As for the title, I'll get there eventually. For most of you who know me, you know that the main thing that I've been obsessing about is figuring out my place in the universe. I mean, I exist on two different levels… the regular 9-5 'during the week' boy life existence and the 'every other moment of my life' Karine existence. The hard part has been trying to strike a healthy balance between the two… while trying not to go utterly insane. I had thought that I was doing a pretty good job keeping things totally separate however, recently, it just feels like the line between the two is blurring… and its just becoming harder to do the 9-5 'during the week' thingy. Should Kacee be an 'every moment of my life' thing? Or should I squelch her? Or do I keep doing the juggling thing?
The really uplifting thingy about it is that, in talking to people, I've realized what a wonderful support base of friends that I really do have. Even though (at this point in time) its only Kacee's friends, its so comforting to know that, no matter what I do or decide, I know that they're always there for me. Everyone so far has been very 'rah rah' and telling me to 'let them know if they can help' about things … and that gives me a warm mushy feeling inside.
So…. To help me figure things out, I'm starting therapy on Thursday. I realize its not the golden ticket to bliss (or a fantabulous chocolate factory run by singing Oompa Loompas) but hopefully it'll give me an opportunity to sort things out. Its also a bit of a sacrifice… I mean, there will be countless hours of driving up to West LA (giving me plenty of car karaoke time) and lots of money spent (meaning fewer trips to Rampage and BeBe), but I suppose you can't put a price on enlightenment, right?
I have to say, that I'm feeling sooo nervous about the appointment this Thursday. I really don't know what to expect or how to feel…and, to be totally honest, I'm just so scared of what I'll learn. I mean, if I'm meant be make the Kacee thingy an everyday thingy, that doesn't mean I HAVE to do it… but, then again, its about being myself and being happy. And, if she's to be in the spotlight full time, I know there will be professional as well as family and friends issues too… but I guess I can only hike one mountain at a time, right?
That being said, I have to say that I had the most fantabulous of weekends. And the best part of it is that it didn't involve being jostled, bumped or listening to loud obnoxious music at the clubs. I spent the weekend up in Hollywood hanging out with friends, just doing fun stuff… and there was something just so refreshing about it. I mean, it wasn't the normal clubby thing … it was just so relaxed, sitting around (of course with booze and good food) and just chatting. . . but, OMG, after a weekend of 3-4am days, I'm totally exhausted… and its only Monday morning right now
Yesterday, I went to a support group for tg's with a few friends. Evidently the normal moderator was out, so they had someone else keeping her chair warm. The group itself was interesting… a mix of older tg's and (as they called us) "the younger ones." In listening to the discussion, I did notice a serious generation gap. . . in that the older tg's felt that there was some set pattern or formula you had to follow in your tranny development… and I don't think that any of us 'younger ones' believed that.
At some point, the discussion turned to 'clubs for trannies to go to' which I thought was fairly interesting since 1) everyone there had evolved beyond the tranny scene and 2) it was (unbeknownst to me at the time) the same discussion that pops up every week. Oh, and the group also was a test of my willpower since Jakie sat down next to me with a huge cookie… that I was soooo trying not to nibble off of.
However, it wasn't until afterwards that I really had one of those moments. After the group ended, some of us met at El Chavo on Sunset for margaritas. While its always wonderful to be out with the girls, its always so much more wonderful with drinks (and, being a lightweight, it doesn't take much for things to get 'much more wonderful' for me quick) and a big plate of yummy nachos. Over time, we had such a nice time chatting about the mysteries of our own lives … with lots of giggles to boot.
Now, the blog title . . . After the first margarita, I walked into the ladies' room to fix my makeup. The only light in the restroom was a red light above the sink which reflected in a mirror. Perhaps it was the lighting (or the margarita), but the strange thing was that, from the first moment that I saw her, I was fixated on the girl that I saw staring back at me in the mirror. . . I don't mean anything like I was falling in love with myself or anything like that, but I saw ME (!!!!).
Normally, we all look into a mirror and, without thinking about it, you know that its you. As a tg, I normally look in the mirror and see my twin brother… and recognize him as me. On the weekends, I've seen Kacee staring back at me in the mirror countless times. On an intellectual level, I know that I'm looking at myself, but, before that moment, I had never really looked deeply into the mirror and, after seeing her, felt and knew, on an emotional level, that 'that's me!"
I'm sure there's plenty of other stuff for me to say…. But, at this point in time, I'm just going to leave it at that and let u see the pic. . . Love, Kacee
