Hi everyone.....
Today is the one year anniversary of going full time.. and the four year anniversary of starting hormones. I have to confess that I never thought I'd get to this point because of all of the self hate, shame and the "Asian issues" that I felt about being transgendered.
However, look where I am today!!! Aside from some difficulties at my former office with my boss (I've since been transferred), things have truly been wonderful. While I was unofficially full time (full time outside of work) two years before I officially went full time (all of the time), there is something just so refreshing and amazingly energizing about being able to be myself all of the time..... to be seen and perceived as I view myself!
Sure, things aren't perfect..... I still haven't met the perfect man or woman.... and I'm still in that 'in between' stage before SRS, but I know that I could never go back to being a boy! I feel the happiness and joy and have had others tell me that they've seen a difference in me... between the boy they saw before and the happy, smiling woman standing before them today.
While I'm still living stealth, I have reached out to various friends over the past year, opening up to ones who I trust and who I know will be loving and supportive. I have also moved to distance myself from those who I know won't be as accepting.
As for my family, things are more wonderful than ever with my parents. Both are loving and accepting and, I can honestly say, I have a much better relationship with them now then ever before. My sister, unfortunately, is still not accepting or (at least appearing to) make an effort to understand or care... while I mourn the loss of the relationship with my sister and, in particular, my 2 1/2 year old niece, I realize that I have done everything I could to be there for them.... and hopefully, some day in the near future, my sister will open up her mind and allowing me into her life.
Being stealth-girl, I couldn't post a big "today is my first anniversary of being full time" blog on my pages..... on my first day of being full time, I posted a blog about the Karine 365 project.... much of it dealt with being able to be myself (ahem... Kacee) all the time... but there were other parts about just taking steps to make my life happier. With the context of what Kacee 365 is all about... here's that blog reposted :)
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A
year ago today, I posted a blog about starting the Kacee 365 project in which I
would be “making a conscious effort, in the next year, to live my life
on my terms and to be the woman who I want to be.” Unlike the Photo 365 projects
(which most people started, went strong for about 30 days, then totally
abandoned), my Kacee 365 project was more personal, not requiring me to post
daily updates about life but, instead, to just live a more genuine existence
and to find positivity.
During the last year, I have
suffered bumps and bruises, shed lots of tears, but have emerged a much happier
and stronger woman. Looking back at last year’s blog, I set three goals for
myself.
Goal #1: To be *ME*
The primary goal of Kacee 365 was to be able to
live life the way that *I* wanted and to allow people to see the real me. While I did not project a false persona to
people, I had always been more guarded about opening up and letting the world see
me… this girl. I had so much fear and
anxiety about being so open and vulnerable to people. In the last year, I have shown more of the
genuine Kacee to the world than ever, for better or worse, and the results,
without a doubt, have been truly wonderful.
Without a doubt, the most wonderful
aspect of the past year has been rediscovering my smile. While I’ve always had, flashed and shown the
smile, in the past it hasn’t always been genuine. As a graduate of the “when in doubt, just
smile and people will leave you alone” school of thought, a smile wasn’t always
a sign of my happiness. During this past
year, I’ve noticed my smile return and backed up by the joy, glee and
excitement that I feel. Friends have
also noticed, telling me that I just seem much happier than I did in the
past.
While I’ve accomplished much in my
goal to be *ME*, I realize that I still have work to do. I have confidence and self-love, but I still
notice that I will sacrifice what I want in order to appease others. Moving forward, I need to focus less on what
others think and focus more on making my dreams, wishes and hopes a reality.
Goal #2: Avoid Drama
Sadly, over the past few years,
there are have been many casualties of Kacee 365… I have made a concerted
effort to distance myself and, in some cases, banish people from my life, who
have only brought me drama, grief, stress and unhappiness. What amazes me the most is that, looking
back, a year ago, I considered some of these (now distanced) people my closest
friends, which is either a testament to how I have honed my ability to read
people or how incredibly blind I was to the stealth energy vampires and drama
mosquitoes, who swarmed around me to suck out my vitality and life. The up (and down) side of it all is that I
have much more quiet time for myself, which is always nice but, at some points,
can be lonely.
However, with the subtraction of
some people in my life, I’m happy about the addition of much more loving, supportive
and drama free friends… as well as the strengthening of existing, positive
friendship bonds and ties. I have been
able to reach out beyond my standard circle of friends to meet and get to know
such a diverse group of interesting, loving and nonjudgmental people. Branching out to other groups and people
became a necessity for me since I started to realize that one group of
acquaintances, in particular, was becoming highly toxic and unhealthy. While there are still wonderful loving people
that I met through and still keep in touch with from that group, I feel that a
large portion of that group bordered on (and often crossed the lines) being
emotionally unhealthy.
In the upcoming year (and beyond), I
will try to be more careful about where I invest my emotional energy and
love. I will no longer waste it on
people who are not worthy and need to hone my ‘Spidey sense” in rooting out the
undeserving. It’s clearly a task that’s
much easier said than done.
Goal 3: Achieving my body
goals
In the past year, I have also made
strides in attaining the body that I want.
Even though I’m still self-conscious walking around in a bikini, I am
much more confident in doing it than I was in the past. In learning to accept my body, I have started
to love my attributes, to embrace my flaws and accept accountability for the
choices that I make. I’d love to tone up
a bit more but realize that Yogurtland or skipping the gym, while not the best
ideas, will delay the achievement of perfect body that I am hoping for.
Conclusion:
The last year has been filled with
positives and negatives but, in the end, has been overwhelmingly wonderful. I
mourn the friendships that have fallen by the wayside, but take joy in knowing
that there are many other wonderful people who have stepped up to fill in that
void. I am so amazingly lucky in feeling
the love and support to open up to many more friends about where I’ve been,
where I am and where I hope to go.
I am elated that the first year of Kacee
365 has been so amazingly wonderful and successful. I start year two with even more joy,
exuberance, and enthusiasm towards making all of my wishes and desires a
reality and being at that place in life where I want to be. However, in the big picture, I realize that
it’s not about a Kacee 365 year two (or year ten)… in order to find the
happiness which I seek, I’m focused on a Kacee 365 lifetime.
