Hi everyone, as promised I'm finally back to blog and catch up with you all about my life!
So what's new with me? As I had alluded to in the last blog-ette, my social circle was in flux. Without rehashing all of the dirty details, I crossed the "Queen Bee" in my circle of friends…. committing some horrible faux pas or something. Here's the funny little wrinkle… I don't really know what it is that I supposedly did that was so horrible. However, based on this misstep, she decreed that I was to be ostracized, expelled and ejected from the group. Sadly, other fair-weather friends have followed suit. The suck-y thing about it is that I haven't communicated with her since the night when everything went down. I sent her a letter a few days after that night, but never received a response… my only official notification of my fate was being unceremoniously deleted from her Myspace, Yahoo and Facebook friend lists.
For someone who was so close to me (and I to her… at least, so I thought), it's just quite disturbing and sad that she would so summarily discard our friendship without making the slightest effort to save it or even talk to me about the problem. While it would be easy to sit around and let the hate or anger fester, I'm above that. I'll admit… it really hurt… it was a betrayal of the highest degree… but I'm over it. I clearly was mistaken in how close we were but, whatever her issue or problem is, that's for her to work out. I'm fabulous… I'm wonderful… I'm loving… I'm loyal. I give my friendship freely and, if it is not wanted, I'm not going to force (or beg) anyone to take it. From the 'salt into an open wound file,' what was also especially hurtful was the realization that I had so many fair weather friends… people who would just follow suit because the Queen Bee decreed it. In the big picture, good riddance to them too… I finally saw them for the two faced fakes that they are.
Being Southern Californians, we know that have our wildfires. While it's tremendously tragic and devastating when the ecology (trees and hillsides) is scorched, it's part of the cycle of nature (btw, there is obviously a human toll, but I don't want to minimize it by using that in my example). There is a new process of growth and renewal that eventually takes place… and the land will end up being more fertile and beautiful than before… it's just a matter of time. This is how I feel… it was tremendously devastating when I ascertained that I was losing such (who I thought) a close friend. However, seeing the 'writing on the wall' in the months leading up to *that night* I started to branch out on my own.
Being so unceremoniously dumped by my friends (Lol, we can call this time AG for "After Group"), was the catalyst I needed to branch out more. While I would have preferred to have avoided the pain altogether, I see it as a necessary evil to push me forward. I don't regret spending time with those people… it's NEVER wasted time… they played a part in shaping who I am today. However, it just seems to me that I've grown out of those people… whereas once before, we had so much in common, now, I see that we're branching out into different directions… so, it was inevitable that there would be a time where we would part ways. I no longer harbor any hate or anger towards my former friends… I let those feelings go a long time ago. It's more of a supreme sense of disappointment and emotional hurt… the type of scar that never really does go away. In essence, I've forgiven, but will never forget.
Since then, I've found a new confidence and love for myself. While I still do battle through self issues of transphobia… I am embracing myself and my identity… as a loving person, as an Asian American, as a transsexual female. I know it's not going to be easy, but I'm more determined than ever to move forward and be who I am. It's taken me awhile, but I finally can love myself… to honor my feelings, wishes and desires.
So, I have something to tell you. Initially, I wanted to keep it to myself, since it is so innately personal… however, upon further reflection, I realize that it's good news... and it's something that I would like to share. So, here goes… about 3 months ago, I started hormones. I finally started the third medication last week and everything seems to be going ok. I mean, I'm guessing that if this wasn't right now me, that I would feel it? However, I just feel normal…. I mean, the birds don't since any louder and the sun doesn't shine any brighter… but I feel good.
I really have no idea how things are going to play out… I mean, at work, with friends and everyone else? However, this is just something that I had to do… and will deal with things as they occur. I mean, if there's one thing I've learned about this whole TG thingy… it's that you can't plan anything (which, as meticulous planner girl, used to bother me much more). I do realize that my next milestone will be in February, where I'll have to make the decision whether to stay with the hormones (and risk permanent changes) or try to go back.
Armed with a fresh needle mark in my bootie and a need to pee every hour (thanks Spiro!), I'm venturing out into the world… the real world. While I do still hang out with my gay and lesbian friends, I do mainstream things too… going to cooking classes, seeing movies, going on photography shoots and other things. I don't know if these people realize I'm tg (other than the fact that everyone says "wow you're tall), but if they do, no one has said anything. It's such a wonderful and rewarding feeling to just be the woman who I know I am… to not be 'one of the trannies' … just being 'one of the girls.' It's the goal that I always strived for… not to be the flashiest, or the prettiest, or the sexiest or the most colorful… I just wanted to 'a girl, doing her thing in the world…' and I know that I achieved that a long time ago.
A recent trip to Las Vegas showed me how much I've truly grown. One of my first times out in 'public public' place (read: Not a tranny or GLBT destination) was the Rio hotel with a friend about 5 years ago. I remember being so scared, so nervous, so unsure of myself as I followed her through the hotel to the café. Contrasting that with this last trip, which was a total Karine trip… going out, meeting new friends (who lived in town), etc… the only time when I couldn't be myself was when I went to a hockey game with work friends (to whom I'm not quite ready to come out to).
The trip itself was wonderful… I saw Mamma Mia, I bought 4 Coach bags (and a wallet) and I met some new friends (one of whom found me on here before I was ready to come out to him). However, one friend found me on Myspace, learned about who I am, but was still very cool, sweet and wonderful. We've kept in touch and I hope to spend time with everyone I met next time I'm in town.
Other than that, my life has been fairly normal… or as normal as it could be. I've been volunteering at the Gay and Lesbian Center when I'm able… and, more importantly, just living my life. I know I don't have an easy road ahead of me… but I know that I have the inner strength to travel it. It's nice to have discovered new friends who know, love and support me for who I am.
Talk to you soon!
Love,
Kaycee
