Revelations and resolutions

            Looking back at 2008, this has been a year of many ups and downs for me.  In the end, though, I wouldn't change a thing about the way that I spent my last year (although, in retrospect, I would've brought a heavier and warmer jacket when I went out last week). 

             

            What stands out most in my mind is that this is the year that I finally learned to love and honor myself.  As many people know, it's been a constant struggle to really accept and embrace *ME*.  In this past year, I've moved forward and taken affirmative steps to being *ME*…. by starting hormones and living in the real world (not just existing solely in the universe of my friends).

            

             I had resisted hormones long enough but finally got to the point where it was something that I had to do.  I owed it to myself to explore it and, 5 months later, I'm noticing and embracing the changes, physical, emotional and mental, that is has brought.  While I still don't have a set plan as to how I will proceed, I know what my endgame is… and it's just a matter of improvising the journey to get there. 

             

             The other big change in my life was the people around me. Drama happened with former friends and made me an innocent victim. I've blogged about it before and, as you might expect, on some level, it still really really hurts.  However, on the eve of 2009, I can safely say that I've moved on.  This is the last that you'll hear of it, unless something new happens… and, quite honestly, in this one paragraph, I've already wasted too much time on those people.

            

             However, with the friend drama, I've had an opportunity to surround myself with some really positive, loving and supportive people.  It's hard to trust and love after you've been hurt by those closest to you, but my new friends have made it easy.  They are warm and loving and are the bright lights in my life.  Life no longer revolves around going only out to a club, but is filled with fun, exciting and interesting outings and a parade of fun new people.  To my new friends, you know who you are... and you totally ROCK!!!  Thanks for being in my life.

            

             I realize that I'm a lucky girl… I have a loving family, fabulous and supportive friends and a secure job.  With the economy going south, my government job with civil service protection seems even more appealing.  While I know that it's not ultimately my life's work, it's comfortable enough for the time being.

            

             With the positive momentum from 2008 (and ignoring the negative things), I am ready to charge forward into 2009.  With that enthusiasm and energy, there are still things I will keep in mind:

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• Finding balance through moderation:  While I'm a firm believer in balance and moderation in life, at times, it's easy to lose sight of that goal.  I hope to find moderation in everything that I do in 2009… whether it is spending money on (yet another) fabulous purse or pair of shoes, splurging on a Costco hot dog or going out for 4 nights in a row, I need to show more self restraint. 

• Don't forget the fundamentals:  In the past, I've always found success by breaking things down to their most basic elements to conquer seemingly daunting problems.  This is the way that I lost 50 pounds before.  The fundamentals of 'eating less and only until full (not stuffed)' and getting regular exercise (going back to spinning and incorporating yoga and pilates), will be the way that I'll lose the 10lbs that I've given back recently (after keeping it off for many years).

• 'I am simply *ME*, no one can be a better *ME* than I can':  This was a reflection suggested to me by a Buddhist monk on a meditation retreat.  While it seems simple and pretty 'duh,' it has stuck in my mind for the last year or so.  Basically, I need to live my life and be *ME*… not the "me" that others expect or want me to be (dutiful child, etc) … but the person who I am.  In living that life, I need to be open, free, daring… essentially, as Tim McGraw says, "Live like you were dying." Moreover, this also means that I need to keep an open mind about everything… whether it's just trusting that I'll find love eventually (keeping my fingers crossed) or knowing that I want to find another job, I must be open to change in order to recognize these opportunities when they come. 

• Dramaprofen, brought to you by Kacee:  How cool would it be if they made a medication to bring down the hurt and pain from drama?  I've had my fair share of drama this past year.  It's not fun… it's not healthy… and far requires too much energy.  For so many years, I've managed to avoid mega drama, however, with finding and growing into myself, it's found me.  Sort of the 'you can't make an omelet without breaking eggs' theory of life.  I hope to be much better at spotting approaching drama and, much like seeing a drunken loser at a bar, running like heck when I see it. 

            I'm sure I could go on for days about small changes I can make in life (not using 'potty mouth' language and my 'driving finger' while on the freeway, re-reading the Four Agreements, etc), but I think most of the small stuff (which Richard Carlson tells us not to sweat, since it's all small stuff) can pretty much be summed up by the ideas above.

             2008 was considered a sub-par or bad year by many, however, it has been positive for me.  I feel so lucky to have so many wonderful friends... and I'm so elated to have you in my life!!!!!  Armed with a 'can do' approach, I can't wait to see what jewels and treasures await me in 2009.

             Have a fabulous (and rockin') new year… and I'll see you all on the flip side (of the calendar)!

Love always,

Kacee

I can see clearly now, the rain is gone…

Hi everyone, as promised I'm finally back to blog and catch up with you all about my life!

 

 So what's new with me?  As I had alluded to in the last blog-ette, my social circle was in flux.  Without rehashing all of the dirty details, I crossed the "Queen Bee" in my circle of friends…. committing some horrible faux pas or something.  Here's the funny little wrinkle… I don't really know what it is that I supposedly did that was so horrible. However, based on this misstep, she decreed that I was to be ostracized, expelled and ejected from the group.  Sadly, other fair-weather friends have followed suit.  The suck-y thing about it is that I haven't communicated with her since the night when everything went down.  I sent her a letter a few days after that night, but never received a response… my only official notification of my fate was being unceremoniously deleted from her Myspace, Yahoo and Facebook friend lists.

 For someone who was so close to me (and I to her… at least, so I thought), it's just quite disturbing and sad that she would so summarily discard our friendship without making the slightest effort to save it or even talk to me about the problem.  While it would be easy to sit around and let the hate or anger fester, I'm above that.  I'll admit… it really hurt… it was a betrayal of the highest degree… but I'm over it.  I clearly was mistaken in how close we were but, whatever her issue or problem is, that's for her to work out.  I'm fabulous… I'm wonderful… I'm loving… I'm loyal.  I give my friendship freely and, if it is not wanted, I'm not going to force (or beg) anyone to take it.  From the 'salt into an open wound file,' what was also especially hurtful was the realization that I had so many fair weather friends… people who would just follow suit because the Queen Bee decreed it.  In the big picture, good riddance to them too… I finally saw them for the two faced fakes that they are. 

 Being Southern Californians, we know that have our wildfires. While it's tremendously tragic and devastating when the ecology (trees and hillsides) is scorched, it's part of the cycle of nature (btw, there is obviously a human toll, but I don't want to minimize it by using that in my example).  There is a new process of growth and renewal that eventually takes place… and the land will end up being more fertile and beautiful than before… it's just a matter of time.  This is how I feel… it was tremendously devastating when I ascertained that I was losing such (who I thought) a close friend.  However, seeing the 'writing on the wall' in the months leading up to *that night* I started to branch out on my own.

 Being so unceremoniously dumped by my friends (Lol, we can call this time AG for "After Group"), was the catalyst I needed to branch out more.  While I would have preferred to have avoided the pain altogether, I see it as a necessary evil to push me forward.  I don't regret spending time with those people… it's NEVER wasted time… they played a part in shaping who I am today.  However, it just seems to me that I've grown out of those people… whereas once before, we had so much in common, now, I see that we're branching out into different directions… so, it was inevitable that there would be a time where we would part ways.  I no longer harbor any hate or anger towards my former friends… I let those feelings go a long time ago.  It's more of a supreme sense of disappointment and emotional hurt… the type of scar that never really does go away.  In essence, I've forgiven, but will never forget.

 Since then, I've found a new confidence and love for myself. While I still do battle through self issues of transphobia… I am embracing myself and my identity… as a loving person, as an Asian American, as a transsexual female.  I know it's not going to be easy, but I'm more determined than ever to move forward and be who I am.  It's taken me awhile, but I finally can love myself… to honor my feelings, wishes and desires.

            

             So, I have something to tell you.  Initially, I wanted to keep it to myself, since it is so innately personal… however, upon further reflection, I realize that it's good news... and it's something that I would like to share.  So, here goes… about 3 months ago, I started hormones.  I finally started the third medication last week and everything seems to be going ok.  I mean, I'm guessing that if this wasn't right now me, that I would feel it?  However, I just feel normal…. I mean, the birds don't since any louder and the sun doesn't shine any brighter… but I feel good.

             

            I really have no idea how things are going to play out… I mean, at work, with friends and everyone else?  However, this is just something that I had to do… and will deal with things as they occur.  I mean, if there's one thing I've learned about this whole TG thingy… it's that you can't plan anything (which, as meticulous planner girl, used to bother me much more).  I do realize that my next milestone will be in February, where I'll have to make the decision whether to stay with the hormones (and risk permanent changes) or try to go back.

             

            Armed with a fresh needle mark in my bootie and a need to pee every hour (thanks Spiro!), I'm venturing out into the world… the real world.  While I do still hang out with my gay and lesbian friends, I do mainstream things too… going to cooking classes, seeing movies, going on photography shoots and other things.  I don't know if these people realize I'm tg (other than the fact that everyone says "wow you're tall), but if they do, no one has said anything.  It's such a wonderful and rewarding feeling to just be the woman who I know I am… to not be 'one of the trannies' … just being 'one of the girls.'  It's the goal that I always strived for… not to be the flashiest, or the prettiest, or the sexiest or the most colorful… I just wanted to 'a girl, doing her thing in the world…' and I know that I achieved that a long time ago. 

             

            A recent trip to Las Vegas showed me how much I've truly grown.  One of my first times out in 'public public' place (read:  Not a tranny or GLBT destination) was the Rio hotel with a friend about 5 years ago.  I remember being so scared, so nervous, so unsure of myself as I followed her through the hotel to the café.  Contrasting that with this last trip, which was a total Karine trip… going out, meeting new friends (who lived in town), etc… the only time when I couldn't be myself was when I went to a hockey game with work friends (to whom I'm not quite ready to come out to).

             

            The trip itself was wonderful… I saw Mamma Mia, I bought 4 Coach bags (and a wallet) and I met some new friends (one of whom found me on here before I was ready to come out to him).  However, one friend found me on Myspace, learned about who I am, but was still very cool, sweet and wonderful.  We've kept in touch and I hope to spend time with everyone I met next time I'm in town. 

            

             Other than that, my life has been fairly normal… or as normal as it could be.  I've been volunteering at the Gay and Lesbian Center when I'm able… and, more importantly, just living my life.  I know I don't have an easy road ahead of me… but I know that I have the inner strength to travel it.  It's nice to have discovered new friends who know, love and support me for who I am.

             

Talk to you soon!

 Love,

Kaycee

An Appetizer

Hi everyone, I've been super busy but have been PM'd by a few people wondering which chasm I had fallen and disappeared into. I guess they wanted an update.

Well, rest assured, I haven't been swallowed up by a huge gorge…. Instead, I've been busy tending to that girl known as 'ME!'

Anyhow, I've been busy and a lot has happened since I last blogged. I figured the best way was to just give a brief update…. Some hors d'oeuvres to whet your appetite until I am able to compose another tome.

So what's new with me?

- A major shakeup in my circle of friends. Those who I felt closest to betrayed me and didn't even have the decency to tell me why. On the upside, I've moved on and feel more positive, upbeat and fabulous than ever before! 

- I just got back from a fabulous trip in Las Vegas, where I met a lot of really fun and wonderful new friends. Of course, now I'm totally exhausted!!!

- ESPN has it's "50 Stories in 50 Days" series… I have 3 friends in 2 days that I've come out to. If I'm trying to match ESPN, I guess I can take tomorrow off and then come out to someone else on Thursday.

- I've been taking further steps into exploring myself (ooooh… mysterious, huh?)

- Most importantly (lol), I've been on a Coach bag buying spree. OMG, I must have at least 4 new bags!!!!!

I'll try to compose a real blog when I get some time… but for now, all of you "Karine update" hungry people will have to make due with this!

ttyl

Kacee

Fortune Cookie Kacee

Hi everyone… it's been awhile since I last wrote. The last month and a half or so have been a tremendous time for personal growth… and I was thinking about sharing some of the new revelations I've come to. So, sit with me while I open my crispy Kacee Fortune Cookies and ponder these new revelations.


1. Kacee's Fortune Cookie say... In life, you need to have dynamic goals. 

     A month ago, I celebrated yet another birthday. My birthday routine normally involves sitting and reflecting on where I am in life and where I hoped to be. Ever since I was little, I always envisioned myself as being successful at work and having the All American family… wife, children, a house with a white picket fence, a labradoodle, etc.  

     Pondering the big transitioning question, I don't see myself living out that dream… at least the way that I envisioned it as a child. In past years and even this year, I was down on myself, because I didn't have the life I dreamt about as a child. No wife, no kids, no house with a picket fence… in essence, no 'happily ever after.' As a result, I felt like a total failure in life.

     This year, I vowed to change my thinking, deciding that my life goals don't need to be set in stone; they should be fluid and dynamic. Life is always changing and, as a result, my goals should be adjusted accordingly. I realized that, even though the idealized vision of what my 'grown up' life looked like as a kid is not going to happen, there can be other ways to 'have it all.' Whether it's coming home to a wife (or a husband), a labradoodle or even just Bear Bear… just because things aren't the way I dreamed they would be, doesn't mean that I've failed… I just need to redefine what 'success' is for me.


2. Kacee's Fortune Cookie say... I have two legs… I'm going to use them to stand on my own 

     In the past few weeks, I've really started to find myself. The weird thing is that I really haven't tried any harder or done anything different… except to trust and start to make a life for myself. While I still haven't made a final decision about which way I'm going with transitioning, I'm learning self confidence… and starting to honor myself.

     Case in point, for my birthday, I went down to San Diego on my own. While I met up with a few friends and went out, I did spend the majority of my time in the city, doing my own thing. It's not (and hasn't been, for a long time) about trying to push the envelope about what I can do dressed… it's about being out as myself and experiencing the genuine pleasure of just being me. My San Diego experiences were just steps in my evolution and development as Karine.

     In the past, when being out and about, I've also felt that I've needed my friends as a crutch. While I used to see myself as half of 'Kacee'n,' I now realize that true happiness comes from just being Kacee… the girl doing her own thing in the world. I can go out to a club, dance some (maybe after a drink… or three) and have a great time… or just treasuring the simple pleasures of wandering solo through art exhibit, going on a photography expedition or finding the right pair of flared jeans (deeply discounted and on sale, of course).

     My fun doesn't depend on others… my life isn't about living in another person's shadow. I have found the self confidence and self respect to just be myself in the world. I'm not saying it's a bad thing to enjoy the support of friends for strength… I'm just saying that one shouldn't rely on. I have two legs and I'm learning to use them to stand on my own.


3. Kacee's Fortune Cookie say... Don't be afraid to be who you are 

     A lot of this may seem to be a 'duh,' but it's something that I also have to come to terms with. I am 'ME'… and I am the best me that anyone can be. This is something I learned at a retreat about a year ago… a valuable lesson in living life to the fullest and just being myself. 

     I'm anal retentive… I'm a type A personality… I worry about things… I over analyze things. However, I'm also fun…cheery… and have a great sense of humor. I love baking cookies and connecting with people and, once you get to know me, you'll uncover my bubbly and fun loving nature. I am loyal… I am loving… I am nurturing… I care deeply and have compassion for others. People, I am ME… the good, the bad and the ugly.  

     I was recently confronted with a choice… whether to be myself, warts and all, or whether to hide and suppress my own emotions and feelings. I am who I am just as other people are who they are. No one is 100% compatible in this world… so, if you're willing to make the effort for those you love, just have to work through those conflicts. In that instance, I chose to be me… just as I would urge others to be who they are.


4. Kacee's Fortune Cookie say... When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. When life doesn't give you any fruit, find something and juice the heck out of it 

     As most of you know, I'm not necessarily the most optimistic person. However, I'm working to be less pessimistic and have found that I am much better about looking to make the best out of any opportunity that comes my way. However, if those opportunities aren't presenting themselves, it's up to ME to make positive change in my life. It's up to me to find the resolve and dedication to attain my goals.

     Which brings me to my point… use those lemons to make lemonade but, if you don't have any lemons, you need to find your own fruit… creating your own motivation to jump start that momentum. For example, I have often felt limited in my social outings ( not the club again!!!!!). It would be so easy to sit on my couch, watching Daily Show reruns, twiddling my thumbs and lamenting my fate. However, I've taken the initiative to find other groups and like minded fun seekers to branch out with. On Saturday, I'm planning on museuming during the day and seeing Mama Mia in the evening. On Sunday, I'm hoping to be out at a beach party.

     Life has so many wonderful opportunities and I intend to try to follow through on as many as possible. If you would like to join me on my quest to live life, you're more than welcome. If not, it's your loss!

     Anyhow, thanks for listening (reading). These little nuggets of wisdom may not mean much to you, but they've given me some clarity and direction… and, more importantly, a swift kick in the pants! I am me… I am Kacee… and I am Fabulous!

Love,

Kacee

My birthday week (and a half)

Hey everyone… well my real (as opposed to my tg) birthday has come and gone. As I've told more than a few people, there was only one thing about my ex-girlfriend that I admired… her ability to milk her birthday for as much as she could. When I was with her, I saw her stretch out her birthday over two weeks. I didn't want to be a little princess about it, so I've settled for a week and a half.

The past week and a half have been pretty fantastic. I've eaten lots of yummy dinners with family and friends (especially with my family at Roy's and at La Boheme with Laura and Taleen). I've also gone out with the girls and had my share of drinks too (final score: Long Island Ice Teas 3- Kacee 1).

I also took last week off as well, spending part of the week running errands and the last part of it relaxing in San Diego. Why San Diego? Well, it is close, the weather is fabulous, the shopping is fabulous-er… and I haven't been down to see my SD friends in ages (nearly two years).

So what's there to say about San Diego? In short, it was fabulous!

Shopping… by the time I left for home, I had 2 new Coach purses (my first Coach bags!), a Dooney and Bourke bag, a fun pair of Nine West leather flats and a few new outfits. I also ordered a beautiful lilac Bebe trench… hopefully arriving at my doorstep soon (yay!).

Sightseeing… I'm not one to sit in a hotel room and twiddle my thumbs (especially since I didn't know whether that could cause calluses). I had a fun time touring Petco Park, going through Old Town and seeing the Whaley House (purported to be one of the most haunted houses in the country), and visiting the Natural History Museum to see the Pompeii exhibit. I had really wanted to see the Whaley House ever since I saw it featured on a Travel Channel special. I took a few pix and was told by the docents that the orby thingies were ghosts… I've post them below to let you decide. The Pompeii exhibit was really exciting since it contained recovered artifacts that were 2000 years old… and included body casts of the people trapped and killed by the eruption (it sounds morbid, but it's really fascinating).

Clubs… went to a new club called Universal. I saw the décor from the outside and thought it looked interesting. Little did I know that I would be there the next night. It was a rockin' good time, with great music and an interesting mix of gay and straight people. The gay boys at the club were the funnest ever!!! I had such a rockin' time that I got out there and danced my little bootie off. 

Friends… the main reason why I visited was to see and reconnect with my friends. First and foremost was my friend Rhonda (who totally rocks!). We hadn't seen each other in about 2 years, but caught up and, in no time, it was like we had never been apart. I also had an opportunity to see my friend Ken, as well as connect with Kim (and her wife) and meeting Paulina.

However, after all that, the most surreal moment of the San Diego trip came for me when I was shopping. It's no biggy to me, but I know that some m-f tg's are uncomfortable shopping for women's clothing dressed as a guy. My surreal moment came when I was out shopping and saw a killer sale on 'boy clothes.' I'm sure that, walking in, I looked like a girlfriend who was shopping for her man. However, I wasn't quite sure if a pair of dress slacks would fit me right. So I grabbed the slacks and a cute dress and walked into the dressing room. I was giggling as I looked in the mirror and saw myself standing there, with my purple tank top and a pair of black striped men's slacks. It was just a strange moment as I had realized the direction my life is going and how removed I am from 'boy clothes' (Btw, the dress was cute, but I didn't like the way it fit around my booty).

Not to be totally dramatic, but I have to tell you about the most wonderful moment of the week! My Mother's birthday is a few days after mine… so, not knowing what to buy her, I asked her if she would like to go shopping with me for her gift… I told her that we could go to Chico's (her fav store) to shop for an outfit… or I could take her makeup shopping. She chose makeup shopping… it was pretty fabulous and I'm sure that the MAC girl thought I was a bitchy gay boy since I had opinions and suggestions about what my Mom should wear… but, the thing is that I know makeup!!! In the end, we hit both MAC and Sephora and she took home a whole makeup bag of new stuff… fabulous colors and products. And… on top of that, she told me that she had a great time shopping with me! I felt that we had a great Mother and daugh…umm…sssoo… child bonding moment.

Anyways, the birthday has come and gone… and I'm back at work trying to stay awake. I have my wonderful memories of the week… as well as my two new Coach bags!

Love,

Kacee