Hi everyone, that's actually a quote from an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer called "Invisible Girl" from a few years ago. Sadly, it kinda describes how I'm feeling right now. Its nearly 2am right now and I got back from the club a little bit ago. I'm comfortably nestled in bed in my pink flannel PJ's with my fuzzy slippers sitting on the ground next to my bed. . . but I wanted to jot down my thoughts while they are still fresh in my mind.
A little bit of background. . . . for the past few days, I've been in a total funk. I really can't pinpoint where its coming from, but I suspect that its probably a combination of the holidays as well as some serious soul searching that I've been doing in trying to figure out who I am and what's in store for me.
My Friday plans fell through and I ended up staying home last night . . . . so tonight (Saturday) was my big chance to get out. I was supposed to meet up with my normal group of friends at Bar Sinister (a local goth club) as well as a few friends from out of town. I had been up in the air about going since I never really have a great time at Sinister. . . however, I went out just to see the girls. . . plus, I had hoped that some socializing might help to snap me out of my funk.
As I was starting to get ready, I got a call from one of my out of town friends, telling me that she and a few others weren't going to make it. In retrospect, I should've taken that as an omen. I continued to get ready and decided to pull out all the stops and look really nice. By the time I finished, I found a hot outfit (see above), paired it up with my Charles David knee high boots. I painted my nails in my favorite OPI color and topped things off with my colored contacts and a set of lashes. I was really feeling like a total hottie when I left the house.
Things continued to go well as I got up through traffic in record time and got the last remaining spot in the parking lot. However, once I set foot in the club, I knew that things weren't quite right. I had arrived at the club just a wee bit early (around 10ish), but it was totally dead . . . which brings me to the quote above.
I'm already in a bit of a fragile emotional state but to then walk into a club that's not happening and filled with unfriendly people (a friend had described it once as a crowd of mostly snarling goth kids) was just demoralizing. When I found my friends, they were chatting with other people and doing their own thing. . . I really didn't want to bother them. However, I really felt like Cordelia did . . . I was literally surrounded by people on all sides, but totally alone. I eventually chatted with a few of my friends but the isolation and loneliness. I mean, I can only 'people watch' so much and seeing a few girls on the stage get tied up and whipped pretty much fulfilled that quota. The problem is that, aside from people watching, there really wasn't much else to do there . . . I would've been totally happy to have a ring toss, a Mexican Hat Dance or anything to break up the monotony!
I took a few laps around the club, discovering a few more flogging stations, but really wasn't able to make lemonade out of lemons. It was time to go. On the way to my car, the parking lot guy asked me how I was doing. . . . sad, but true, but the scary thing is that I'm pretty sure I had a longer conversation with him than with anyone inside the club.
I realize that this isn't quite as happy and upbeat as my usual blogs, but I'm just so bummed out about things and feeling sooooo alone in the world. I really don't know what the solution to my problem is. . . perhaps I just need to take a vacation from my online presence & clubbing and focus on finding bliss. . . we'll see.
Anyhow, I hope that you all have found your bliss and have a safe and fun new years!
Love,
Kacee
A little bit of background. . . . for the past few days, I've been in a total funk. I really can't pinpoint where its coming from, but I suspect that its probably a combination of the holidays as well as some serious soul searching that I've been doing in trying to figure out who I am and what's in store for me.
My Friday plans fell through and I ended up staying home last night . . . . so tonight (Saturday) was my big chance to get out. I was supposed to meet up with my normal group of friends at Bar Sinister (a local goth club) as well as a few friends from out of town. I had been up in the air about going since I never really have a great time at Sinister. . . however, I went out just to see the girls. . . plus, I had hoped that some socializing might help to snap me out of my funk.
As I was starting to get ready, I got a call from one of my out of town friends, telling me that she and a few others weren't going to make it. In retrospect, I should've taken that as an omen. I continued to get ready and decided to pull out all the stops and look really nice. By the time I finished, I found a hot outfit (see above), paired it up with my Charles David knee high boots. I painted my nails in my favorite OPI color and topped things off with my colored contacts and a set of lashes. I was really feeling like a total hottie when I left the house.
Things continued to go well as I got up through traffic in record time and got the last remaining spot in the parking lot. However, once I set foot in the club, I knew that things weren't quite right. I had arrived at the club just a wee bit early (around 10ish), but it was totally dead . . . which brings me to the quote above.
I'm already in a bit of a fragile emotional state but to then walk into a club that's not happening and filled with unfriendly people (a friend had described it once as a crowd of mostly snarling goth kids) was just demoralizing. When I found my friends, they were chatting with other people and doing their own thing. . . I really didn't want to bother them. However, I really felt like Cordelia did . . . I was literally surrounded by people on all sides, but totally alone. I eventually chatted with a few of my friends but the isolation and loneliness. I mean, I can only 'people watch' so much and seeing a few girls on the stage get tied up and whipped pretty much fulfilled that quota. The problem is that, aside from people watching, there really wasn't much else to do there . . . I would've been totally happy to have a ring toss, a Mexican Hat Dance or anything to break up the monotony!
I took a few laps around the club, discovering a few more flogging stations, but really wasn't able to make lemonade out of lemons. It was time to go. On the way to my car, the parking lot guy asked me how I was doing. . . . sad, but true, but the scary thing is that I'm pretty sure I had a longer conversation with him than with anyone inside the club.
I realize that this isn't quite as happy and upbeat as my usual blogs, but I'm just so bummed out about things and feeling sooooo alone in the world. I really don't know what the solution to my problem is. . . perhaps I just need to take a vacation from my online presence & clubbing and focus on finding bliss. . . we'll see.
Anyhow, I hope that you all have found your bliss and have a safe and fun new years!
Love,
Kacee
