Part of your world...

Part of your world...

"Look at this stuff
Isn't it neat?
Wouldn't you think my collection's complete?
Wouldn't you think I'm the girl
The girl who has everything?
Look at this trove
Treasures untold
How many wonders can one cavern hold?
Looking around here you think
Sure, she's got everything
I've got gadgets and gizmos a-plenty
I've got whozits and whatzits galore
You want thingamabobs?
I've got twenty!
But who cares?
No big deal
I want more

I wanna be where the people are
I wanna see, wanna see them dancin'
Walking around on those - what do you call 'em?
Oh - feet!

Flippin' your fins, you don't get too far
Legs are required for jumping, dancing
Strolling along down a - what's that word again?
Street

Up where they walk, up where they run
Up where they stay all day in the sun
Wanderin' free - wish I could be
Part of that world

What would I give if I could live out of these waters?
What would I pay to spend a day warm on the sand?
Bet'cha on land they understand
That they don't reprimand their daughters
Proper women sick of swimmin'
Ready to stand

And ready to know what the people know
Ask 'em my questions and get some answers
What's a fire and why does it - what's the word?
Burn?

When's it my turn?
Wouldn't I love, love to explore that world up above?
Out of the sea
Wish I could be
Part of that world"

"Part of Your World" from Disney's "The Little Mermaid"

Hi everyone… as you all know, I've been working on "myself." As part of that process, I've come to the conclusion that I need to experience life. For far too long, I've been isolated from the world… not in a crazy Howard Hughes sort of way, but just that I've always felt a bit removed from finding true happiness… you know, in sort of a 'heart held captive in a Rapunzel-esque type of tower' way, hidden and held prisoner.

This is where the cute little song from "The Little Mermaid" comes in. For starters, I've had it stuck in my head for quite awhile. However, what strikes me most about the song is that I feel the same things that Ariel is singing about. 

On the surface, many people would think that I have everything … a good job, a nice smile and the ability to rock a miniskirt (among other things). For me, that's not enough, I want to experience life and join in the fun and exciting world out there. In essence, be part of THAT world. I really do feel that I'm sitting on the outside, staring in… and I'm finally ready to venture forth.

As I said, I'm not hermit or anything… I've been out and about in the world, shopping, museums, trying new restaurants, shopping, going on my photographic expeditions, shopping, visiting amusement parks and traveling across the country and into Canada…lol, I've even shot automatic weapons with the ATF (btw, have I mentioned shopping???)! Even with all of that, I still feel like there's something missing; the problem, of course, is that I'm still trying to figure out what THAT is.

I mean, there's the easy 'fun' stuff… I'd love to walk down the runway in a fashion show, model in a photo shoot (watch out Instyle, here I come) or even walk down a beach at sunset with my true love. BTW, I do come with modeling cred… ask Taleen about my "Project Runway" strut!

I'm still yearning for other fun (and safe) experiences out there… does anyone have any suggestions? Anyone with any cool hookups? Please let me know either by blog response or private message.

I'm also having my Maslow's Hierarchy moments too. I would also like to feel that I'm making a difference in the world. Although my work in the law is one means of making a difference, I'm hoping to do more. I have a couple of ideas there, but I'm also open to other suggestions.

Anyhow, I guess I just want to pick everyone's brains for ideas about how to "live life to the fullest?" Btw, before anyone suggests "Kacee, broaden those horizons by going out with me," you better put some serious thought and creativity into it… Carl's Jr (even with full beverage bar privileges) isn't going to work…lol

I look forward to hearing what you all think!

Love,

Kacee

An emotional girl... revisited and reexamined

Its funny how time on the road often gives you time to think. I was driving home from a game at Staples Center tonight and had an opportunity to think about things… and the blog I posted the other night… and, in particular, the responses.

It is interesting that I spent the majority of the blog-space talking about the various emotions that I was feeling at the moment. However, many of the responses I received (some in posted comments, but many as private emails), dealt with the 'lovelorn' emotion. 

In doing my internet research, the main definition of 'lovelorn' is being "bereft of love." Wow... that's kinda rough sounding, isn't it? Deprived of love? Well, you'll be happy to know that things aren't that bad. I mean, I do have love in my life… love from my family… and also love from my friends. However, the love that I am lacking is that romantic love (wow, how sad and desperate sounding is that?).

Now that I sound totally pitiful, please know that I'm not some sort of clingy girl, looking for any attachment and settling for whatever comes along… and don't worry, things aren't as sad and pitiful as they sound :)  This is where my 'thinking while driving' thingy sort of comes into play.

Amongst my high school friends, I'm one of the last single people. A year ago, I would have felt horrible about myself because of that, but, today, I'm actually OK with it. Part of that comes from the fact that I'm still kinda indecisive about things. I'm still mulling the 'am I looking for a boy or a girl?' question in my mind… and realize that, until I am able to come close to resolving that question, I'll never be able to feel 100% comfortable giving my pure, unconditional love to anyone. 

Perhaps the easiest way to start resolving this question is just to live life. That's easy, isn't it? But don't worry, I'm already on that!

I'm also a firm believer in balance. If one aspect of life is out of balance, all others will be too. If I'm able to find balance in one part of life, hopefully the other parts will fall into place too. As for finding that balance, well, that's just a bit more difficult than living life. With a job transfer Downtown (hopefully an improvement, although my commute just went from 8 minutes to over an hour), hopefully things will get better… we'll see, I guess.

Btw, I just have to say…. As part of my 'living life' thingy, I was out at a club with the girls on Friday. I was 'Keeper of the Purses" for part of the evening… in an attempt to amuse myself, I created the sculpture below… I call it "I wish they mixed stronger drinks here!" It's not a Duchamp or anything, but it's unexpected and shatters conventions, right?

Anyhow… back to living life!

Love,

Kacee

An Emotional Girl

It's almost 1.30am and I'm sitting in bed. I probably should be asleep soon, but I feel overcome by a lot of different emotions.

Anxiety—Just feeling it in general. However, I'm also feeling it over the transfer to the Downtown office… effective Monday. 

Exhaustion—it's been a long week and staying up late doesn't help.

Happy—I just had a fabulous night out! A couple of drinks, chatting with people and seeing a few people who I haven't seen in awhile. I can feel less tension and stress in my heart… I just had to tilt my head back, relax and smile.

Lovelorn—while I was chatting with friends tonight, the issue of love came up. I'm still looking for that perfect person who understands and loves me for me… who unconditionally loves every ounce of my being and is truly serious about pursuing an *us*

Hopeful—I really don't even know what I'm hoping for, except to say that I know there's a sustained happiness that awaits me… once I figure out what I want and work toward making it happen. It's nice to feel optimistic about life.

Speaking which of hope, I hope that this upcoming weekend goes well. I'll probably spend a bit of time out and about, but I'm also hoping to putter around my place and take care of things that need to be done. Anyways, I hope that you all have a fabulous weekend… and will talk to you later!

Love,

Kacee

One small step for [a] Kacee, one giant leap for Karine-kind

          Hi everyone, I've been busy riding the rollercoaster of life.  I think when we had last chatted, I had come out to both my Mother (part 2) and my sister.  With my family, not too much has changed… I haven't talked to my sister in awhile about "things"… although, from time to time, my Mother and I have talked about the tg thingy… and, after finally motivating myself to read "True Selves," I was able to pass the book onto her.

          The rollercoaster, of late, has seemed to be more of Space Mountain variety… what I mean is that life has sorta been like riding a roller coaster in the dark.  I know for sure I'm on the ride, but I often can't tell whether I'm going up or down until it's too late.

           I am still figuring out who I am and what I want out of life (that hasn't changed from blog to blog) but I just seem to have my good days and bad days… and, while I may be feeling fine one minute, the next I may be hurling back down to Earth, descending towards an abyss of sadness, loneliness, pessimism and just generally feeling kinda *blah* about life.

          As I'm sure I've mentioned before, I have an idea of where I'm going in life in regards to the TG thing.  A few of the biggest stressors (other than laboring over the question of whether "am I really…. or not?') has been in regard to family, friends and work.

          Family, you all know about… I'm nearly all the way there to telling my immediate family (sorry Dad, it's not your time yet)… and friends… well, I'll have to take it as it happens.

           The work thingy has been a big deal for me.  Without revealing too many secrets, I work for the county in a very conservative office.  While I've met a completely transitioned colleague (she is self employed, but has interactions with my office) who says that people in my office are wonderfully understanding, I'm still a bit uncomfortable with the notion of transitioning in my office (if that's where I'm going with things).  The other thingy is that, while I'm doing worthwhile work, I've just not ever felt that it was my life calling… however, it's the safe job…, a decent salary, good hours and plenty of job security

          As those who know me will attest to, I've stated on a number of occasions that I'm looking to make a change… but, when push comes to shove, I always find a reason to procrastinate.

          Well… this past week, I had one of those moments that spurred me to action.  I had a run in with a coworker (who is a 'problem child' that has stabbed me in the back before)… the details aren't important, however, none of it was my fault.  Afterwards, when I talked to my bosses about it, they told me that they get a lot of complaints about her… but that I should have communicated better with her.  That really made me angry since I went above and beyond what I needed to… and, despite doing so, this coworker still threw a tantrum. 

          Wednesday night, I left work angry… I mean, I work hard, I help people out in ways outside of my job duties and I'm good at what I do. 

          Thursday, I came into work… and had a revelation.  I wasn't happy on the job… and the bosses weren't backing me up when my coworker was messing with me.  Why the heck am I staying here?  Now, I didn't have any dramatic "walking into my bosses office and telling them to 'take their job and shove it'" moments.  However, I came to the realization that this job isn't the only job in the world for me… and that it was finally time to make a change (!!!!!).  As I walked out of the building to go to lunch, I smiled, then giggled…. all while thinking about the wonderful moment when I will go into my boss' office and resign after finding the job that truly makes me happy. 

          Since then, I've felt better about everything… the dark cloud that has followed me around has seemed to gone its own way.  Standing up for myself and putting that coworker in her place has given me a big boost of self esteem and confidence.  I know for certain that my mood has improved… and, at this point in time, it's just a matter of dusting off and reconstructing my resume…. and getting back into job search mode. Guess what I'm hoping to do over this long weekend  :)

          

          I am going to have a busy next week and a half at work… but, in my spare moments, I'm going to try to get online to find jobs with meaning… places where I feel that I can work and fulfill my life's calling.  It's strange and unfamiliar for me, but I can't wait to feel some sort of joy and purpose when going to work… instead of just going someplace merely to collect a paycheck. 

I'll try to keep everyone posted…

Love,

Kacee

Come out, come out, wherever you are!

Hi everyone… I'm totally busy with work and everything right now, but I wanted to just take a moment to update everyone on my goings ons.

As the title would indicate, I've spent the past few weeks coming out to loved ones. I haven't made any final decisions about where I'm going with the trans-thingy… but, for some reason or another, I've felt the need to come out to a few people.

First was my Mom. I came out to her about 3 years ago… at that time it was the "I like to dress" discussion since that's all it really was to me at the time. About a month ago, I sat down with her again and had Part II. I mean, most of you know that, for the last year or so, I've been struggling with the whole trans-thingy, trying to figure out whether I want to start hormones, transition, etc. 

In talking to my Mom, I told her about Kacee (again) and how this seems to go much deeper than just dressing up. While I told her I didn't know where I was going with things, she told me that she sensed that I would probably transition. She wasn't overjoyed by the news that I'm potentially TS, but was supportive nonetheless… which was nice to know.

The second person I came out to was my little sister. We're about 2.5 years apart and grew up fairly close. I mean, when we were little, we used to play dress up sometimes. She stopped playing… obviously, I never did. While we've grown up and gone our separate ways, we've still remained somewhat close. However, in the last two years or so, she's taken it upon herself to comment on all of the girly traits that I'm starting to display… whether it be growing my hair and nails out or the fact that my eyebrows are thin and well kept, I can count on her to say something at the most inopportune moment (i.e. at dinner with the entire extended family, etc).

I had planned on coming out to her, but hadn't planned to do it this soon. However, since she's been so relentless in 'calling me out,' I sped up the timeframe to Saturday. Of course, in classic Kacee form, we *scheduled* a chat for Saturday night at 7pm :)

I met her at home, just as her husband was leaving for work. We chit chatted for about an hour… talking about stuff that was going on. Finally, I asked… "ok, what would you like to ask me about" to which she responded "what's going on with you?" 

I spent the next hour or so, telling her about the evolution of Kacee… from the time we we played dress up until the therapy session I had gone to a few days before. While I was always skeptical as to her motivations for 'calling me out' (i.e. she was giving me grief for the fun of it), it turns out that it came from her deep concern for me. 

We talked a lot, we cried a lot, we hugged a lot… it was very therapeutic for both of us. In the back of my mind, I always feared that things would go horribly when I came out to her, however, I knew, intellectually, that it would be fine…. And it was. 

I left her house 5 hours later, thoroughly exhausted, but feeling energized by the love and support of my sister. She's also not a 'rah rah' fan of the whole TG thing… but she's approaching it with an open mind and said that she just needs time to think it through. I had brought my laptop to show her some pix in case she was interested. She was, but passed because she told me she wasn't quite ready for it… I can appreciate that. However, when she does see them, I'm sure she'll be floored by the fact that we look so much alike… like sisters :)

Oh… I should mention that she still wants to meet everyone. Lol, for those who know me, you should know that she's even more sensitive to alcohol than I am! While I get my "Asian Glow --" after a drink and a half, she can't even drink. She's tried in the past and only succeeded in getting nauseous … and decorating the floor with the contents of her stomach!

Anyways, I really haven't had much time to think about everything since Saturday. The next two weeks at work are going to prove to be quite busy… hopefully I can finish things up early, well in advance of Christmas… lol, I still have lots of shopping to do!

Well, if I don't blog again before then, I would just like to wish everyone a happy 'winter holiday of your choice.' … which reminds me…. I still have to get down to Target to buy a Christmas tree!

Love,

Kacee

My Emotional Fortress of Solitude

The last few days have been really really tough for me.

On Thursday, I went out to a club. It was a school night and everything, but I had been dying to get out… of course, anytime you look forward to something there's the natural letdown and anti-climax with it all. Things were pretty quiet and we just weren't feeling *IT* so we all left early. Perhaps it was for the best anyways, since it was a school night. However, I felt like I wasted my evening (and a cute outfit) getting ready and going out. 

Friday, I met up with friends for dinner. Afterwards, we went for dessert where we had an emotional discussion about trans life. My opinion was in the minority. Reasonable minds can differ, but the whole discussion got me thinking about my life and my future… and dealing with everything right now is just so overwhelming and scary and... well... depressing for me. 

Tonight, I had a family thing in the evening. I had hoped to meet up with everyone afterwards… depending, of course, on what time it ended. After the thingy ended, I drove out to the West side from Monterey Park (instead of going home to the South Bay) to try and see everyone. However, because of logistics and faulty communication, it didn't happen either. Needless to say, based on the way things had been going over the past few days, plus the fact that I felt like a total idiot driving out to the West side, it left me feeling "not so fresh." 

Right now, I have so many conflicting feelings and unanswered questions in life. I just feel so alone and isolated right now… it's so hard to work through these issues. While I have a fabulous therapist, I am the one who has to walk this road… and it's so scary when you're doing it alone. 

I'm not asking for anyone's sympathy… this is just my way of expressing my innermost feelings... and the fact that I feel so alone.   Many may ask "is this girl ever happy?" I guess that when things go well, I don't feel a need to blog very often… it's when the road is much bumpier that I just feel the need to express my feelings.

In looking over my life, I know that I need a serious drama-ectomy... you know, a procedure to remove all of the drama in my life. Will that work? I hope so… although I don't have as much drama as many of my friends. However, energy (and time) spent dealing with drama, whether it be time spent writing pointless emails or going out and being disappointed, is energy not being spent working on me.

To that end, I'm thinking of withdrawing from everything… the online life as well as translife too. It just doesn't seem worthwhile… I mean, I spend so much time trying to connect with people online and in real life… but I still feel so alone in the world as I'm dealing with all of this stuff. I haven't decided what I'd like to do yet… however, if you don't see or hear from me for awhile, you'll know. 

Well, if nothing, at least I have my Bear Bear; he loves me unconditionally and is always there for me.'

I hope everyone has a fantastic Sunday…

Kacee

Bleary eyed channel surfing

It's 2.30am and I should have gone to bed a long time ago.

I mean, I've had a busy day and had a nice evening… I got back home and figured I'd just get into bed and fall asleep.

However, I fell into the same trap as always… channel surfing while in bed. TNT was showing A.I. tonight and its one of those movies that I'll watch if it's on.

If you haven't seen it, it's the story of David, a robot boy, who lives with a human family. He's initially accepted as a member of his new family and bonds emotionally with them, especially the mother. Eventually, problems arise and the mother abandons him in the middle of a forest, mainly because he's an android and can never be a real boy. He spends the rest of the movie looking for "The Blue Fairy" (from Pinocchio) in the hope that she can make him a real boy… so that his mother will love him.

I've never really thought about why this movie always struck a chord with me, but watching it today, I had a revelation. The reason why I like this movie is because I identify with David and his quest for love and affection.

I, like David, have been on a life long quest to find my own personal "Blue Fairy," in the hope that I'll feel loved and accepted.   However, I really don't know what my "Blue Fairy" is or what she'll do, just that I hope she help me find the object of my quest.

Some people will tell me, "Kacee, you don't need to find a 'Blue Fairy' to feel loved." However, I have to disagree since I don't feel it; I still feel lonely, isolated and that I don't fit in with anyone, whether it's with my 'boy life' friends or even my tg friends.  So, until things change, the search continues...

In the end, David eventually finds the Blue Fairy and, more importantly, love and happiness (at least for a little while). . . I just hope that, at the end of my story,  I can find that same happiness and love.

<3  

Kacee