Red's Quote

"I find I'm so excited, I can barely sit still or hold a thought in my head. 
I think it's the excitement only a free man can feel, a free man at the start 
of a long journey whose conclusion is uncertain..."

Red from "The Shawshank Redemption"

A few weeks ago, I was thinking about life and my impending transition.  For some reason, I remembered Red's monologue from Shawshank.  True, he was thinking about reuniting with Andy, and not being a transsexual, but the sentiment still remains the same.

I feel the same... I'm so excited about the upcoming journey in front of me.  It's something that I've wanted for so long and finally seems attainable... especially as the last month of life as a male is quickly coming to an end.

<3

Kacee

Moving Forward into the Happy Unknown

I’m back… and, I have to say, BOY AM I BACK!

The last few weeks have been really big for me.  I’ve gotten lazy about blogging of late and really want to try to keep up with it, if nothing, at least to preserve some of the memories of everything I’m going through right now.

As you know, the last few years have really been a struggle for me.  Moving from the depths of depression and contemplating suicide to the woman who I am today; confident, strong and knowing precisely what I want out of life.  However, that being said, I’m still not one to rest on my laurels… for me, life is all about constant improvement.

Even though I’ve made strides in accepting my identity as a transsexual woman, I think back to the GI Joe PSA’s, which used to tell us that ‘knowing is half the battle.’  The rest of the battle, for me, is moving forward and starting to transition.  Exploring my transsexual identity has been an exercise in taking small steps… seeking out a therapist, starting hormones, going full time and (if it works out) having sexual reassignment surgery (SRS).  I’ve known for few years that I wanted to transition, but I’ve been nervous and scared to really move forward with things.  Finally, at long last, I came to the realization that I can no longer split time between living as a man and living as a woman.

On June 24th, I moved beyond the fear and nervousness and retook ownership of my life; I am ready to take that next step in my transition… living full time.  

As a bit of background, I should mention that, for all intents and purposes, I’ve been living full time except at work.  Outside of the office, I’m Kacee, with a large group of wonderful friends, the majority of whom do not know I’m transgendered, and a crazy busy social calendar.  Work, on the other hand, has been more difficult because my office is very conservative.  So, while I enjoyed the fabulousness of Kacee on the weekend, I’ve had to rock the drab boy-ness during the week.  I had once thought that I’d be able to keep my two lives separate.  However, time and acceptance of who I am has caused the divide between Kacee and my boyself to meld together.  The result is that I’m no longer to keep these two aspects of myself separate.  I’ve started to integrate them into just one person… Kacee.

The last few weeks of my life have been a whirlwind.  I came out to my boss on the next day, June 25th, and immediately started to put together a plan for going full time (yeah, I’m a planner girl).  I spent the rest of the week getting my name change paperwork together, as well as making calls to human resources and personnel.  By the 4th of July weekend, I was fully prepared and ready to declare Kacee’s independence from my boyself and spent the week coming out to colleagues and friends alike.  

I’m pleased to tell you that everything has gone unbelievably smoothly.  Everyone that I’ve spoken and come out to has been unbelievably sweet and supportive.... exceeding my wildest expectations.  I know that there will be a few stink bombs out there, the people who doesn’t know how to take the news and act negatively, but I don’t encourage those people to tell me what they think.  

Even though everything has gone wonderfully and smoothly, I can’t tell you, however, that, “if I had known that everyone had been this sweet, that I would’ve transitioned sooner.”  We all have a path in life and we can’t branch off of it unless it’s the right time and place.  Two years ago, when I first started thinking about transitioning, I was not ready to move forward, despite knowing that it was the direction that I wanted to go.  It was important for me to take the time to regroup, find the inner strength and courage and think about how I wanted everything to come together.

After coming out to roughly 50+ people in the last three weeks, I have to admit that I’m just tired physically and emotionally of coming out.  After the 5th or 6th time, it really become repetitive, but I realize that it’s something that I need to do for the people who I care about.  For me, there’s nothing like that ‘personal touch,’ which gives me an opportunity to tell them about myself and my feelings, for close friends and people who need to be ‘in the know.’  I really want them to understand everything that’s involved in transitioning as well as the personal torment that I’ve gone through to find myself at this point.  Transitioning isn’t a choice; it is a necessity for me.

One smirk-worthy thing that I have noticed is that, in the vast majority of the people I’ve spoken to, they all say, “whatever makes you happy.”  I take them at their word and realize that they accept me for who I am at my core and essence, rather than my appearance *because* it makes me happy.  However, in the back of my head, I always equate that with “I think you’re totally effen crazy, and I wouldn’t do anything like that... but, good for you if it makes you happy.”  That being said, I’m so blessed to have friends who realize that I will still be me, no matter what I look like on the outside.  

I’ve chosen August 15th, 2011 for my ‘going full time’ day.  The main symbolism is that 8/15 is the 3rd anniversary of starting hormones.  I have mixed feelings... on one hand, I can’t wait for that day to come soon enough, however, on the other hand, I realize that it means the end of my boy-side.  Since that life, those experiences and memories will always be with me, he will never truly die; much like Kacee has, for the past 30 years, he must now take a back seat in my life.

I have less than a month before showtime and it’s been a crazy preparation time.  From ‘shopping for work clothes’ to filing name change documents, it’s certainly something new every day.  I hope to share more of this joyous experience with you all!

Love,

Kacee

What might have been... or not?

As I rode the bus into work this morning, it stopped at the traffic light on Exposition, directly across from USC.  Waiting for the light to change, I stared across at the campus and thought about my life.

Coming to terms with being transsexual in my thirties, I often wonder how my life would be different if I had been able to understand, realize and come to terms with things much earlier in life.  How much more I would’ve enjoyed prom being able to wear a beautiful gown?  Whether college would not have been the awkward time as a young co-ed that it was for me?  So, for a few seconds, I felt sad; sad realizing that that ship had sailed and how I never would really know; sad, thinking about what might have been. 

“Don’t lament the path behind you because, without it, you would not be where you are today”

On a retreat a few years ago, a Buddhist monk had shared these words of wisdom with me.  While I understood the meaning of what she has been saying at the time, in recent years, I’ve had a chance to live the meaning.

Life has taught me that the ‘what if’s’ can tear you up inside and twist your mind like a pretzel.  What if I known as a teenager? What if I had been born a genetic girl?  What if I had transitioned 10 years ago before starting my job?

While these questions are all valid, they do nothing to help; in fact, they can only serve to torture, making you wish and long for things that you can never have.  The past is the past and can’t be changed, however, without certain experiences, without meeting certain people, without living life, I can honestly say that I would not be the same woman who I am today.

It would have been nice to transition in my teens, but I know that I wasn’t in a place where I could fathom being transsexual nor had the emotional strength to endure all that’s involved.  In short, I would’ve crumbled. 

While the path I’ve taken is a bit longer and windier than I’d prefer, it has been the journey, not the perceived destination, that has given me the strength to be who I am today.   Although I realize that transitioning on the job will be difficult, I hope that my life experiences and maturity will help me overcome this challenge and allow me to flourish.

<3

A Happy Un-Birthday to me

                Yesterday was February 22… in the course of the world, it’s just one of 365 but, for me, it’s an anniversary of sorts.  It was 9 years ago that I first set foot into the world as Kacee.

                When I woke up that morning, I had no idea that I would be starting down the path to where I am today.  Instead, I was going to get a transformation, perhaps go home and take some photos, wash up and go to bed.  However, after my friend Linda finished, she asked if I wanted to go out with her to the Queen Mary, the drag club up in the Valley.  As someone who had only dressed at home, , I jumped at the chance to actually venture out into public.  To be quite honest, I don’t remember much about the club that night, except that I met my friend Kimmie (who I am still great friends with) in the ladies’ room, chatting at the mirror. 

                For years, I had observed February 22^nd as “Kacee’s Birthday,” even incorporating 2/22 into my email address.  However, in recent years, it’s lost some significance for me.  In a life of transition, I’m finding that there are more and more ‘anniversaries’ and special dates to remember.  While February 22^nd represents a ‘first step out’ for me, there are now other dates… the day I started hormones, the day (coming soon) when I’ll be full time and, of course, the day that I will fully transition.

                It wasn’t until 1130pm last night that I really stopped to think about February 22^nd… how it used to be such a big deal for me, but now is just the day that my car’s registration is due.  It did get me thinking, however, about how far I’ve come… from that first day, feeling awkward and out of place to today, when I’m 90% full time and walk the world with poise and confidence, spreading fabulousness to the world. 

Thanks to all of the special people in my life who I’ve met along the way.  In some small (or perhaps large) way, you’ve all contributed and helped me to evolve to the woman you see today.

<3

Coming Out to Dad

Hi everyone... just wanted to give you all an update on the coming out to Dad thing.

Of my immediate family (Mom, Dad, little sister), he was the one that I was least worried about.  We have a good relationship already and, even though coming out to him would show him a totally different side, I don't think our relationship would change.

The evening started out nicely... we got together for dinner and my parents house (Mom is out of town on a trip with her girlies).  My Dad picked up the sushi rolls and I made a yummy Chinese soup.  We ate, we chatted about 'stuff' and eventually finished eating.

Dad and I cleared the table and then started to talk... well, more listening for him and talking for him.  I took him through my entire history... starting off dressing, Southern Comfort and coming to terms and accepting who I am.

My Dad, an engineer, listened carefully and I could tell the gears were turning in his head.  I know he was processing everything I was telling him.... even though he didn't really say anything or have any questions.  Eventually, though, he was supportive.... I mean, a ts child isn't your first choice for your kid's future... but I wanted him to understand how I am who I am... and that this was something I need to do.  

My Dad talked to me about finding inner strength and 'having to be yourself.'  It was refreshing that he was focused on my life... my future... rather than his own concerns.  He also told me that he was not going to be judgmental.  I know my Dad and I love my Dad.... and I felt good coming out to him, knowing that I knew there was no way he was going to take this news badly... and he didn't disappoint me.

On the surface, this may seem like a whole lot of nothing since it was so anticlimactic ... but, for me, this is just another small, but important step in my transition.  Over time, I know he'll be more comfortable about accepting me as his daughter... and that makes me feel just a bit better about things....

Verizon, Can You Hear me Now!?!?!?!?!

I just got back from the Verizon store... and can't believe the depths that they'll go to in order to lose me as a customer!

So presented for your schadenfreude pleasure, my trip to Verizon... in 3 parts

Part 1: PLEASE stare at me like a sexual object!!!!!

I walked into the Verizon store, credit in hand and ready to buy a new phone. As most of you know, I've been researching and debating (nearly to death) which phone I would buy next... a Blackberry from Verizon or the Iphone from AT&T. After talking to many of my friends and, remembering that I'm PC girl, I decided to skip the Iphone in favor of either the Blackberry Tour (new, but flawed) or the Curve (old, but everyone has one!).

My local Verizon store aspires to be high tech and cutting edge, so, upon walking in, we're supposed to sign in on a computer, watch for our name on the screen and wait to be called. I felt lucky, after signing in on the computer, I looked up at the screen and saw “#1. Karine F.”... which was nice considering that there were now 3 names after mine!

“Coolness,” I thought, “I'll be out of here in no time!” 20 minutes and three laps around the store later, I was still first on the list. Curious, I walked over the the sales counter, where I spotted both salesmen flirting with their respective female customers. “Really!?!?!?!,” I thought. Working at a cel phone store, I wouldn't think that they'd need to ask for their cel numbers!

Sitting down on a spinny chair (and spinning around to pass the time), I watched TV on the FIOS screen. Hearing the giggling and flirting was getting on my nerve.... 10 minutes later, I was thinking to myself that this might actually be one of those moments where I wanted to be stared at like a sexual object... at least perhaps they would've called me quicker!

Part 2: The Mindless, Soulless Sales Drone

After what seemed like an eternity of spinning on the chair, drumming my thumbs on the table and seething, a third, previously unseen, guy called my name. I was quite amazed by his zeal and passion for the job by the way he nearly robotically intoned “Kore-inh?” I could tell this guy was a dork of amazing proportions and, short of being able to demonstrate advanced knowledge of Star Trek AND being able to explain the purpose of a 10 sided dice, he probably would be condescending and talking down to me.

I flashed the million dollar smile and corrected him. “My name is Karine, I'm out of contract and looking to upgrade to a new phone. My old phone has horrible reception.... one bar at home... and I want to make sure that I don't get stuck with no connection at home for the next two years. I'm thinking about the Tour, which I know is new, but has problems... or the Curve, which everyone has”

Zombie boy told me that it was probably my house since the coverage map is yellow, ignoring me when I told him that I only have one bar outside of my place too. He refused to match the cheaper online price, telling me that, it costs more to shop in the store because it's a different experience. I decided not to tell him about my experience of waiting for 30 minutes and listening to the lonely salesmen try to make a date with their customers.

When I asked him about testing the phone for 30 days just to make sure my reception was ok, he told me that, it would be totally fine. Although, if I returned the phone, I would be charged $35. I couldn't believe that, if their phone didn't work well, I'd still have to pay the return fee!

Disgusted, I moved on, asking him about the differences between the Tour and the Curve. “The Tour,” he said, showing some enthusiasm for the first time, “is our newest and most advanced Blackberry. You will love it!”

“But,” I interrupted, “aren't there a lot of problems with the Tour right now... like not being able to save applications and data to the memory card?” Telling me that the phone had just been released, he said that these problems were just minor software issues that would be corrected.

lol, not being able to save data to your memory card is just a minor problem!?!?!? I told him that I was worried about having problems... like my friends did with their Storms. And then, he did it... he actually tried to convince me that there weren't any problems with the Storm (contrary to the opinions of ALL of my friends and countless people who posted reviews online). It was irritating, it was annoying... it was exasperating trying to get a real and truthful answer about anything from this guy.

Part 3: Seething and Loathing in Torrance

Looking across the counter, I stared at the phone geek and asked, “please help me understand... you can't sell me a phone for the cheaper online price, I get charged if I have to return the phone because its reception is bad and the Tour, the phone you're trying to sell me, isn't even working right ?”

He didn't answer, but the blank stare on his face told me everything that I needed to know. I couldn't believe that I wasted 45 minutes of my life to talk to this guy and I couldn't believe that one person could be so über (note the use of the umlaut) useless!

As tempting as it was to jump across the counter and shake him like an Etch a Sketch, it wasn't worth breaking a nail over. At a loss for something other than a curse word, I clinched my jaw and said, “this has been a waste of time, you've not told me ANYTHING,” then turned around and walked out.

At this point in time, I'm not quite sure what I'm going to do. I'm not ready to risk PC/MAC compatibility issues with the Iphone or AT&T's shady billing practices. So, I may try to talk to someone competent from Verizon on the phone tomorrow and get better answers. Either way, it just seems like my local Verizon store is going out of their way to start drama with me!

My Manic Monday Morning...

I can’t believe it’s only10am and I’m sooooo ready to go home.  It’s not so much a being tired thingy, but I don’t see this day could have any more twists and turns.

It started out as it always does, waking up to the alarm at 5am.  However, feeling the ‘Manic Monday’ vibes, I hit the snooze alarm and didn’t wake up until about 630am, commonly known to me as ‘uber late!’

Rushing off to catch the bus, things seemed normal, just a bit later in the morning than I’m used to.  However, once on the 110 freeway, the bus started lurching and jerking, reminding me of my ride on the mechanical bull.  By the time we got to the USC bus stop, we had to get off of the bus since the driver had pushed this dying horse as far as it was going to go.

Dejected, we all stepped out from the comfort of our mechanical bull onto the noisy freeway bus stop.  It was mass chaos since no one really knew where to go or what to do.  It was fascinating to watch normally rational people rush onto random MTA buses just to go somewhere other than where they were.  

After about 3-4 random buses passed, I found out that a bus was going in my direction.  Undaunted, but very late, I stepped on with a few other stranded passengers.  Nothing could have prepared me for what I saw next…. A guy who looked like a 70 year old Criss Angel sitting with a huge wheelie suitcase that had a nearly identically dressed female mannequin bungee corded to it.

I couldn’t resist… I had to sit down next to him.  You’ll be proud to know I lasted a full 45 seconds before I said, “ok, so what’s up with this?”

Turning towards me, I saw the geriatric Criss Angel’s long black stringy and greasy hair… and black lipstick that had mostly worn off (I was going to tell him about MAC's lip primer and a rockin' black liner I saw at Sephora, but decided to keep that to myself).  He said, “She’s my wife.  Women nag too much, don’t take care of themselves, get fat and let their bodies go… but she’s different.”  He was too crazy (and sad) for me to get mad at him... so I just responded, "I guess she probably doesn't say too much."

 He proceeded to tell me how he met Clara, his wife, as he was walking into (!!!!!!!!) a lingerie store and was captivated by her eyes.  I have to admit, the cel phone pic of her eyes was pretty… the only problem being that they’re fiberglass!!! 

“So,” I asked him, “how did you take her home?  Did you just walk out with her?  Or buy her?”  He told me that he called KROQ and they helped arrange the marriage but that the exact details were “secret.”  Not wanting to force him to betray any confidences, I let it go.  

He asked me if I wanted to see the wedding ring.  “No thanks, it would just make me feel bad about being single,” I told him.  He told me that they had been married on June 18th, so I had to congratulate him on his wedding.  Lol, since this was a PG-13 bus, I didn’t ask the question everyone was wondering about… whether he had… ummm, BEEN with his wife :)

Right about that time, he started to rearrange his things and Clara almost plummeted into my lap.  Luckily (for her AND me... since I don't want to think about what a black light would show on her!), he caught her, stood up and started wheeling her toward the exit. As he turned the suitcase, I saw that she had smeared black lipstick on her face ..   Recovering from my shock and horror, ‘Have a nice day,’ was the only thing that I could think of saying as he left.

I know… I should’ve left him alone, but I was uber curious about what was going on with him…. and, judging by the comments from everyone else after he got off of the bus,  I could tell that I had entertained the other people on the bus as they were all equally curious, but not quite as forward as I was.

I wished I had taken a few pics on my camera phone, but, continuing the theme of my Manic Monday morning, my cel phone was dead and needed a charge.  However, I’ve found a video of his wedding online (Thanks, Google!!!) from KROQ.  

Anyhow, I don't see how this day could get any stranger.  I wouldn't be shocked if I saw zebras running up Figueroa this afternoon... although I'm sure I'll see my share of obsessed crazy people tomorrow for the MJ funeral.  Well,  just had to share a bit of my morning with ya!