Looking back at 2008, this has been a year of many ups and downs for me. In the end, though, I wouldn't change a thing about the way that I spent my last year (although, in retrospect, I would've brought a heavier and warmer jacket when I went out last week).
What stands out most in my mind is that this is the year that I finally learned to love and honor myself. As many people know, it's been a constant struggle to really accept and embrace *ME*. In this past year, I've moved forward and taken affirmative steps to being *ME*…. by starting hormones and living in the real world (not just existing solely in the universe of my friends).
I had resisted hormones long enough but finally got to the point where it was something that I had to do. I owed it to myself to explore it and, 5 months later, I'm noticing and embracing the changes, physical, emotional and mental, that is has brought. While I still don't have a set plan as to how I will proceed, I know what my endgame is… and it's just a matter of improvising the journey to get there.
The other big change in my life was the people around me. Drama happened with former friends and made me an innocent victim. I've blogged about it before and, as you might expect, on some level, it still really really hurts. However, on the eve of 2009, I can safely say that I've moved on. This is the last that you'll hear of it, unless something new happens… and, quite honestly, in this one paragraph, I've already wasted too much time on those people.
However, with the friend drama, I've had an opportunity to surround myself with some really positive, loving and supportive people. It's hard to trust and love after you've been hurt by those closest to you, but my new friends have made it easy. They are warm and loving and are the bright lights in my life. Life no longer revolves around going only out to a club, but is filled with fun, exciting and interesting outings and a parade of fun new people. To my new friends, you know who you are... and you totally ROCK!!! Thanks for being in my life.
I realize that I'm a lucky girl… I have a loving family, fabulous and supportive friends and a secure job. With the economy going south, my government job with civil service protection seems even more appealing. While I know that it's not ultimately my life's work, it's comfortable enough for the time being.
With the positive momentum from 2008 (and ignoring the negative things), I am ready to charge forward into 2009. With that enthusiasm and energy, there are still things I will keep in mind:
- Finding balance through moderation: While I'm a firm believer in balance and moderation in life, at times, it's easy to lose sight of that goal. I hope to find moderation in everything that I do in 2009… whether it is spending money on (yet another) fabulous purse or pair of shoes, splurging on a Costco hot dog or going out for 4 nights in a row, I need to show more self restraint.
- Don't forget the fundamentals: In the past, I've always found success by breaking things down to their most basic elements to conquer seemingly daunting problems. This is the way that I lost 50 pounds before. The fundamentals of 'eating less and only until full (not stuffed)' and getting regular exercise (going back to spinning and incorporating yoga and pilates), will be the way that I'll lose the 10lbs that I've given back recently (after keeping it off for many years).
- 'I am simply *ME*, no one can be a better *ME* than I can': This was a reflection suggested to me by a Buddhist monk on a meditation retreat. While it seems simple and pretty 'duh,' it has stuck in my mind for the last year or so. Basically, I need to live my life and be *ME*… not the "me" that others expect or want me to be (dutiful child, etc) … but the person who I am. In living that life, I need to be open, free, daring… essentially, as Tim McGraw says, "Live like you were dying." Moreover, this also means that I need to keep an open mind about everything… whether it's just trusting that I'll find love eventually (keeping my fingers crossed) or knowing that I want to find another job, I must be open to change in order to recognize these opportunities when they come.
- Dramaprofen, brought to you by Kacee: How cool would it be if they made a medication to bring down the hurt and pain from drama? I've had my fair share of drama this past year. It's not fun… it's not healthy… and far requires too much energy. For so many years, I've managed to avoid mega drama, however, with finding and growing into myself, it's found me. Sort of the 'you can't make an omelet without breaking eggs' theory of life. I hope to be much better at spotting approaching drama and, much like seeing a drunken loser at a bar, running like heck when I see it.
I'm sure I could go on for days about small changes I can make in life (not using 'potty mouth' language and my 'driving finger' while on the freeway, re-reading the Four Agreements, etc), but I think most of the small stuff (which Richard Carlson tells us not to sweat, since it's all small stuff) can pretty much be summed up by the ideas above.
2008 was considered a sub-par or bad year by many, however, it has been positive for me. I feel so lucky to have so many wonderful friends... and I'm so elated to have you in my life!!!!! Armed with a 'can do' approach, I can't wait to see what jewels and treasures await me in 2009.
Have a fabulous (and rockin') new year… and I'll see you all on the flip side (of the calendar)!
Love always,
Kacee
