Dr. Downer (or How I Learned to Deal With & Embrace My Angst)

"Hey! You think I'm never lonely because I'm so cute and popular? I can be surrounded by people and be completely alone. It's not like any of them really know me."

Hi everyone, that's actually a quote from an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer called "Invisible Girl" from a few years ago. Sadly, it kinda describes how I'm feeling right now. Its nearly 2am right now and I got back from the club a little bit ago. I'm comfortably nestled in bed in my pink flannel PJ's with my fuzzy slippers sitting on the ground next to my bed. . . but I wanted to jot down my thoughts while they are still fresh in my mind. 

A little bit of background. . . . for the past few days, I've been in a total funk. I really can't pinpoint where its coming from, but I suspect that its probably a combination of the holidays as well as some serious soul searching that I've been doing in trying to figure out who I am and what's in store for me. 

My Friday plans fell through and I ended up staying home last night . . . . so tonight (Saturday) was my big chance to get out. I was supposed to meet up with my normal group of friends at Bar Sinister (a local goth club) as well as a few friends from out of town. I had been up in the air about going since I never really have a great time at Sinister. . . however, I went out just to see the girls. . . plus, I had hoped that some socializing might help to snap me out of my funk. 

As I was starting to get ready, I got a call from one of my out of town friends, telling me that she and a few others weren't going to make it. In retrospect, I should've taken that as an omen. I continued to get ready and decided to pull out all the stops and look really nice. By the time I finished, I found a hot outfit (see above), paired it up with my Charles David knee high boots. I painted my nails in my favorite OPI color and topped things off with my colored contacts and a set of lashes. I was really feeling like a total hottie when I left the house. 

Things continued to go well as I got up through traffic in record time and got the last remaining spot in the parking lot. However, once I set foot in the club, I knew that things weren't quite right. I had arrived at the club just a wee bit early (around 10ish), but it was totally dead . . . which brings me to the quote above. 

I'm already in a bit of a fragile emotional state but to then walk into a club that's not happening and filled with unfriendly people (a friend had described it once as a crowd of mostly snarling goth kids) was just demoralizing. When I found my friends, they were chatting with other people and doing their own thing. . . I really didn't want to bother them. However, I really felt like Cordelia did . . . I was literally surrounded by people on all sides, but totally alone. I eventually chatted with a few of my friends but the isolation and loneliness. I mean, I can only 'people watch' so much and seeing a few girls on the stage get tied up and whipped pretty much fulfilled that quota. The problem is that, aside from people watching, there really wasn't much else to do there . . . I would've been totally happy to have a ring toss, a Mexican Hat Dance or anything to break up the monotony! 

I took a few laps around the club, discovering a few more flogging stations, but really wasn't able to make lemonade out of lemons. It was time to go. On the way to my car, the parking lot guy asked me how I was doing. . . . sad, but true, but the scary thing is that I'm pretty sure I had a longer conversation with him than with anyone inside the club. 

I realize that this isn't quite as happy and upbeat as my usual blogs, but I'm just so bummed out about things and feeling sooooo alone in the world. I really don't know what the solution to my problem is. . . perhaps I just need to take a vacation from my online presence & clubbing and focus on finding bliss. . . we'll see. 

Anyhow, I hope that you all have found your bliss and have a safe and fun new years! 

Love, 

Kacee

Back from my Boston and Canada trip, eh?

Hi everyone,

      Well, Ive been back from vacation for a few weeks and have finally gotten back into the swing of things. As a result, I have no excuse to slack off on this whole blogging thing. So here goes. . .

      First and foremost was the vacation. I had a wonderful time up in New England as well as Toronto. In the Boston area, I met up with my friend Karen. We had fun wandering out and about and even stopped off to get our nails done! The next day, we met up and paid a visit to Jamie Austin, for a much anticipated makeover and photo shoot. For starters, Im pretty happy with my normal look, but what girl doesnt like to play a glamorous game of dress up every so once in awhile? Anyhow, after Jamie finished with me, I was in totally in awe of the girl staring back at me in the mirror. I mean, it was me, but it was also MEEEEEEE!!!! I had tons of fun, trying out different looks (including the HOT blonde look you see in my profile pix) and outfits and, but for the fact that Karen and I were going to meet up with friends for dinner, I couldve continued on forever!

      At dinner, I had an opportunity to meet up with so many new and wonderful people. Everyone was so incredibly nice and I really do hope to keep in touch with all of my new New England friends! A special thanks goes out to Jamie for all of the wonderful pictures, Karen for making sure I had a full social calendar . . . and a big hug to all of the girls I met, especially Victoria and Gina!

      Toronto was also a total blast too! I had an opportunity to see and chat with many of my friends in town. I also made the most of my time and tried to sightsee as much as possible. One of my favorite outings was taking a day trip out to Niagara Falls. I mean, initially, I thought, its a waterfall . . . so what? However, as we drove up and I saw the falls for the first time, I was totally mesmerized by the majesty and power of the Falls. When I took the boat ride into the falls area, I learned why it was called The Maid of the Mist . . . but for the blue poncho they gave us to wear, I wouldve been soaked! Of course, the Asian Photo Gene set in and I took TONS of pix of the Falls!

      Now, anyone who knows me knows Im a hockey chick. . . and it just happens that the Hockey Hall of Fame is also located in Toronto. It was SOOOO totally COOL to visit the Hall and see all of the historic memorabilia. However, the true treasure was on the second level, where they keep all of the post season award trophies as well as the STANLEY CUP! It was so totally wonderful just to see the Cup up close. . . to hold it. . . kiss it and, of course, take a bunch of pictures with it too!

      Toronto was a totally fun city to visit . . . and I was so incredibly lucky to have such cool friends to hang out with too. Laurie and Valerie, Im totally grateful for both of you taking the time to show me around town. Whether we were out grabbing a yummy bite to eat and catching a show or wandering around town scratching that photography itch, I had a wonderful time! Thanks so much!

      So, Ive been back for a few weeks now, but have been trying to get out as much as possible. Last weekend, I was lucky enough to go shopping with a few friends. . . and picked up the cutest purple top, a couple of pairs of jeans (including a pair of skinny jeans which, Im told, are going to be BIG!) and a new black corset (for when Im feeling both naughty and sexy). For a girl who has a big closet full of clothes, I had to stop and think. . . do I really need more stuff? Well, duh, the answer is of course. . . YES!!!!

      So, the Fourth of July is coming up (or, as its known to my non-American friends, Tuesday). . . I dont have any big plans other than perhaps trying to meet up with a few girlfriends. . . and going to a few BBQs (but not too many or else I wont be able to fit those new skinny jeans).

      Anyhow, thanks so much to you folks who actually made it to the end of this blog without falling asleep! Im hoping to rotate a few new pix into my myspace album sometime in the next few weeks. . . keep checking back, k?

Have a wonderful 4th of July (or Happy Tuesday if youre not American)!

Love,

Kacee