"In the sock drawer of life, sometimes being an orphan sock is kinda lonely"

 

            Tonight, I spent a quiet evening on the couch watching a blu ray of "The Time Traveler's Wife" for the first time.  This movie, in case you haven't seen it, is part of a genre known as 'Rachel McAdams romance movies that always make me cry.'  I managed to hold it together through most of the movie but started to lose it towards the end.  In the final scenes, I just totally lost it.

            Luckily, I was watching the movie on the couch with my Bear Bear, who has soaked up my tears in the past and in the present.. and I'm sure he will soak up many more tears into the future too.  However, being me, I couldn't just bawl my eyes out.... while bawling my eyes out, I was trying to find a way to articulate why I was crying so hard. 

            True, crying was a given since the movie is part of the "Rachel McAdams romance movies that always make my cry' genre.  What I eventually came to realize is that the movie just got me thinking about my life.    

            For starters, it just feels, sometimes that everyone in the world seems to have someone.  I have to admit that, despite the fact that my transition has gone smoothly and wonderfully, I'm very lonely.  While I never have a problem meeting guys and keeping them interested, I have more of a problem keeping them around after having 'the talk' about being transsexed. 

            I don't tell every boy that I meet that I am a transsexual.  Only by dating and getting to know him better will I know whether there's some promise for this relationship.  If I sense a *spark,* only then will I contemplate having 'the talk' with him  What's the use of outing yourself to someone if there's no future for that relationship?

            So far, I've dated two boys who I have had 'the talk' with and, sadly, neither took the news well... which brings me back to the movie.  Watching these sappy romance movies is probably one of the worst things I can do.  A lonely girl watching movies about couples, love and relationships is like pulling your heart out of your chest and smashing it with a mallet <lather, rinse and repeat>.  The only thing the movie underscored is my desire to be in a relationship... to have someone of my own to love me and who I can love back.  I really do hope that, sometime in the future, I will find that true love.

            The other feeling that the movie aroused was the realization how scared I am of the future.... not just in terms of love, but more about life in general.  Nearly 4 years of hormones and 9 months of living full time have been wonderful... but I know not what lies in the future for me.  I am scared about whether I'll find love; I'm scared about leaving my job to find something that I truly love;  I am most scared about trying to achieve happiness in life.

            I realize that the excitement in life comes not from the destination, but the journey.  However, with a course that is uncharted... with an itinerary that is not set... and with a co-pilot's seat that remains unfilled, it's only natural fear and anxiety are frequent visitors to my mind.

            I know that I can't put a time frame on meeting someone special... nor can I allow the fear of the future to paralyze me.  Each day, I wake up and find a way to push forward, without regard to how I feel or my level of confidence.  If I'm having a bad day, I'm able to bury those negative feelings deep.  However, much as in Simpsons "Trash of the Titans" episode.... you can only bury so much trash before it resurfaces in a mass deluge of sludge and ickiness.  If nothing, tonight's movie allowed me to  release these pent up feelings.

            Transition is tough... transition is a challenge.  However, all I can do is try to live my life the best that I can.

"Things may not turn out the way you planned... they may turn out better"

 I had published this on my stealth blogs, so I didn't mention the tg angle about what I had hoped and dreamed of as a little boy and how things have turned out, but, I think that you'll all be able to pick it up :)

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For anyone who has ever tried to plan an outing with me, you know that I really like to have a plan in place.  However, while I always stress the importance of having some sort of plan or purpose, I’m not set on following the plan in precise detail.  Rather, for me, I see the plan as sort of a backup, in case fun, spontaneous things fail to materialize.

Why have I spent the last hour or so pondering this quote?  Earlier this evening, I saw “The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel,” in which one of the main characters expressed this thought (or something to that effect) at the end of the film.  As I walked out of the theater, wandered through the labyrinth that the Century City Mall calls its ‘parking lot,’ and drove home, I started to think about my day (and weekend), realizing that it had not gone according to plan but turned out far better than I could’ve hoped.

Saturday, I had either planned to leave Faire early (and relax on the couch) or very late (staying for a later event in the evening).  However, Sunday evening, as things wound down for the day, friends invited me to join them for dinner in the area.  The result?  I discovered a yummy (and interesting... Indian AND Mexican food under one roof?) and had a chance to get to know some wonderful friends even better.

This morning, I woke up and decided to try and find Kings’ tix for tonight’s game, then meet a friend for a quick dinner before heading home.  However, when that fell through, I went to Universal Studios to preview the Transformers ride (3 TIMES!!!) and got to spend the entire afternoon with one of my dear friends shopping and at happy hour and..... seeing “The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel” instead of “The Avengers” (which sold out).  Sure, I didn’t see my Kings sweep the Blues and move onto the next round of the playoffs, but I still was able to listen to the game on my phone at Universal (and saved about $100+ on a ticket to boot!).  More importantly, my friend (who is like a sister to me) and I had a chance to catch up on the goings on in our lives (over drinks... very important!!!), to giggle, chat and gawk at pretty shiny things... and to see a movie that we both agree was far more enjoyable and touching than super heroes and explosions.  Quite honestly, while my plan A wouldn’t have been bad, my plan B was far more wonderful than I can describe.  

However, the notion of “Things may not turn out the way you planned... they may turn out better” doesn’t just apply to my day, it applies to my life.  As a child, I could not have imaged that I would be the fabulous and driven woman that you all know (and hopefully love) today.  The Little Me imagined that, by now, I would be married with two kids (my daughter Madison and my son Steven), living a 4 bedroom house a few blocks from the beach, have a Beagle named Max and work as a doctor (or an astronaut).  Taking inventory of my life today, I’m still single, sleep with a teddy bear named Bear Bear and work as an attorney for the County.... in essence, none of what I dreamed as a child has come to pass.

Does this mean that I’m a failure?  Or that I’m leading a miserable existence today?  While my life today isn’t perfect (and I’m sure that I’ve complained to a few of you about some of those imperfections), it’s far richer and meaningful than Little Me could’ve ever imagined.  I firmly believe that Little Me, knowing the struggles, adversity and pain that I have overcome and the friendships, relationships and experiences that I have (or had), would be so proud of Me today (especially after seeing my Hello Kitty and fabulous shoe collections).  However, that being said, Little Me would probably like to see me dating or married... or at least sleeping with something other than a fluffy teddy bear...... which actually brings to mind another fun quote from the movie...

“I’m single by choice.... just not my choice”

I certainly need to work on that... but that’s another blog for another day.

PS.  If you haven't seen it, I'd highly recommend "The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel"