With less than a week left before going full time, I've been so excited, but also so nervous.
Despite the fact that it's such a huge change, I thought that I was emotionally ready... but I'm starting to realize that I haven't had a sufficient chance to mourn my boyself.
A post op friend of mine told me that she never mourned herself as a boy. She was so glad to transition that she never looked back. I suppose that I'm a bit more sentimental than she is. I mean, I've been 'him' for the last 37 years... and, while I'm excited, eager and ready to be Kacee, part of me will still miss 'him.' I mean, how can I not? 'He' has been my identity for all of my life.... 'He' is known to all of my family and relatives.. and, heck, 'He' is the one who is memorialized in my high school yearbook.
A friends who knows me both as Kacee and "him" came by tonight to spend some time. We had popped a movie in and chatted a bit, but we both knew that this was her chance to say goodbye to 'him.'
After the movie, it was time for her to go home... and, while I gave her a nice long hug goodbye, we both started crying. It's not as if I wouldn't see her again (in fact, I may see her tomorrow)... but there was just something about spending that last moment.. with her and 'him' together that brought about so much emotion.
As she left, I went up to my bedroom, crawled into bed, snuggled with my teddy bear and cried for a half hour. I can't even say what about it all made me cry... I mean, I will always be me and 'his' memories will always be my memories. I also realize that he's not dying or going away; instead, he is just melding seamlessly into Karine. However, with that being said, I don't know why I have so much pent up sadness that 'he' was going away.
So, what I've been trying to figure out for the last hour is what, in particular, will I miss about 'him?' Is it that 'he' is just like a comfortable pair of old, worn shoes which, even though they've outlived their usefulness, are comforting to have around for sentimental reasons? Or is there something else? I don't care about male privilege.. and I have no desire whatsoever to be a guy... so why am I sad?
I don't know what the next few days will hold.. whether that cleansing, cathartic cry was enough.. or whether I still need to find some other way to mourn 'him.' Despite what happens, I can't wait to start the next phase of life.
True, I am a beautiful butterfly, emerging from the cocoon.... but, despite that, there's just something about that caterpillar stage that I have a sentimental attachment to...
Change is always difficult- I don't have to tell you that. A good cry will get you over that bridge
ReplyDeleteHi Kacee, it's Kelli, just wanted to stop and say "Hi", and of course wish you all the best! Reading the above, brought tears to my eyes, also, thinking of you, and of me also, and I feel much the same way as you about my "him", and this quote of yours makes SO much sense to me: "I also realize that he's not dying or going away; instead, he is just melding seamlessly into Karine." Very much how I feel also, hon...yeah, there are good parts of "the other "K"(both are "K" names) that I do want to hold onto, which for me, is fine, but I can also understand why some want to completly eliminate their male selves...everyone's unique, transitioning or no. So anyway, Ms. Kacee(like that name!), I will be thinking of you! And hopefully all will be well at work, and all the other areas of your life, as you become, completely, your true self--as that "other person" inside of you says, "I know you can do this girl, and I'm so proud of you!" I think that's the best way to go about it all. Take care sweetie! (HUGS) ♥
ReplyDelete~Kelli