"In the sock drawer of life, sometimes being an orphan sock is kinda lonely"

 

            Tonight, I spent a quiet evening on the couch watching a blu ray of "The Time Traveler's Wife" for the first time.  This movie, in case you haven't seen it, is part of a genre known as 'Rachel McAdams romance movies that always make me cry.'  I managed to hold it together through most of the movie but started to lose it towards the end.  In the final scenes, I just totally lost it.

            Luckily, I was watching the movie on the couch with my Bear Bear, who has soaked up my tears in the past and in the present.. and I'm sure he will soak up many more tears into the future too.  However, being me, I couldn't just bawl my eyes out.... while bawling my eyes out, I was trying to find a way to articulate why I was crying so hard. 

            True, crying was a given since the movie is part of the "Rachel McAdams romance movies that always make my cry' genre.  What I eventually came to realize is that the movie just got me thinking about my life.    

            For starters, it just feels, sometimes that everyone in the world seems to have someone.  I have to admit that, despite the fact that my transition has gone smoothly and wonderfully, I'm very lonely.  While I never have a problem meeting guys and keeping them interested, I have more of a problem keeping them around after having 'the talk' about being transsexed. 

            I don't tell every boy that I meet that I am a transsexual.  Only by dating and getting to know him better will I know whether there's some promise for this relationship.  If I sense a *spark,* only then will I contemplate having 'the talk' with him  What's the use of outing yourself to someone if there's no future for that relationship?

            So far, I've dated two boys who I have had 'the talk' with and, sadly, neither took the news well... which brings me back to the movie.  Watching these sappy romance movies is probably one of the worst things I can do.  A lonely girl watching movies about couples, love and relationships is like pulling your heart out of your chest and smashing it with a mallet <lather, rinse and repeat>.  The only thing the movie underscored is my desire to be in a relationship... to have someone of my own to love me and who I can love back.  I really do hope that, sometime in the future, I will find that true love.

            The other feeling that the movie aroused was the realization how scared I am of the future.... not just in terms of love, but more about life in general.  Nearly 4 years of hormones and 9 months of living full time have been wonderful... but I know not what lies in the future for me.  I am scared about whether I'll find love; I'm scared about leaving my job to find something that I truly love;  I am most scared about trying to achieve happiness in life.

            I realize that the excitement in life comes not from the destination, but the journey.  However, with a course that is uncharted... with an itinerary that is not set... and with a co-pilot's seat that remains unfilled, it's only natural fear and anxiety are frequent visitors to my mind.

            I know that I can't put a time frame on meeting someone special... nor can I allow the fear of the future to paralyze me.  Each day, I wake up and find a way to push forward, without regard to how I feel or my level of confidence.  If I'm having a bad day, I'm able to bury those negative feelings deep.  However, much as in Simpsons "Trash of the Titans" episode.... you can only bury so much trash before it resurfaces in a mass deluge of sludge and ickiness.  If nothing, tonight's movie allowed me to  release these pent up feelings.

            Transition is tough... transition is a challenge.  However, all I can do is try to live my life the best that I can.