What might have been... or not?

As I rode the bus into work this morning, it stopped at the traffic light on Exposition, directly across from USC.  Waiting for the light to change, I stared across at the campus and thought about my life.

Coming to terms with being transsexual in my thirties, I often wonder how my life would be different if I had been able to understand, realize and come to terms with things much earlier in life.  How much more I would’ve enjoyed prom being able to wear a beautiful gown?  Whether college would not have been the awkward time as a young co-ed that it was for me?  So, for a few seconds, I felt sad; sad realizing that that ship had sailed and how I never would really know; sad, thinking about what might have been. 

“Don’t lament the path behind you because, without it, you would not be where you are today”

On a retreat a few years ago, a Buddhist monk had shared these words of wisdom with me.  While I understood the meaning of what she has been saying at the time, in recent years, I’ve had a chance to live the meaning.

Life has taught me that the ‘what if’s’ can tear you up inside and twist your mind like a pretzel.  What if I known as a teenager? What if I had been born a genetic girl?  What if I had transitioned 10 years ago before starting my job?

While these questions are all valid, they do nothing to help; in fact, they can only serve to torture, making you wish and long for things that you can never have.  The past is the past and can’t be changed, however, without certain experiences, without meeting certain people, without living life, I can honestly say that I would not be the same woman who I am today.

It would have been nice to transition in my teens, but I know that I wasn’t in a place where I could fathom being transsexual nor had the emotional strength to endure all that’s involved.  In short, I would’ve crumbled. 

While the path I’ve taken is a bit longer and windier than I’d prefer, it has been the journey, not the perceived destination, that has given me the strength to be who I am today.   Although I realize that transitioning on the job will be difficult, I hope that my life experiences and maturity will help me overcome this challenge and allow me to flourish.

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