Come out, come out, wherever you are!

Hi everyone… I'm totally busy with work and everything right now, but I wanted to just take a moment to update everyone on my goings ons.

As the title would indicate, I've spent the past few weeks coming out to loved ones. I haven't made any final decisions about where I'm going with the trans-thingy… but, for some reason or another, I've felt the need to come out to a few people.

First was my Mom. I came out to her about 3 years ago… at that time it was the "I like to dress" discussion since that's all it really was to me at the time. About a month ago, I sat down with her again and had Part II. I mean, most of you know that, for the last year or so, I've been struggling with the whole trans-thingy, trying to figure out whether I want to start hormones, transition, etc. 

In talking to my Mom, I told her about Kacee (again) and how this seems to go much deeper than just dressing up. While I told her I didn't know where I was going with things, she told me that she sensed that I would probably transition. She wasn't overjoyed by the news that I'm potentially TS, but was supportive nonetheless… which was nice to know.

The second person I came out to was my little sister. We're about 2.5 years apart and grew up fairly close. I mean, when we were little, we used to play dress up sometimes. She stopped playing… obviously, I never did. While we've grown up and gone our separate ways, we've still remained somewhat close. However, in the last two years or so, she's taken it upon herself to comment on all of the girly traits that I'm starting to display… whether it be growing my hair and nails out or the fact that my eyebrows are thin and well kept, I can count on her to say something at the most inopportune moment (i.e. at dinner with the entire extended family, etc).

I had planned on coming out to her, but hadn't planned to do it this soon. However, since she's been so relentless in 'calling me out,' I sped up the timeframe to Saturday. Of course, in classic Kacee form, we *scheduled* a chat for Saturday night at 7pm :)

I met her at home, just as her husband was leaving for work. We chit chatted for about an hour… talking about stuff that was going on. Finally, I asked… "ok, what would you like to ask me about" to which she responded "what's going on with you?" 

I spent the next hour or so, telling her about the evolution of Kacee… from the time we we played dress up until the therapy session I had gone to a few days before. While I was always skeptical as to her motivations for 'calling me out' (i.e. she was giving me grief for the fun of it), it turns out that it came from her deep concern for me. 

We talked a lot, we cried a lot, we hugged a lot… it was very therapeutic for both of us. In the back of my mind, I always feared that things would go horribly when I came out to her, however, I knew, intellectually, that it would be fine…. And it was. 

I left her house 5 hours later, thoroughly exhausted, but feeling energized by the love and support of my sister. She's also not a 'rah rah' fan of the whole TG thing… but she's approaching it with an open mind and said that she just needs time to think it through. I had brought my laptop to show her some pix in case she was interested. She was, but passed because she told me she wasn't quite ready for it… I can appreciate that. However, when she does see them, I'm sure she'll be floored by the fact that we look so much alike… like sisters :)

Oh… I should mention that she still wants to meet everyone. Lol, for those who know me, you should know that she's even more sensitive to alcohol than I am! While I get my "Asian Glow --" after a drink and a half, she can't even drink. She's tried in the past and only succeeded in getting nauseous … and decorating the floor with the contents of her stomach!

Anyways, I really haven't had much time to think about everything since Saturday. The next two weeks at work are going to prove to be quite busy… hopefully I can finish things up early, well in advance of Christmas… lol, I still have lots of shopping to do!

Well, if I don't blog again before then, I would just like to wish everyone a happy 'winter holiday of your choice.' … which reminds me…. I still have to get down to Target to buy a Christmas tree!

Love,

Kacee

My Emotional Fortress of Solitude

The last few days have been really really tough for me.

On Thursday, I went out to a club. It was a school night and everything, but I had been dying to get out… of course, anytime you look forward to something there's the natural letdown and anti-climax with it all. Things were pretty quiet and we just weren't feeling *IT* so we all left early. Perhaps it was for the best anyways, since it was a school night. However, I felt like I wasted my evening (and a cute outfit) getting ready and going out. 

Friday, I met up with friends for dinner. Afterwards, we went for dessert where we had an emotional discussion about trans life. My opinion was in the minority. Reasonable minds can differ, but the whole discussion got me thinking about my life and my future… and dealing with everything right now is just so overwhelming and scary and... well... depressing for me. 

Tonight, I had a family thing in the evening. I had hoped to meet up with everyone afterwards… depending, of course, on what time it ended. After the thingy ended, I drove out to the West side from Monterey Park (instead of going home to the South Bay) to try and see everyone. However, because of logistics and faulty communication, it didn't happen either. Needless to say, based on the way things had been going over the past few days, plus the fact that I felt like a total idiot driving out to the West side, it left me feeling "not so fresh." 

Right now, I have so many conflicting feelings and unanswered questions in life. I just feel so alone and isolated right now… it's so hard to work through these issues. While I have a fabulous therapist, I am the one who has to walk this road… and it's so scary when you're doing it alone. 

I'm not asking for anyone's sympathy… this is just my way of expressing my innermost feelings... and the fact that I feel so alone.   Many may ask "is this girl ever happy?" I guess that when things go well, I don't feel a need to blog very often… it's when the road is much bumpier that I just feel the need to express my feelings.

In looking over my life, I know that I need a serious drama-ectomy... you know, a procedure to remove all of the drama in my life. Will that work? I hope so… although I don't have as much drama as many of my friends. However, energy (and time) spent dealing with drama, whether it be time spent writing pointless emails or going out and being disappointed, is energy not being spent working on me.

To that end, I'm thinking of withdrawing from everything… the online life as well as translife too. It just doesn't seem worthwhile… I mean, I spend so much time trying to connect with people online and in real life… but I still feel so alone in the world as I'm dealing with all of this stuff. I haven't decided what I'd like to do yet… however, if you don't see or hear from me for awhile, you'll know. 

Well, if nothing, at least I have my Bear Bear; he loves me unconditionally and is always there for me.'

I hope everyone has a fantastic Sunday…

Kacee

Bleary eyed channel surfing

It's 2.30am and I should have gone to bed a long time ago.

I mean, I've had a busy day and had a nice evening… I got back home and figured I'd just get into bed and fall asleep.

However, I fell into the same trap as always… channel surfing while in bed. TNT was showing A.I. tonight and its one of those movies that I'll watch if it's on.

If you haven't seen it, it's the story of David, a robot boy, who lives with a human family. He's initially accepted as a member of his new family and bonds emotionally with them, especially the mother. Eventually, problems arise and the mother abandons him in the middle of a forest, mainly because he's an android and can never be a real boy. He spends the rest of the movie looking for "The Blue Fairy" (from Pinocchio) in the hope that she can make him a real boy… so that his mother will love him.

I've never really thought about why this movie always struck a chord with me, but watching it today, I had a revelation. The reason why I like this movie is because I identify with David and his quest for love and affection.

I, like David, have been on a life long quest to find my own personal "Blue Fairy," in the hope that I'll feel loved and accepted.   However, I really don't know what my "Blue Fairy" is or what she'll do, just that I hope she help me find the object of my quest.

Some people will tell me, "Kacee, you don't need to find a 'Blue Fairy' to feel loved." However, I have to disagree since I don't feel it; I still feel lonely, isolated and that I don't fit in with anyone, whether it's with my 'boy life' friends or even my tg friends.  So, until things change, the search continues...

In the end, David eventually finds the Blue Fairy and, more importantly, love and happiness (at least for a little while). . . I just hope that, at the end of my story,  I can find that same happiness and love.

<3  

Kacee

Square Pegs

This past weekend, over the most yummiest of pizzas and a bottle of red wine, I came to a revelation… that I'm a square peg in a world of round pegs.

Now, to be totally honest, that's never really been a big question for me. I mean, I've never really felt like I really fit in . . . I try hard but, at the end of the day, I always feel like an outsider… you know, just sorta different from everyone else.

My big revelation was that, as a square peg, I'm not meant to fit it. 

My goal has always been to blend into the background… and be just like everyone else. I shun extra attention because I'm uncomfortable standing out. Looking back, they have been recurring themes in my life.

However, I'm learning that I'm not ordinary… and my destiny is not to blend in with everyone else. I need to shine… and be "Me"…. and not the "Me" that people expect.

Now don't get me wrong… its not like I've been 'cured' of my desire to fit in. Just because I know, on an intellectual level, that I'm not meant to fit in doesn't mean that I'm OK with it.

But I guess, I'm still a work in progress. I aspire to embrace my individualism and revel in the fact that, no matter how hard I try, I'll always be different from everyone else. 

So now begins my epic quest to live a life less ordinary... to the fullest!

Anyhow, I walked out and had to tell someone, but its one of those thingies that so hard to explain without sounding like a total dork. I mean, its kinda like 'well, duh genius, of course its you.' I told Jakie and I think she understood what I was talking about… whether she did or not, she did the right thing for me… she smiled and gave me a big hug … which, for just a brief moment, made me forget about everything else in the world except for the girl in the mirror… ME!!!!!!!!Hi everyone… its been long enough, so I guess I should stop by my little Internet confessional.

As for the title, I'll get there eventually. For most of you who know me, you know that the main thing that I've been obsessing about is figuring out my place in the universe. I mean, I exist on two different levels… the regular 9-5 'during the week' boy life existence and the 'every other moment of my life' Karine existence. The hard part has been trying to strike a healthy balance between the two… while trying not to go utterly insane. I had thought that I was doing a pretty good job keeping things totally separate however, recently, it just feels like the line between the two is blurring… and its just becoming harder to do the 9-5 'during the week' thingy. Should Kacee be an 'every moment of my life' thing? Or should I squelch her? Or do I keep doing the juggling thing?

The really uplifting thingy about it is that, in talking to people, I've realized what a wonderful support base of friends that I really do have. Even though (at this point in time) its only Kacee's friends, its so comforting to know that, no matter what I do or decide, I know that they're always there for me. Everyone so far has been very 'rah rah' and telling me to 'let them know if they can help' about things … and that gives me a warm mushy feeling inside.

So…. To help me figure things out, I'm starting therapy on Thursday. I realize its not the golden ticket to bliss (or a fantabulous chocolate factory run by singing Oompa Loompas) but hopefully it'll give me an opportunity to sort things out. Its also a bit of a sacrifice… I mean, there will be countless hours of driving up to West LA (giving me plenty of car karaoke time) and lots of money spent (meaning fewer trips to Rampage and BeBe), but I suppose you can't put a price on enlightenment, right?

I have to say, that I'm feeling sooo nervous about the appointment this Thursday. I really don't know what to expect or how to feel…and, to be totally honest, I'm just so scared of what I'll learn. I mean, if I'm meant be make the Kacee thingy an everyday thingy, that doesn't mean I HAVE to do it… but, then again, its about being myself and being happy. And, if she's to be in the spotlight full time, I know there will be professional as well as family and friends issues too… but I guess I can only hike one mountain at a time, right?

That being said, I have to say that I had the most fantabulous of weekends. And the best part of it is that it didn't involve being jostled, bumped or listening to loud obnoxious music at the clubs. I spent the weekend up in Hollywood hanging out with friends, just doing fun stuff… and there was something just so refreshing about it. I mean, it wasn't the normal clubby thing … it was just so relaxed, sitting around (of course with booze and good food) and just chatting. . . but, OMG, after a weekend of 3-4am days, I'm totally exhausted… and its only Monday morning right now

Yesterday, I went to a support group for tg's with a few friends. Evidently the normal moderator was out, so they had someone else keeping her chair warm. The group itself was interesting… a mix of older tg's and (as they called us) "the younger ones." In listening to the discussion, I did notice a serious generation gap. . . in that the older tg's felt that there was some set pattern or formula you had to follow in your tranny development… and I don't think that any of us 'younger ones' believed that.

At some point, the discussion turned to 'clubs for trannies to go to' which I thought was fairly interesting since 1) everyone there had evolved beyond the tranny scene and 2) it was (unbeknownst to me at the time) the same discussion that pops up every week. Oh, and the group also was a test of my willpower since Jakie sat down next to me with a huge cookie… that I was soooo trying not to nibble off of.

However, it wasn't until afterwards that I really had one of those moments. After the group ended, some of us met at El Chavo on Sunset for margaritas. While its always wonderful to be out with the girls, its always so much more wonderful with drinks (and, being a lightweight, it doesn't take much for things to get 'much more wonderful' for me quick) and a big plate of yummy nachos. Over time, we had such a nice time chatting about the mysteries of our own lives … with lots of giggles to boot.

Now, the blog title . . . After the first margarita, I walked into the ladies' room to fix my makeup. The only light in the restroom was a red light above the sink which reflected in a mirror. Perhaps it was the lighting (or the margarita), but the strange thing was that, from the first moment that I saw her, I was fixated on the girl that I saw staring back at me in the mirror. . . I don't mean anything like I was falling in love with myself or anything like that, but I saw ME (!!!!).

Normally, we all look into a mirror and, without thinking about it, you know that its you. As a tg, I normally look in the mirror and see my twin brother… and recognize him as me. On the weekends, I've seen Kacee staring back at me in the mirror countless times. On an intellectual level, I know that I'm looking at myself, but, before that moment, I had never really looked deeply into the mirror and, after seeing her, felt and knew, on an emotional level, that 'that's me!"

I'm sure there's plenty of other stuff for me to say…. But, at this point in time, I'm just going to leave it at that and let u see the pic. . . Love, Kacee

The Many Moods of Kacee

Hi everyone, well, enough time has passed that I've felt sufficiently guilty about not posting another blog. It's a Friday night and I'm snuggled up in bed, lit by the glow of my laptop, a nice warm bag of microwave popcorn… and the DVD of "The Grudge 2." I'm sure its not one of the Oscar contenders, but I've had it for two weeks and it soooo needs to go back to Netflix. Anyway, I don't really have one big topic to chatter on endlessly about, so this'll be more of a stream of consciousness thing.

First, I wanted to thank everyone for their nice and supportive comments and the emails after my last blog. I don't want people to think that I was writing that blog while sitting in my bathroom with a shotgun in one hand and a bottle of Jack Daniels in the other (because then I'd have to have at least 4 hands… and I don't have enough accessories for that!). Seriously, though, I had been going through some rough times and just went through a particularly rough evening at the club. Things aren't back to normal yet… and I'm guessing they won't be until I discover my bliss (whatever it turns out to be).

Second… my 4th TG birthday is coming up next week! I can't believe that its already been four whole years since I first started going out! Looking back, I don't think that I could have possibly imagined all of the wonderful friends and terrific things that I've been able to do. Anyway, I haven't made any special plans, but hopefully I'll be able to go out on the weekend with the girls!

Third, clubs… still not a super big fan of them. I mean, I go through all of the effort to vamp it up… find the right outfit and go to the club. After battling with the rest of LA to find parking and paying the cover to get in, all I really have to look forward to is a few drinks, blaring music, and some unfriendly people. I like to chat with people but am often pretty shy about just wandering up and talking to random people . . . and it seems that most people at the clubs are too caught up in their own world to be sociable. I guess I need to find the right club or gathering and, at that point, I might start to have a little fun.

Its 1215am (and 40 minutes into the movie) and I've decided that the Grudge 2 is probably not the best movie to be watching right now. Its not so much that it's a masterpiece of suspense and horror… but just totally creepy seeing the pale kid and the scary looking killer chick (doing her killing thing). I guess I'll be watching the Discovery Channel for the rest of the night.

Finally, I'm pretty excited about the long weekend… I don't have any special plans, but sleeping in late is good enough for me. Its also Chinese New Year… so, if you're Chinese, Happy New Year… if not, happy Sunday!

Well, I hope you all have a fantastic weekend and thanks for reading!

Love,

Kacee