You might be tempted to think…. Is it Kacee's birthday again? Didn't she just have one in February? The answer is yes and no… earlier this year, I celebrated my tg birthday on February 22, the day that I first ventured out (by celebrate, it was more just observing the day as I ended up spending the evening at home watching TV). 

However, this weekend is my real birthday… you know, the day that I was actually born? While I still observe and will always remember my tg birthday, I'm thinking, from now on, about just focusing on my real birth date. Whereas (yeah, lawyer girl!) remembering the first day that I went out is an important day for me, I've come to realize that, in my tg journey, there will be many memorable dates. While it's totally tempting to observe a tg birthday for every big moment in my life, it's totally impractical… or else I'd end up with half a calendar's worth of dates. 

Anyways, I'll probably spend this weekend with friends and family, doing standard birthday stuff (going out to dinner, etc). I'm taking next week off from work and might try to take a quick trip to someplace close by… perhaps Palm Springs or San Diego. Lol, hopefully I'll finalize something soon!

Love from the birthday girl!

Kacee

Part of your world...

Part of your world...

"Look at this stuff
Isn't it neat?
Wouldn't you think my collection's complete?
Wouldn't you think I'm the girl
The girl who has everything?
Look at this trove
Treasures untold
How many wonders can one cavern hold?
Looking around here you think
Sure, she's got everything
I've got gadgets and gizmos a-plenty
I've got whozits and whatzits galore
You want thingamabobs?
I've got twenty!
But who cares?
No big deal
I want more

I wanna be where the people are
I wanna see, wanna see them dancin'
Walking around on those - what do you call 'em?
Oh - feet!

Flippin' your fins, you don't get too far
Legs are required for jumping, dancing
Strolling along down a - what's that word again?
Street

Up where they walk, up where they run
Up where they stay all day in the sun
Wanderin' free - wish I could be
Part of that world

What would I give if I could live out of these waters?
What would I pay to spend a day warm on the sand?
Bet'cha on land they understand
That they don't reprimand their daughters
Proper women sick of swimmin'
Ready to stand

And ready to know what the people know
Ask 'em my questions and get some answers
What's a fire and why does it - what's the word?
Burn?

When's it my turn?
Wouldn't I love, love to explore that world up above?
Out of the sea
Wish I could be
Part of that world"

"Part of Your World" from Disney's "The Little Mermaid"

Hi everyone… as you all know, I've been working on "myself." As part of that process, I've come to the conclusion that I need to experience life. For far too long, I've been isolated from the world… not in a crazy Howard Hughes sort of way, but just that I've always felt a bit removed from finding true happiness… you know, in sort of a 'heart held captive in a Rapunzel-esque type of tower' way, hidden and held prisoner.

This is where the cute little song from "The Little Mermaid" comes in. For starters, I've had it stuck in my head for quite awhile. However, what strikes me most about the song is that I feel the same things that Ariel is singing about. 

On the surface, many people would think that I have everything … a good job, a nice smile and the ability to rock a miniskirt (among other things). For me, that's not enough, I want to experience life and join in the fun and exciting world out there. In essence, be part of THAT world. I really do feel that I'm sitting on the outside, staring in… and I'm finally ready to venture forth.

As I said, I'm not hermit or anything… I've been out and about in the world, shopping, museums, trying new restaurants, shopping, going on my photographic expeditions, shopping, visiting amusement parks and traveling across the country and into Canada…lol, I've even shot automatic weapons with the ATF (btw, have I mentioned shopping???)! Even with all of that, I still feel like there's something missing; the problem, of course, is that I'm still trying to figure out what THAT is.

I mean, there's the easy 'fun' stuff… I'd love to walk down the runway in a fashion show, model in a photo shoot (watch out Instyle, here I come) or even walk down a beach at sunset with my true love. BTW, I do come with modeling cred… ask Taleen about my "Project Runway" strut!

I'm still yearning for other fun (and safe) experiences out there… does anyone have any suggestions? Anyone with any cool hookups? Please let me know either by blog response or private message.

I'm also having my Maslow's Hierarchy moments too. I would also like to feel that I'm making a difference in the world. Although my work in the law is one means of making a difference, I'm hoping to do more. I have a couple of ideas there, but I'm also open to other suggestions.

Anyhow, I guess I just want to pick everyone's brains for ideas about how to "live life to the fullest?" Btw, before anyone suggests "Kacee, broaden those horizons by going out with me," you better put some serious thought and creativity into it… Carl's Jr (even with full beverage bar privileges) isn't going to work…lol

I look forward to hearing what you all think!

Love,

Kacee

An emotional girl... revisited and reexamined

Its funny how time on the road often gives you time to think. I was driving home from a game at Staples Center tonight and had an opportunity to think about things… and the blog I posted the other night… and, in particular, the responses.

It is interesting that I spent the majority of the blog-space talking about the various emotions that I was feeling at the moment. However, many of the responses I received (some in posted comments, but many as private emails), dealt with the 'lovelorn' emotion. 

In doing my internet research, the main definition of 'lovelorn' is being "bereft of love." Wow... that's kinda rough sounding, isn't it? Deprived of love? Well, you'll be happy to know that things aren't that bad. I mean, I do have love in my life… love from my family… and also love from my friends. However, the love that I am lacking is that romantic love (wow, how sad and desperate sounding is that?).

Now that I sound totally pitiful, please know that I'm not some sort of clingy girl, looking for any attachment and settling for whatever comes along… and don't worry, things aren't as sad and pitiful as they sound :)  This is where my 'thinking while driving' thingy sort of comes into play.

Amongst my high school friends, I'm one of the last single people. A year ago, I would have felt horrible about myself because of that, but, today, I'm actually OK with it. Part of that comes from the fact that I'm still kinda indecisive about things. I'm still mulling the 'am I looking for a boy or a girl?' question in my mind… and realize that, until I am able to come close to resolving that question, I'll never be able to feel 100% comfortable giving my pure, unconditional love to anyone. 

Perhaps the easiest way to start resolving this question is just to live life. That's easy, isn't it? But don't worry, I'm already on that!

I'm also a firm believer in balance. If one aspect of life is out of balance, all others will be too. If I'm able to find balance in one part of life, hopefully the other parts will fall into place too. As for finding that balance, well, that's just a bit more difficult than living life. With a job transfer Downtown (hopefully an improvement, although my commute just went from 8 minutes to over an hour), hopefully things will get better… we'll see, I guess.

Btw, I just have to say…. As part of my 'living life' thingy, I was out at a club with the girls on Friday. I was 'Keeper of the Purses" for part of the evening… in an attempt to amuse myself, I created the sculpture below… I call it "I wish they mixed stronger drinks here!" It's not a Duchamp or anything, but it's unexpected and shatters conventions, right?

Anyhow… back to living life!

Love,

Kacee

An Emotional Girl

It's almost 1.30am and I'm sitting in bed. I probably should be asleep soon, but I feel overcome by a lot of different emotions.

Anxiety—Just feeling it in general. However, I'm also feeling it over the transfer to the Downtown office… effective Monday. 

Exhaustion—it's been a long week and staying up late doesn't help.

Happy—I just had a fabulous night out! A couple of drinks, chatting with people and seeing a few people who I haven't seen in awhile. I can feel less tension and stress in my heart… I just had to tilt my head back, relax and smile.

Lovelorn—while I was chatting with friends tonight, the issue of love came up. I'm still looking for that perfect person who understands and loves me for me… who unconditionally loves every ounce of my being and is truly serious about pursuing an *us*

Hopeful—I really don't even know what I'm hoping for, except to say that I know there's a sustained happiness that awaits me… once I figure out what I want and work toward making it happen. It's nice to feel optimistic about life.

Speaking which of hope, I hope that this upcoming weekend goes well. I'll probably spend a bit of time out and about, but I'm also hoping to putter around my place and take care of things that need to be done. Anyways, I hope that you all have a fabulous weekend… and will talk to you later!

Love,

Kacee