Hi everyone, I've been busy riding the rollercoaster of life. I think when we had last chatted, I had come out to both my Mother (part 2) and my sister. With my family, not too much has changed… I haven't talked to my sister in awhile about "things"… although, from time to time, my Mother and I have talked about the tg thingy… and, after finally motivating myself to read "True Selves," I was able to pass the book onto her.
The rollercoaster, of late, has seemed to be more of Space Mountain variety… what I mean is that life has sorta been like riding a roller coaster in the dark. I know for sure I'm on the ride, but I often can't tell whether I'm going up or down until it's too late.
I am still figuring out who I am and what I want out of life (that hasn't changed from blog to blog) but I just seem to have my good days and bad days… and, while I may be feeling fine one minute, the next I may be hurling back down to Earth, descending towards an abyss of sadness, loneliness, pessimism and just generally feeling kinda *blah* about life.
As I'm sure I've mentioned before, I have an idea of where I'm going in life in regards to the TG thing. A few of the biggest stressors (other than laboring over the question of whether "am I really…. or not?') has been in regard to family, friends and work.
Family, you all know about… I'm nearly all the way there to telling my immediate family (sorry Dad, it's not your time yet)… and friends… well, I'll have to take it as it happens.
The work thingy has been a big deal for me. Without revealing too many secrets, I work for the county in a very conservative office. While I've met a completely transitioned colleague (she is self employed, but has interactions with my office) who says that people in my office are wonderfully understanding, I'm still a bit uncomfortable with the notion of transitioning in my office (if that's where I'm going with things). The other thingy is that, while I'm doing worthwhile work, I've just not ever felt that it was my life calling… however, it's the safe job…, a decent salary, good hours and plenty of job security
As those who know me will attest to, I've stated on a number of occasions that I'm looking to make a change… but, when push comes to shove, I always find a reason to procrastinate.
Well… this past week, I had one of those moments that spurred me to action. I had a run in with a coworker (who is a 'problem child' that has stabbed me in the back before)… the details aren't important, however, none of it was my fault. Afterwards, when I talked to my bosses about it, they told me that they get a lot of complaints about her… but that I should have communicated better with her. That really made me angry since I went above and beyond what I needed to… and, despite doing so, this coworker still threw a tantrum.
Wednesday night, I left work angry… I mean, I work hard, I help people out in ways outside of my job duties and I'm good at what I do.
Thursday, I came into work… and had a revelation. I wasn't happy on the job… and the bosses weren't backing me up when my coworker was messing with me. Why the heck am I staying here? Now, I didn't have any dramatic "walking into my bosses office and telling them to 'take their job and shove it'" moments. However, I came to the realization that this job isn't the only job in the world for me… and that it was finally time to make a change (!!!!!). As I walked out of the building to go to lunch, I smiled, then giggled…. all while thinking about the wonderful moment when I will go into my boss' office and resign after finding the job that truly makes me happy.
Since then, I've felt better about everything… the dark cloud that has followed me around has seemed to gone its own way. Standing up for myself and putting that coworker in her place has given me a big boost of self esteem and confidence. I know for certain that my mood has improved… and, at this point in time, it's just a matter of dusting off and reconstructing my resume…. and getting back into job search mode. Guess what I'm hoping to do over this long weekend :)
I am going to have a busy next week and a half at work… but, in my spare moments, I'm going to try to get online to find jobs with meaning… places where I feel that I can work and fulfill my life's calling. It's strange and unfamiliar for me, but I can't wait to feel some sort of joy and purpose when going to work… instead of just going someplace merely to collect a paycheck.
I'll try to keep everyone posted…
Love,
Kacee
