The last few days have been really really tough for me.
On Thursday, I went out to a club. It was a school night and everything, but I had been dying to get out… of course, anytime you look forward to something there's the natural letdown and anti-climax with it all. Things were pretty quiet and we just weren't feeling *IT* so we all left early. Perhaps it was for the best anyways, since it was a school night. However, I felt like I wasted my evening (and a cute outfit) getting ready and going out.
Friday, I met up with friends for dinner. Afterwards, we went for dessert where we had an emotional discussion about trans life. My opinion was in the minority. Reasonable minds can differ, but the whole discussion got me thinking about my life and my future… and dealing with everything right now is just so overwhelming and scary and... well... depressing for me.
Tonight, I had a family thing in the evening. I had hoped to meet up with everyone afterwards… depending, of course, on what time it ended. After the thingy ended, I drove out to the West side from Monterey Park (instead of going home to the South Bay) to try and see everyone. However, because of logistics and faulty communication, it didn't happen either. Needless to say, based on the way things had been going over the past few days, plus the fact that I felt like a total idiot driving out to the West side, it left me feeling "not so fresh."
Right now, I have so many conflicting feelings and unanswered questions in life. I just feel so alone and isolated right now… it's so hard to work through these issues. While I have a fabulous therapist, I am the one who has to walk this road… and it's so scary when you're doing it alone.
I'm not asking for anyone's sympathy… this is just my way of expressing my innermost feelings... and the fact that I feel so alone. Many may ask "is this girl ever happy?" I guess that when things go well, I don't feel a need to blog very often… it's when the road is much bumpier that I just feel the need to express my feelings.
In looking over my life, I know that I need a serious drama-ectomy... you know, a procedure to remove all of the drama in my life. Will that work? I hope so… although I don't have as much drama as many of my friends. However, energy (and time) spent dealing with drama, whether it be time spent writing pointless emails or going out and being disappointed, is energy not being spent working on me.
To that end, I'm thinking of withdrawing from everything… the online life as well as translife too. It just doesn't seem worthwhile… I mean, I spend so much time trying to connect with people online and in real life… but I still feel so alone in the world as I'm dealing with all of this stuff. I haven't decided what I'd like to do yet… however, if you don't see or hear from me for awhile, you'll know.
Well, if nothing, at least I have my Bear Bear; he loves me unconditionally and is always there for me.'
I hope everyone has a fantastic Sunday…
Kacee
