Red's Quote

"I find I'm so excited, I can barely sit still or hold a thought in my head. 
I think it's the excitement only a free man can feel, a free man at the start 
of a long journey whose conclusion is uncertain..."

Red from "The Shawshank Redemption"

A few weeks ago, I was thinking about life and my impending transition.  For some reason, I remembered Red's monologue from Shawshank.  True, he was thinking about reuniting with Andy, and not being a transsexual, but the sentiment still remains the same.

I feel the same... I'm so excited about the upcoming journey in front of me.  It's something that I've wanted for so long and finally seems attainable... especially as the last month of life as a male is quickly coming to an end.

<3

Kacee

Moving Forward into the Happy Unknown

I’m back… and, I have to say, BOY AM I BACK!

The last few weeks have been really big for me.  I’ve gotten lazy about blogging of late and really want to try to keep up with it, if nothing, at least to preserve some of the memories of everything I’m going through right now.

As you know, the last few years have really been a struggle for me.  Moving from the depths of depression and contemplating suicide to the woman who I am today; confident, strong and knowing precisely what I want out of life.  However, that being said, I’m still not one to rest on my laurels… for me, life is all about constant improvement.

Even though I’ve made strides in accepting my identity as a transsexual woman, I think back to the GI Joe PSA’s, which used to tell us that ‘knowing is half the battle.’  The rest of the battle, for me, is moving forward and starting to transition.  Exploring my transsexual identity has been an exercise in taking small steps… seeking out a therapist, starting hormones, going full time and (if it works out) having sexual reassignment surgery (SRS).  I’ve known for few years that I wanted to transition, but I’ve been nervous and scared to really move forward with things.  Finally, at long last, I came to the realization that I can no longer split time between living as a man and living as a woman.

On June 24th, I moved beyond the fear and nervousness and retook ownership of my life; I am ready to take that next step in my transition… living full time.  

As a bit of background, I should mention that, for all intents and purposes, I’ve been living full time except at work.  Outside of the office, I’m Kacee, with a large group of wonderful friends, the majority of whom do not know I’m transgendered, and a crazy busy social calendar.  Work, on the other hand, has been more difficult because my office is very conservative.  So, while I enjoyed the fabulousness of Kacee on the weekend, I’ve had to rock the drab boy-ness during the week.  I had once thought that I’d be able to keep my two lives separate.  However, time and acceptance of who I am has caused the divide between Kacee and my boyself to meld together.  The result is that I’m no longer to keep these two aspects of myself separate.  I’ve started to integrate them into just one person… Kacee.

The last few weeks of my life have been a whirlwind.  I came out to my boss on the next day, June 25th, and immediately started to put together a plan for going full time (yeah, I’m a planner girl).  I spent the rest of the week getting my name change paperwork together, as well as making calls to human resources and personnel.  By the 4th of July weekend, I was fully prepared and ready to declare Kacee’s independence from my boyself and spent the week coming out to colleagues and friends alike.  

I’m pleased to tell you that everything has gone unbelievably smoothly.  Everyone that I’ve spoken and come out to has been unbelievably sweet and supportive.... exceeding my wildest expectations.  I know that there will be a few stink bombs out there, the people who doesn’t know how to take the news and act negatively, but I don’t encourage those people to tell me what they think.  

Even though everything has gone wonderfully and smoothly, I can’t tell you, however, that, “if I had known that everyone had been this sweet, that I would’ve transitioned sooner.”  We all have a path in life and we can’t branch off of it unless it’s the right time and place.  Two years ago, when I first started thinking about transitioning, I was not ready to move forward, despite knowing that it was the direction that I wanted to go.  It was important for me to take the time to regroup, find the inner strength and courage and think about how I wanted everything to come together.

After coming out to roughly 50+ people in the last three weeks, I have to admit that I’m just tired physically and emotionally of coming out.  After the 5th or 6th time, it really become repetitive, but I realize that it’s something that I need to do for the people who I care about.  For me, there’s nothing like that ‘personal touch,’ which gives me an opportunity to tell them about myself and my feelings, for close friends and people who need to be ‘in the know.’  I really want them to understand everything that’s involved in transitioning as well as the personal torment that I’ve gone through to find myself at this point.  Transitioning isn’t a choice; it is a necessity for me.

One smirk-worthy thing that I have noticed is that, in the vast majority of the people I’ve spoken to, they all say, “whatever makes you happy.”  I take them at their word and realize that they accept me for who I am at my core and essence, rather than my appearance *because* it makes me happy.  However, in the back of my head, I always equate that with “I think you’re totally effen crazy, and I wouldn’t do anything like that... but, good for you if it makes you happy.”  That being said, I’m so blessed to have friends who realize that I will still be me, no matter what I look like on the outside.  

I’ve chosen August 15th, 2011 for my ‘going full time’ day.  The main symbolism is that 8/15 is the 3rd anniversary of starting hormones.  I have mixed feelings... on one hand, I can’t wait for that day to come soon enough, however, on the other hand, I realize that it means the end of my boy-side.  Since that life, those experiences and memories will always be with me, he will never truly die; much like Kacee has, for the past 30 years, he must now take a back seat in my life.

I have less than a month before showtime and it’s been a crazy preparation time.  From ‘shopping for work clothes’ to filing name change documents, it’s certainly something new every day.  I hope to share more of this joyous experience with you all!

Love,

Kacee