I had been able to understand, realize and come to terms with things much earlier in life.  How much more I would’ve enjoyed prom being able to wear a beautiful gown?  Whether college would not have been the awkward time as a young co-ed that it was for me?  So, for a few seconds, I felt sad; sad realizing that that ship had sailed and how I never would really know; sad, thinking about what might have been. 

“Don’t lament the path behind you because, without it, you would not be where you are today”

On a retreat a few years ago, a Buddhist monk had shared these words of wisdom with me.  While I understood the meaning of what she has been saying at the time, in recent years, I’ve had a chance to live the meaning.

Life has taught me that the ‘what if’s’ can tear you up inside and twist your mind like a pretzel.  What if I known as a teenager? What if I had been born a genetic girl?  What if I had transitioned 10 years ago before starting my job?

While these questions are all valid, they do nothing to help; in fact, they can only serve to torture, making you wish and long for things that you can never have.  The past is the past and can’t be changed, however, without certain experiences, without meeting certain people, without living life, I can honestly say that I would not be the same woman who I am today.

It would have been nice to transition in my teens, but I know that I wasn’t in a place where I could fathom being transsexual nor had the emotional strength to endure all that’s involved.  In short, I would’ve crumbled. 

While the path I’ve taken is a bit longer and windier than I’d prefer, it has been the journey, not the perceived destination, that has given me the strength to be who I am today.   Although I realize that transitioning on the job will be difficult, I hope that my life experiences and maturity will help me overcome this challenge and allow me to flourish.

<3

A Happy Un-Birthday to me

                Yesterday was February 22… in the course of the world, it’s just one of 365 but, for me, it’s an anniversary of sorts.  It was 9 years ago that I first set foot into the world as Kacee.

                When I woke up that morning, I had no idea that I would be starting down the path to where I am today.  Instead, I was going to get a transformation, perhaps go home and take some photos, wash up and go to bed.  However, after my friend Linda finished, she asked if I wanted to go out with her to the Queen Mary, the drag club up in the Valley.  As someone who had only dressed at home, , I jumped at the chance to actually venture out into public.  To be quite honest, I don’t remember much about the club that night, except that I met my friend Kimmie (who I am still great friends with) in the ladies’ room, chatting at the mirror. 

                For years, I had observed February 22^nd as “Kacee’s Birthday,” even incorporating 2/22 into my email address.  However, in recent years, it’s lost some significance for me.  In a life of transition, I’m finding that there are more and more ‘anniversaries’ and special dates to remember.  While February 22^nd represents a ‘first step out’ for me, there are now other dates… the day I started hormones, the day (coming soon) when I’ll be full time and, of course, the day that I will fully transition.

                It wasn’t until 1130pm last night that I really stopped to think about February 22^nd… how it used to be such a big deal for me, but now is just the day that my car’s registration is due.  It did get me thinking, however, about how far I’ve come… from that first day, feeling awkward and out of place to today, when I’m 90% full time and walk the world with poise and confidence, spreading fabulousness to the world. 

Thanks to all of the special people in my life who I’ve met along the way.  In some small (or perhaps large) way, you’ve all contributed and helped me to evolve to the woman you see today.

<3