Dusting along the baseboards of the Augean Stable

               This is something that I posted to my regular, non tg/transition blog.  While, in its current form, it's not totally relevant to the issue of transition, I did have some tg life thoughts about it.

                If a friend starts posting anti tg/gay things on their Facebook wall, do you just delete them or do you try to talk to them to see what's going on?  For me, a particularly delicate issue is that I'm living, for the most part, stealth.  In talking to a friend, do I out myself and let them know how hurtful it is?  Or do I just speak in terms of 'my gay or tg friend?"

                I had a similar issue arise recently in a different context... this past weekend, I came out to a friend about being tg.  She told me that she already strongly suspected that for a few reasons, but, also because, at one point, we were talking about how an acquaintance, who claimed he was tg but was, in reality, just an attention whore weirdo.  I had raised the topic in the context of "I have tg friends.. I'm offended because it trivializes the struggle that my friends go through." My friend mentioned that she started to get suspicious because I was a bit too vigorous in my disapproval of what the crazy person was doing.  So, bring us back to my previous point... if you speak to the anti gay/tg person about it, how do you do it in such a way that you don't unintentionally out yourself?

               Hate speech isn't the only type of tiresome Facebook post; what about rah rah tg/gay friends who *ONLY* post things about being gay or tg?  While it's nice to have friends who are dedicated to the community, getting continuous spam on your Facebook wall about everything trans/gay is also annoying?  The decision to delete/talk is even more delicate because they think they're doing something positive to advance the community... and will not understand why you have a problem with it.

                  Anyhow, I really don't have an answer as to how to deal with the people I've just mentioned and the ones in the blog below... but I'd love to hear your thoughts!

               

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                 Today’s question of the hour is, “at what point do I start deleting or dealing with people because of the idiotic rubbish they post on Facebook?” 

                When I cleaned out the Augean Stables a few weeks ago, I got rid of a lot of dead weight, as well as people that I only kept around for ‘bad karma’ purposes (i.e. I wanna see what stupid, ridiculous stuff they say so I can snicker at it).  However, I left a few people on who aren’t really objectionable to me, but seem to relish starting political arguments or spamming the world with their ideology.

               

                I appreciate the fact that, on their own Facebook walls, people are allowed to say what they want (within limits, of course) and that it’s not my job, duty or right to shout them down ***on their own wall.***  A year ago, I had an extremely needy and self righteous acquaintance who felt that she was entitled to go onto *other* people’s Facebook walls and lecture them about the wrongs that they had committed in her eyes.  While I shut her down when she tried that on my page, she didn’t learn her lesson and continued her lecture series on a number of other friends’ walls.  When I called her on that, she blocked me… and, problem solved.  Still I doubt that this person has realized the errors of her ways but, if she doesn’t change, she’s going to lose more people and, eventually won’t have anyone to read her hourly prayer request solicitations (my ‘BINGO!!!’ request would’ve been one for sympathy because someone put the wrong emphasis on the second syllable of Gesundheit after she sneezed).

                I had a (now former) friend who, even though we resided in the same area of the political spectrum, spent her days going through blogs and pages, reposting… every…single… article… about how X, Y and Z were destroying America.  I deleted her (it didn’t hurt that I later learned she was a stark, raving, drama filled lunatic) because, even though it was a more politically compatible message with my views, I just couldn’t handle the crap overload... as well as the “I dare you to disagree with me” trolling that she was doing.  I had another (also now former) acquaintance at the opposite end of the spectrum, who wrote tomes to troll about how A, B, and C were destroying America.  When people dared to disagree with him, he and his cronies would just tee off on the dissent, calling them names, ridiculing them and saying inappropriate things.  While I never got involved in his posts, I was appalled that he allowed this crap to happen on his page and did not put an end to it.  I deleted him (it didn’t hurt that he was creepy).  These two examples are people who are clearly trolls and bullies… and I don’t regret their disappearance from my Facebook universe.

Getting back on topic, the thing about Facebook is that, when people start posting crap on their own walls, it ends up popping up on my news feed.  Don’t get me wrong… I have a few friends that post some political stuff, some funny stuff and some interesting stuff... that’s fine.  I’m thinking more about the political trollers whose posts are always inflammatory and overly opinionated.  Facebook, thankfully, has given me a number of options to effectively deal with these posts.  Which brings me back to my main point... what do I do with Facebook friends who are otherwise nice people, but whose political venom and bias spill out in every post they put online?  Do I hide them?  Do I delete them?  Do I block them? Do I tell them to knock it off?

I, unfortunately, don’t have an answer.  It’s still not my place to tell someone that ‘your posts are at an 11, take it down to a 6,’ so I’m left to make a choice whether I want to sever that friendship or block/hide them, sending them into the Facebook equivalent of “The Sixth Sense” (yeah, we’re friends, but I don’t see you).  None of these options are particularly ideal, but I have to evaluate how irritated I am by their posts versus the value of their friendship. 

Do you all have a universal rule that you follow?  Or is it more of a case by case analysis?  The Facebook friendship of someone who you don’t know hangs in the balance!

Return of the Kacee (cue the Star Wars theme and scrolling text)

Late last week, my fabulous prom date (who, after graduation, had gotten married, later divorced her husband, embraced her lesbian identity and is currently in a relationship with a woman) texted me to ask whether I was going to our 20^th high school reunion.  While I may have received emails in ‘his’ Facebook inbox about the reunion, I really haven’t paid much attention to them.  I mean, why disturb the thin layer of dust thats settled over ‘his’ neglected Facebook account to read them?

Intrigued, I checked and, sure enough, the reunion is set this weekend in our school’s gym.  For the paltry sum of $100, I will be able to dine on the finest foods (maybe) and imbibe freely in the open bar (keeping in mind my tipsy limit of one whopping drink) in the sweaty gross place where I spent many a tortured morning in all campus masses.  (As an aside, have I mentioned that I’m not really Catholic?  Yeah, those weren’t fun.)

As a bit of background, I didn’t attend the 10^th or 15^th reunions because I didn’t care to see the majority of those people.  I have kept in touch with my group of high school friends and, at those gatherings, hear gossip about the others who I have not kept in contact with.  Growing up transgendered, high school was a difficult time for me.  While the teenage me couldn’t comprehend that I was transgendered, I just never felt comfortable in my own skin.  I was the awkward, nerdy Asian boy who played with computers and took the geeky math and science classes.  While I’m sure that it would’ve come in handy had I pursued a career involving math and science (d’oh!), it also meant that I didn’t have much of a social life.  Consequently, while many would consider high school their glory years, for me, it was akin to a 4 year proctological exam administered by Mickey Mouse and his big Mickey mitts.

My initial knee jerk response was that I would only go for bad karma reasons… to see how many times the kids, who used to tease and make fun of me, had been to prison, whether they live in trailer parks, if they clean up after buffalo with digestive problems for a living or if they have fewer teeth in their mouth than an 11 month old infant.  However, while amusing, none of these seemed to be a good enough reason to drop a Ben Franklin and spend an evening at the reunion.

As a result, when my prom date first reminded me of the reunion, the memories of high school didn’t exactly prompt an immediate ‘hell yeah.’  Over the weekend, I’ve had more of an opportunity to think and chat with friends about whether this is something that I’d like to attend.  I mean, going to an all Catholic high school, how would people handle a transsexed Kacee?  Will people relate to me?  Or treat me as an outcast because they think I’m freaky?  Even worse, what about the senior portrait pic on my “Hi! I’m Kacee, really… even though there’s a picture of a boy in the left corner of this name tag” name tag?    

With all of these worries in mind, why would I consider going to the reunion?  I could spend my $100 on a much more fabulous and yummy dinner.  If they’re charging $100 for a dinner in the gym, they better be serving mesquite grilled unicorn drizzled with a chutney made from the fruit from the Tree of Life and Knowledge… but I’m sure it’ll be rubber chicken, soggy vegetables or ‘mystery meat’ meatloaf. 

While reliving the torturous high school years isn’t something that I really want to do, I’m hoping to gain some insight into that awkward boy… and how he became the confident self aware woman I am today.  Second, as the nerdy Asian boy, I really didn’t know a lot of the people who I see trading messages on the reunion chat page; perhaps this is a good chance to get to know some new people.  Third, in light of the difficulties I’ve been having at work with my boss, post transition, perhaps I can meet someone, hit a networking home run and find a shiny new job.  However, the most important reason to go to the reunion is for myself.  As a nerdy Asian boy, I never felt at home at school or in my own body.  This weekend will allow me to retread his steps down the hall and into the gym… this time, in fabulous heels and radiating the wonderful and loving feminine spirit within me. 

Do I know that things will go well?  Will I meet some interesting people?  Will I get to knee one of the jerks who messed with me back then in the groin?  Will they serve mesquite grilled unicorn meat?  While, I don’t know the answers to any of these questions (perhaps, except for the last one)… the main attraction is the adventure of showing up and seeing where it takes me.

Cleaning the Augean Stables...

"When you get bit by a snake, you have to suck out all the poison, that's what I had to do, suck all the poison out of my life."

                                                                                                                -Cady Heron “Mean Girls”

                It’s been awhile since I last posted, but I felt the need to after the last 24 hours.  Nothing bad has really happened to me, but, I’ve come to the realization that I’m surrounded by too much negativity… and it’s starting to drag me down.

                While I’m the happy smiley girl that you know today, I wasn’t always that way.  It took many years for me to find my identity, as well as my zest for life and motivation to succeed.  Going through this process most certainly wasn’t easy, but the end result is that I really do appreciate who I am and the struggle I went through to get here.

                Herein lies my two pronged problem:  I care about people a little bit too much AND needy people always seem to find their way to me.  I don’t quite know what it is… for example, mosquitoes, no matter where I’m at or who I’m with, seem to find me, suck my blood and leave me bruised and full of welts, no matter what type of bug spray I use or how many layers of clothing I wear. 

Needy people also seem drawn to me and eventually leave me emotionally bruised and full of welts.  While I’ve learned to love myself and honor my struggle and past, I still have to learn to set boundaries to keep these emotionally needy people at bay.  If I have $20, I can loan you $5.  However, if I only have $20, I can’t loan you $40.  In monetary terms, I get it… however, in emotional terms, I don’t…. and, thus, end up giving more of myself to others than caring about my own emotional happiness.

This all came to a head last night when I had an argument with an immature and emotionally needy (now former) friend.  While I realized he was always being a selfish and an emotional vampire, I tried my best to help him.  However, no matter how much I tried to give helpful advice and care, he resisted and ended up making himself more unhappy.  Despite the fact that he was always asking for my advice for every little thing, when I gave it yesterday, he replied with a ‘who asked you?’  While the short answer is, “you, IDIOT!” the longer answer involves knowing when call it quits… which is where Cady’s quote comes into play.

Last night was a teaching moment for me.  Although I realize that I tend to give too much of myself to others, the exchange with this drama queen gave me some clarity on the situation.  I realize that I have been bitten by the ‘needy people snakes…’ and that their venom is making me unhappy.  Last week, I was talking to a colleague, telling him about my weekend.  His only response to me was, “Karine, you need to spend time around happy people… these people are not happy.”  While it seems like an oversimplification of things, he’s 1,001% correct.  Not it’s a matter of ‘sucking the poison out of my life.’

To be happy, you must surround yourself with happy people.  While this isn’t a new idea (“Think and Grow Rich” and a multitude of positive thinking books espouse this), it’s something that I just needed to hear in order to start comprehending it and, more importantly, applying it to my life.

As an aside, do you remember Hercules’ labors?  (Break out that Edith Hamilton!) Hercules was commanded to complete 12 labors in order to make up for murdering his family (oops!).  These labors were all thought to be so difficult, that they were impossible.  King Augeas, who had more cattle than anyone in Greece, housed his herd, including bulls, goats, sheep and horses, in the Augean Stables, which had never been emptied nor cleaned.  Hercules’ 5^th labor was to clean out the Augean stables.  He managed to complete this feat in one day, ripping a hole in the front and back of the stables, then rerouting the Alpheus and Peneus rivers through the stables to wash away all of the crud and crap.

Much like Hercules, I cleaned out the Augean stables known as my Facebook profile.  Over time, much muck, crap and dead weight has accumulated and, in ‘sucking out the poison,’ I finally eliminated many of those who were negative clouds or just dead weight in my life.  While some may be bothered or hurt by my stable cleansing, it’s a necessary step in finding a better, happier existence for me.

It’s a gradual process, but I need to consciously recognize that being a good friend doesn’t mean letting someone drain the life out of me.  I will be there for you, but I cannot do it for you…. Or, more plainly, I will be your cheerleader, but I can’t be BOTH your cheerleader and quarterback!