What's in my pants? Um... yeah, none of your effen business!

                My therapist and I had an interesting chat today about how people, whether they intend to or not, feel entitled to ask questions that they wouldn't want asked of them.

                In coming out and having countless chats with friends and colleagues, I've noticed that some people feel entitled to ask about my body (and especially my genitals) and what my plans are for them.  I know that they don't ask to be harassing or mean spirited.  However, when you think about it, my transition is my transition... it's a personal thing and my body (and its status) is also my own business.  I mean, how would people respond if I walked up and asked "how's your vagina this morning?"  or "literally, how's *it* hanging today?"

                Suffice to say, people would be shocked and appalled that I was asking about something so personal.. however, when it comes to me, as a transsexual, people seem to think that it's an open topic.  Perhaps I lull people into a false sense of security when being open about my transition, but they need to realize that there are limits to being open. 

               

                People need to realize that, for me, it's not so much about having a vagina.. or not.  While surgery is a distinct possibility later down the road, for me, it's about living the life that I want to live... to be me.. to be Kacee.  I mean, unless I decide to move to a nudist society, my body is fairly irrelevant. 

                However, what's inappropriate?  Clearly, it's too much if someone asks, "so whatcha gonna do with your penis?" However, what if I'm asked "are you going to have surgery?"  This is the fine line that I walk.. I mean, if asked the surgery question, I'm willing to answer 'perhaps?  probably?'.... but, is this telling them more than they need to know?   I mean, they're asking politely and generally but, in the end, asking the same question, albeit in a more tactful way.

     Unfortunately, I don't have a good answer for this.  I know what I've been doing, but just wonder if I'm still being too open.  Ultimately, the answer is that, first and foremost, I need to embrace this as *my* transition and realize that I am in control, telling people what I want to tell them, and not a peep more than that.  While, for the most part, I don't mind talking about my body, it's more the principal behind it.... don't be asking questions you wouldn't want asked of you. 

Lunch...

As week #2 of full time is quickly coming to end, I have to tell you the same thing I said after day #1… it’s been really uneventful.

However, today, I really felt good… I was at the store yesterday and picked up the cutest dark gray houndstooth slacks and paired it, today, with an eggplant sleeveless top and my new black patent booties.  At lunch, I went to a food court Downtown, tried out a new restaurant and sat quietly with my phone and headphones.

Surrounded by all of the other office workers, I enjoyed a yummy lunch and had one thought come to mind… ‘this *is* how it should be.’

At the moment, it hit me…. I get to be *ME* to the world… me, not he… but **ME**, the happy, beautiful tall Asian girl… just rocking it.  There’s no need to live that dual life anymore….and, despite all that I’ve been through in making the transition, this is truly what it’s all about. 

Since then, I just have this peace… this calm in my soul… and it’s a feeling so wonderful that I can’t even explain it.  Suffice to say that it’s somewhere between bliss, between joyful tears and as close to feeling ‘in love’ as I’ve felt.

I hope that this feeling will never fade… only get intensify and get better!

    

My first day...

Hi everyone,

     My first official day of being full time has come and gone.  I have to say that, while it was so wonderful being me on the commute and at work, for the most part, it was a very uneventful day.

     I actually arrived at work early that day (which is quite a change from the usual 'wake up, turn off alarm, fall back asleep' pattern I normally follow) and got comfortable in my office.  As they stumbled in from the weekend, one by one, my colleagues came into my office to welcome and compliment me.  Even my boss stopped in, offered her hand and, when I shook it, said, "Welcome to the first day of the rest of your life."

     I loved my outfit... an eggplant bandage dress with my new chocolate brown Cole Haan pumps... and a new Amrita Singh gold braid necklace.

     Everyone at work has been so incredibly sweet and supportive.... everyone has been really good about calling me Kacee... and, while I wish I had done it sooner, I know that it had to happen organically in it's own time... and I was not ready a few years ago.

     It is a bit of an adjustment, as you might have guessed.  Dress shoes and heels are much much less comfy than the Rockport loafers I used to wear... and I've been picking out (and trying out) my outfits the night before, as opposed to 1) finding clean shirt, 2) selecting matching slacks, 3) picking out a coordinated tie.. .all in about 3 minutes in the morning.

     However, if there's something that I've always prided myself on, it's being able to adjust and adapt.  Despite being 'pretty much full time' for the last 2 years, doing it for reals, day after day, is different.  I'm only on day #3 right now... I'm sure that it'll get easier and I'll fall into the swing of things.  A successful transition is something that I will not give up on... so I just have to stick it out until it becomes routine.  And, that's a matter of changing the habits that were learned through thirty seven years of "his" life and learning new habits part of *my* life

<3

Kacee

My Oh-So-Stealthy Post to my unknowing friends

 Hi everyone... the vast majority of my friends don't know that I'm tg.  

Today is the official first day of being full time, so, to mark the occasion, I posted this to my online profile for both my knowing and unknowing friends.  Of course, since you know about me, this does add a new wrinkle on the blog, doesn't it?

<3

Kacee

=============================================================================

Hi peeps, today starts the Kacee 365 project, in which I am making a conscious effort, in the next year, to live my life on my terms and to be the woman who I want to be.

The easy part is that my life isn’t out of control, by any stretch of the imagination.  However, there are areas that I’ve wanted, for so long, to improve upon.  This project is the springboard upon which I’m going to start taking action and making those positive changes in my life.

First and foremost, my goal is to be *ME*.  Don’t worry, you haven’t been spending time with Sybil, my split personality twin… but, my main goal is to embrace who I am and move forward with a ‘take no prisoners’ type of spirit.  I am a firm believer of the Japanese notion of ‘kaizen,’ which is a process of continual improvement… to never be ‘comfortable’ or content with the ‘good enough’ in the status quo.  For the past few years, I’ve lived my life, but was more tentative about moving out of my comfort zone and making those necessary changes.  I’ve decided that today is a birth of the new and improved Kacee 3.0.

My second goal is to avoid drama.  While I don’t go out of my way looking for drama, for some reason, it seems to stalk me, like a lion chasing down its prey.  I can no longer tolerate people who cause drama in my life… people who are energy vampires… or people who aren’t rooting for me to accomplish my goals.  From now on, I will make more of a concerted effort to avoid the Eeyores, the leeches and the back stabbers… at all costs. 

My third goal is to rededicate myself to achieving my body goals.  While I’m not morbidly obese or even out of shape, I want to achieve more with my body.  Through good eating, exercise or any other means, I want to achieve the body that I have desire and always dreamed of.    Plus, I know that, as I get older, it’s going to be more difficult to achieve that body too.

The Kacee 365 Project is something that I’m creating which means I set the rules.  You won’t see me post pictures of cats doing idiotic things or begging for prayers… this is my own project for self improvement.  I may update you all, from time to time, if you’re interested… but, in truth, it’s all about motivating *myself* to achieve the goals I’ve always wanted… and to be at that place in life where I long to be.    

<3  

Kacee

PS.  (Just so you know I’m not a totally different Kacee… I’m marking today with a beautiful eggplant bandage dress, my new chocolate brown Cole Haan pumps and a shiny Amrita Singh gold braid necklace.... nothing Hello Kitty, but the day is young)

The night before...

So, it's the night before Kacee's first day at work...

The nervousness that I had felt before had passed... the outfit is picked out (a beautiful eggplant bandage dress) and hanging on the door.  Now it's just a matter of making sure I get up and out of bed to get ready.

I don't fear what's ahead of me since I know it will be good.  My colleagues are all excited for me and, more importantly, I'm ecstatic that I can finally be myself in the office.

She's been me for the longest time.. but it will be nice for the work world to see me as I am.

So, 500am, I know that you will be here faster than I can imagine... but, once you do, I'll be ready.

Buh-Ring-It!!!!!!!

And that's a wrap...

This weekend brought a close to the chapter of "him."

While I'm happy, knowing that it's all about Kacee, I have to spend a second to mourn 'him.'

I mean, he's been me for the last 37 years....and, now, he's going to fade into the background.

He's not dead..... he's not being obliterated by Kacee.  He is being melded into the complete person that I am today.

His memories will always be there.... his upbringing and knowledge will always be there too.  And, as Kacee, I am the sum of all the remaining parts.

My colleagues went to lunch on Thursday for, as they called it my 'last day as a guy.'  A friend later nicknamed it my 'reverse bar mitzvah.'  It was really sweet and I was so touched by their gesture.  Plus, they all keep telling me how excited they are for Monday.


However, with my official 'full time' date approaching, I started to think of all the lasts... the last time I'm going to wear a suit... the last time I'm wearing boy clothes.. the last time I will pee standing up...

And then, on Friday... the last last... "his" last dinner with my parents... and, literally, his last day.

After all that I've been through and the road ahead of me, I felt that it was important to give my parents a last chance to say goodbye to 'him.'  I know that my parents are dealt with things enough to understand the direction where I'm going... while not overjoyed by the news that I was transitioning, they, like good parents, are supportive.

Dinner was unbelievably uneventful with my parents.  We ate.. we chatted... and we never talked about going full time.  It was just like any other dinner.  I gave my Dad a hug... and then went off with my Mother for a foot massage.  Post massage, we parted ways with a hug... and that was the last chapter of 'him.'

I know not what lies ahead of me except for the chance to finally be *me*  As I venture ahead in the great unknown, I suppose that's enough for me right now.. however, I know that things will only get better from this point on.

Wow.. I'm speechless (and grabbing a tissue)

Last night, I had mentioned that a close friend of mine had stopped by.  She is one of the few people who know me both as "him" and "her"... and last night was her chance to say goodbye to 'him.'

When she got home, she posted the most touching thing ever written about me.... it moved me so much that I want to share it with you.

Although we don't have years of history between us, we have developed a dear and wonderful friendship in this short time.

Thanks you for being *you*... and I can't even begin to tell you what your words meant to me this morning :)

<3

Kacee

===================================================================

I will never forget the first time I saw him...His long hair in a pony tail..His blue long sleeved shirt rolled up to his forearms.His khaki pants.His black belt.His black shoes..I introduced myself to him with a smile, and in return, he followed up with a firm handshake..In the process of meeting him, I knew there was something special about him, but<exhale>, I could'nt put my finger on it..He did glow, however, and it looked like he was trying to hide it...but, I like to think when one is paying attention to another person's aura, they can't hide it...or supress it..I wanted to convey to him he was in a safe place, and to let his light shine..and I think, eventually, he got that from me..And he did..enough to where he could trust me to let me in to be apart of who he is..The more times I was with him, the more he opened up...Shall I say, a river flowing in the ocean..We became friends shortly afterwards..Good friends..I can say I've never known a man like him. His personality won me over, and I must admit, I couldn't resist him..Intelligent, humourous, accomdating, loving, compassionate, but yet, very firm..strong.willful..Ambitious..Oh God, ambitious! I love that about him..He was also someone who accepted me for me..My downfalls..My mishaps..My stupid moments<lol>..Me..and never once did he judge me..Just acceptance. I didn't really get to spend that much time with him, but it seems that there was a life time there between us.The times we were together were an absolute blast.laughing.joking.talking.I enjoyed his company to the fullest extent that I could.Tonight was the night I shall see him for the last time..We hung out together, drank wine, watched a movie, and talked..I recorded every moment I possibly could have in my mind so that I would'nt forget him.How he looked..How he talked..How we embraced heavily in tears in each others arms.I melted there..I hated to let him go...but..I had to.God, it pained me to do so.<tears>.I walked away from his place, crying..Got into my car, and came home to write this. I know now that I shall not forget him.He's going away, and never coming back<more tears="">..I DO wish him well, and I'd like to think someday, I'll join him soon..I will say this..He is a man I DO truly love, and there will NEVER be another him..And now,my sun has set...<exhale with="" head="" bowed=""></exhale></more></tears></lol></exhale>

"Luke....There is another Skywalker!" <laughing> It is amazing how life works..someone else is here! My sun has risen! Here she is, and may the whole fuckin' world look out! Cuz no one and nothing is stoppin' this woman! She is on the move, Jack, and ya best be gettin out of her way! "Buuh ring it!" as she says, waving her finger, and rolling her neck. She is a freight train moving FULL SPEED AHEAD and will stop for no one!<except for="" maybe="" me="" to="" get="" on="" board=""> Ah yes, but much to my delight, she took my hand with no mis step from him and held it into hers.Just like the smooth passing the baton in a relay race.Her hand out stretched, and with a gleem in her eyes, and that perfect smile on her face invited me to come along.I know now that I must buckle my seatbelt with her for this is going to be an adventurous journey.I can't wait! Infact, I'm on it now.Just as she is with me and mine.She is beautiful! Alive! Vibrant! Hair flowing.Pep in her step.sparkle in her smile, and oh my God, CONFIDENT in her ability to do what she does, and do it well..Highly intelligent.Well read.Well cultured. And in addition to all that she does, she will take the time to swing her foot up my ass when I need it..What more could I ask for?? And who would think someone like her would accept and love me just as he did?..She is someone I hold dear to me.My special friend.I want her to know this..I am with you til the end..You're stuck with me, babes, and as I told you before.I'm not going anywhere. So, people like her and him don't come along very often in ones life, but I must say, I AM the lucky one..or shall I say blessed?? Yes, I am. To both of you..For him.He's some place special within me..He's safe there.."You're here..There's nothing I fear, and I know that my heart will go on.We'll stay forever this way..You are safe in my heart, and my heart will go on, and on." For her. "I'll show you love..I'll show you everything.With arms wide open.<embracing her=""></embracing></except></laughing>

In mourning...

                With less than a week left before going full time, I've been so excited, but also so nervous. 

                Despite the fact that it's such a huge change, I thought that I was emotionally ready... but I'm starting to realize that I haven't had a sufficient chance to mourn my boyself.

                A post op friend of mine told me that she never mourned herself as a boy.  She was so glad to transition that she never looked back.  I suppose that I'm a bit more sentimental than she is.  I mean, I've been 'him' for the last 37 years... and, while I'm excited, eager and ready to be Kacee, part of me will still miss 'him.'   I mean, how can I not?  'He' has been my identity for all of my life.... 'He' is known to all of my family and relatives.. and, heck, 'He' is the one who is memorialized in my high school yearbook.

                A friends who knows me both as Kacee and "him" came by tonight to spend some time.  We had popped a movie in and chatted a bit, but we both knew that this was her chance to say goodbye to 'him.'

                After the movie, it was time for her to go home... and, while I gave her a nice long hug goodbye, we both started crying.  It's not as if I wouldn't see her again (in fact, I may see her tomorrow)... but there was just something about spending that last moment.. with her and 'him' together that brought about so much emotion.

                As she left, I went up to my bedroom, crawled into bed, snuggled with my teddy bear and cried for a half hour.  I can't even say what about it all made me cry... I mean, I will always be me and 'his' memories will always be my memories.  I also realize that he's not dying or going away; instead, he is just melding seamlessly into Karine.  However, with that being said, I don't know why I have so much pent up sadness that 'he' was going away.

                So, what I've been trying to figure out for the last hour is what, in particular, will I miss about 'him?'  Is it that 'he' is just like a comfortable pair of old, worn shoes which, even though they've outlived their usefulness, are comforting to have around for sentimental reasons?  Or is there something else?  I don't care about male privilege.. and I have no desire whatsoever to be a guy... so why am I sad?

                I don't know what the next few days will hold.. whether that cleansing, cathartic cry was enough.. or whether I still need to find some other way to mourn 'him.'  Despite what happens, I can't wait to start the next phase of life.  

                  True, I am a beautiful butterfly, emerging from the cocoon.... but, despite that, there's just something about that caterpillar stage that I have a sentimental attachment to...