Dusting along the baseboards of the Augean Stable

               This is something that I posted to my regular, non tg/transition blog.  While, in its current form, it's not totally relevant to the issue of transition, I did have some tg life thoughts about it.

                If a friend starts posting anti tg/gay things on their Facebook wall, do you just delete them or do you try to talk to them to see what's going on?  For me, a particularly delicate issue is that I'm living, for the most part, stealth.  In talking to a friend, do I out myself and let them know how hurtful it is?  Or do I just speak in terms of 'my gay or tg friend?"

                I had a similar issue arise recently in a different context... this past weekend, I came out to a friend about being tg.  She told me that she already strongly suspected that for a few reasons, but, also because, at one point, we were talking about how an acquaintance, who claimed he was tg but was, in reality, just an attention whore weirdo.  I had raised the topic in the context of "I have tg friends.. I'm offended because it trivializes the struggle that my friends go through." My friend mentioned that she started to get suspicious because I was a bit too vigorous in my disapproval of what the crazy person was doing.  So, bring us back to my previous point... if you speak to the anti gay/tg person about it, how do you do it in such a way that you don't unintentionally out yourself?

               Hate speech isn't the only type of tiresome Facebook post; what about rah rah tg/gay friends who *ONLY* post things about being gay or tg?  While it's nice to have friends who are dedicated to the community, getting continuous spam on your Facebook wall about everything trans/gay is also annoying?  The decision to delete/talk is even more delicate because they think they're doing something positive to advance the community... and will not understand why you have a problem with it.

                  Anyhow, I really don't have an answer as to how to deal with the people I've just mentioned and the ones in the blog below... but I'd love to hear your thoughts!

               

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                 Today’s question of the hour is, “at what point do I start deleting or dealing with people because of the idiotic rubbish they post on Facebook?” 

                When I cleaned out the Augean Stables a few weeks ago, I got rid of a lot of dead weight, as well as people that I only kept around for ‘bad karma’ purposes (i.e. I wanna see what stupid, ridiculous stuff they say so I can snicker at it).  However, I left a few people on who aren’t really objectionable to me, but seem to relish starting political arguments or spamming the world with their ideology.

               

                I appreciate the fact that, on their own Facebook walls, people are allowed to say what they want (within limits, of course) and that it’s not my job, duty or right to shout them down ***on their own wall.***  A year ago, I had an extremely needy and self righteous acquaintance who felt that she was entitled to go onto *other* people’s Facebook walls and lecture them about the wrongs that they had committed in her eyes.  While I shut her down when she tried that on my page, she didn’t learn her lesson and continued her lecture series on a number of other friends’ walls.  When I called her on that, she blocked me… and, problem solved.  Still I doubt that this person has realized the errors of her ways but, if she doesn’t change, she’s going to lose more people and, eventually won’t have anyone to read her hourly prayer request solicitations (my ‘BINGO!!!’ request would’ve been one for sympathy because someone put the wrong emphasis on the second syllable of Gesundheit after she sneezed).

                I had a (now former) friend who, even though we resided in the same area of the political spectrum, spent her days going through blogs and pages, reposting… every…single… article… about how X, Y and Z were destroying America.  I deleted her (it didn’t hurt that I later learned she was a stark, raving, drama filled lunatic) because, even though it was a more politically compatible message with my views, I just couldn’t handle the crap overload... as well as the “I dare you to disagree with me” trolling that she was doing.  I had another (also now former) acquaintance at the opposite end of the spectrum, who wrote tomes to troll about how A, B, and C were destroying America.  When people dared to disagree with him, he and his cronies would just tee off on the dissent, calling them names, ridiculing them and saying inappropriate things.  While I never got involved in his posts, I was appalled that he allowed this crap to happen on his page and did not put an end to it.  I deleted him (it didn’t hurt that he was creepy).  These two examples are people who are clearly trolls and bullies… and I don’t regret their disappearance from my Facebook universe.

Getting back on topic, the thing about Facebook is that, when people start posting crap on their own walls, it ends up popping up on my news feed.  Don’t get me wrong… I have a few friends that post some political stuff, some funny stuff and some interesting stuff... that’s fine.  I’m thinking more about the political trollers whose posts are always inflammatory and overly opinionated.  Facebook, thankfully, has given me a number of options to effectively deal with these posts.  Which brings me back to my main point... what do I do with Facebook friends who are otherwise nice people, but whose political venom and bias spill out in every post they put online?  Do I hide them?  Do I delete them?  Do I block them? Do I tell them to knock it off?

I, unfortunately, don’t have an answer.  It’s still not my place to tell someone that ‘your posts are at an 11, take it down to a 6,’ so I’m left to make a choice whether I want to sever that friendship or block/hide them, sending them into the Facebook equivalent of “The Sixth Sense” (yeah, we’re friends, but I don’t see you).  None of these options are particularly ideal, but I have to evaluate how irritated I am by their posts versus the value of their friendship. 

Do you all have a universal rule that you follow?  Or is it more of a case by case analysis?  The Facebook friendship of someone who you don’t know hangs in the balance!

Return of the Kacee (cue the Star Wars theme and scrolling text)

Late last week, my fabulous prom date (who, after graduation, had gotten married, later divorced her husband, embraced her lesbian identity and is currently in a relationship with a woman) texted me to ask whether I was going to our 20^th high school reunion.  While I may have received emails in ‘his’ Facebook inbox about the reunion, I really haven’t paid much attention to them.  I mean, why disturb the thin layer of dust thats settled over ‘his’ neglected Facebook account to read them?

Intrigued, I checked and, sure enough, the reunion is set this weekend in our school’s gym.  For the paltry sum of $100, I will be able to dine on the finest foods (maybe) and imbibe freely in the open bar (keeping in mind my tipsy limit of one whopping drink) in the sweaty gross place where I spent many a tortured morning in all campus masses.  (As an aside, have I mentioned that I’m not really Catholic?  Yeah, those weren’t fun.)

As a bit of background, I didn’t attend the 10^th or 15^th reunions because I didn’t care to see the majority of those people.  I have kept in touch with my group of high school friends and, at those gatherings, hear gossip about the others who I have not kept in contact with.  Growing up transgendered, high school was a difficult time for me.  While the teenage me couldn’t comprehend that I was transgendered, I just never felt comfortable in my own skin.  I was the awkward, nerdy Asian boy who played with computers and took the geeky math and science classes.  While I’m sure that it would’ve come in handy had I pursued a career involving math and science (d’oh!), it also meant that I didn’t have much of a social life.  Consequently, while many would consider high school their glory years, for me, it was akin to a 4 year proctological exam administered by Mickey Mouse and his big Mickey mitts.

My initial knee jerk response was that I would only go for bad karma reasons… to see how many times the kids, who used to tease and make fun of me, had been to prison, whether they live in trailer parks, if they clean up after buffalo with digestive problems for a living or if they have fewer teeth in their mouth than an 11 month old infant.  However, while amusing, none of these seemed to be a good enough reason to drop a Ben Franklin and spend an evening at the reunion.

As a result, when my prom date first reminded me of the reunion, the memories of high school didn’t exactly prompt an immediate ‘hell yeah.’  Over the weekend, I’ve had more of an opportunity to think and chat with friends about whether this is something that I’d like to attend.  I mean, going to an all Catholic high school, how would people handle a transsexed Kacee?  Will people relate to me?  Or treat me as an outcast because they think I’m freaky?  Even worse, what about the senior portrait pic on my “Hi! I’m Kacee, really… even though there’s a picture of a boy in the left corner of this name tag” name tag?    

With all of these worries in mind, why would I consider going to the reunion?  I could spend my $100 on a much more fabulous and yummy dinner.  If they’re charging $100 for a dinner in the gym, they better be serving mesquite grilled unicorn drizzled with a chutney made from the fruit from the Tree of Life and Knowledge… but I’m sure it’ll be rubber chicken, soggy vegetables or ‘mystery meat’ meatloaf. 

While reliving the torturous high school years isn’t something that I really want to do, I’m hoping to gain some insight into that awkward boy… and how he became the confident self aware woman I am today.  Second, as the nerdy Asian boy, I really didn’t know a lot of the people who I see trading messages on the reunion chat page; perhaps this is a good chance to get to know some new people.  Third, in light of the difficulties I’ve been having at work with my boss, post transition, perhaps I can meet someone, hit a networking home run and find a shiny new job.  However, the most important reason to go to the reunion is for myself.  As a nerdy Asian boy, I never felt at home at school or in my own body.  This weekend will allow me to retread his steps down the hall and into the gym… this time, in fabulous heels and radiating the wonderful and loving feminine spirit within me. 

Do I know that things will go well?  Will I meet some interesting people?  Will I get to knee one of the jerks who messed with me back then in the groin?  Will they serve mesquite grilled unicorn meat?  While, I don’t know the answers to any of these questions (perhaps, except for the last one)… the main attraction is the adventure of showing up and seeing where it takes me.

Cleaning the Augean Stables...

"When you get bit by a snake, you have to suck out all the poison, that's what I had to do, suck all the poison out of my life."

                                                                                                                -Cady Heron “Mean Girls”

                It’s been awhile since I last posted, but I felt the need to after the last 24 hours.  Nothing bad has really happened to me, but, I’ve come to the realization that I’m surrounded by too much negativity… and it’s starting to drag me down.

                While I’m the happy smiley girl that you know today, I wasn’t always that way.  It took many years for me to find my identity, as well as my zest for life and motivation to succeed.  Going through this process most certainly wasn’t easy, but the end result is that I really do appreciate who I am and the struggle I went through to get here.

                Herein lies my two pronged problem:  I care about people a little bit too much AND needy people always seem to find their way to me.  I don’t quite know what it is… for example, mosquitoes, no matter where I’m at or who I’m with, seem to find me, suck my blood and leave me bruised and full of welts, no matter what type of bug spray I use or how many layers of clothing I wear. 

Needy people also seem drawn to me and eventually leave me emotionally bruised and full of welts.  While I’ve learned to love myself and honor my struggle and past, I still have to learn to set boundaries to keep these emotionally needy people at bay.  If I have $20, I can loan you $5.  However, if I only have $20, I can’t loan you $40.  In monetary terms, I get it… however, in emotional terms, I don’t…. and, thus, end up giving more of myself to others than caring about my own emotional happiness.

This all came to a head last night when I had an argument with an immature and emotionally needy (now former) friend.  While I realized he was always being a selfish and an emotional vampire, I tried my best to help him.  However, no matter how much I tried to give helpful advice and care, he resisted and ended up making himself more unhappy.  Despite the fact that he was always asking for my advice for every little thing, when I gave it yesterday, he replied with a ‘who asked you?’  While the short answer is, “you, IDIOT!” the longer answer involves knowing when call it quits… which is where Cady’s quote comes into play.

Last night was a teaching moment for me.  Although I realize that I tend to give too much of myself to others, the exchange with this drama queen gave me some clarity on the situation.  I realize that I have been bitten by the ‘needy people snakes…’ and that their venom is making me unhappy.  Last week, I was talking to a colleague, telling him about my weekend.  His only response to me was, “Karine, you need to spend time around happy people… these people are not happy.”  While it seems like an oversimplification of things, he’s 1,001% correct.  Not it’s a matter of ‘sucking the poison out of my life.’

To be happy, you must surround yourself with happy people.  While this isn’t a new idea (“Think and Grow Rich” and a multitude of positive thinking books espouse this), it’s something that I just needed to hear in order to start comprehending it and, more importantly, applying it to my life.

As an aside, do you remember Hercules’ labors?  (Break out that Edith Hamilton!) Hercules was commanded to complete 12 labors in order to make up for murdering his family (oops!).  These labors were all thought to be so difficult, that they were impossible.  King Augeas, who had more cattle than anyone in Greece, housed his herd, including bulls, goats, sheep and horses, in the Augean Stables, which had never been emptied nor cleaned.  Hercules’ 5^th labor was to clean out the Augean stables.  He managed to complete this feat in one day, ripping a hole in the front and back of the stables, then rerouting the Alpheus and Peneus rivers through the stables to wash away all of the crud and crap.

Much like Hercules, I cleaned out the Augean stables known as my Facebook profile.  Over time, much muck, crap and dead weight has accumulated and, in ‘sucking out the poison,’ I finally eliminated many of those who were negative clouds or just dead weight in my life.  While some may be bothered or hurt by my stable cleansing, it’s a necessary step in finding a better, happier existence for me.

It’s a gradual process, but I need to consciously recognize that being a good friend doesn’t mean letting someone drain the life out of me.  I will be there for you, but I cannot do it for you…. Or, more plainly, I will be your cheerleader, but I can’t be BOTH your cheerleader and quarterback!

"In the sock drawer of life, sometimes being an orphan sock is kinda lonely"

 

            Tonight, I spent a quiet evening on the couch watching a blu ray of "The Time Traveler's Wife" for the first time.  This movie, in case you haven't seen it, is part of a genre known as 'Rachel McAdams romance movies that always make me cry.'  I managed to hold it together through most of the movie but started to lose it towards the end.  In the final scenes, I just totally lost it.

            Luckily, I was watching the movie on the couch with my Bear Bear, who has soaked up my tears in the past and in the present.. and I'm sure he will soak up many more tears into the future too.  However, being me, I couldn't just bawl my eyes out.... while bawling my eyes out, I was trying to find a way to articulate why I was crying so hard. 

            True, crying was a given since the movie is part of the "Rachel McAdams romance movies that always make my cry' genre.  What I eventually came to realize is that the movie just got me thinking about my life.    

            For starters, it just feels, sometimes that everyone in the world seems to have someone.  I have to admit that, despite the fact that my transition has gone smoothly and wonderfully, I'm very lonely.  While I never have a problem meeting guys and keeping them interested, I have more of a problem keeping them around after having 'the talk' about being transsexed. 

            I don't tell every boy that I meet that I am a transsexual.  Only by dating and getting to know him better will I know whether there's some promise for this relationship.  If I sense a *spark,* only then will I contemplate having 'the talk' with him  What's the use of outing yourself to someone if there's no future for that relationship?

            So far, I've dated two boys who I have had 'the talk' with and, sadly, neither took the news well... which brings me back to the movie.  Watching these sappy romance movies is probably one of the worst things I can do.  A lonely girl watching movies about couples, love and relationships is like pulling your heart out of your chest and smashing it with a mallet <lather, rinse and repeat>.  The only thing the movie underscored is my desire to be in a relationship... to have someone of my own to love me and who I can love back.  I really do hope that, sometime in the future, I will find that true love.

            The other feeling that the movie aroused was the realization how scared I am of the future.... not just in terms of love, but more about life in general.  Nearly 4 years of hormones and 9 months of living full time have been wonderful... but I know not what lies in the future for me.  I am scared about whether I'll find love; I'm scared about leaving my job to find something that I truly love;  I am most scared about trying to achieve happiness in life.

            I realize that the excitement in life comes not from the destination, but the journey.  However, with a course that is uncharted... with an itinerary that is not set... and with a co-pilot's seat that remains unfilled, it's only natural fear and anxiety are frequent visitors to my mind.

            I know that I can't put a time frame on meeting someone special... nor can I allow the fear of the future to paralyze me.  Each day, I wake up and find a way to push forward, without regard to how I feel or my level of confidence.  If I'm having a bad day, I'm able to bury those negative feelings deep.  However, much as in Simpsons "Trash of the Titans" episode.... you can only bury so much trash before it resurfaces in a mass deluge of sludge and ickiness.  If nothing, tonight's movie allowed me to  release these pent up feelings.

            Transition is tough... transition is a challenge.  However, all I can do is try to live my life the best that I can.

"Things may not turn out the way you planned... they may turn out better"

 I had published this on my stealth blogs, so I didn't mention the tg angle about what I had hoped and dreamed of as a little boy and how things have turned out, but, I think that you'll all be able to pick it up :)

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For anyone who has ever tried to plan an outing with me, you know that I really like to have a plan in place.  However, while I always stress the importance of having some sort of plan or purpose, I’m not set on following the plan in precise detail.  Rather, for me, I see the plan as sort of a backup, in case fun, spontaneous things fail to materialize.

Why have I spent the last hour or so pondering this quote?  Earlier this evening, I saw “The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel,” in which one of the main characters expressed this thought (or something to that effect) at the end of the film.  As I walked out of the theater, wandered through the labyrinth that the Century City Mall calls its ‘parking lot,’ and drove home, I started to think about my day (and weekend), realizing that it had not gone according to plan but turned out far better than I could’ve hoped.

Saturday, I had either planned to leave Faire early (and relax on the couch) or very late (staying for a later event in the evening).  However, Sunday evening, as things wound down for the day, friends invited me to join them for dinner in the area.  The result?  I discovered a yummy (and interesting... Indian AND Mexican food under one roof?) and had a chance to get to know some wonderful friends even better.

This morning, I woke up and decided to try and find Kings’ tix for tonight’s game, then meet a friend for a quick dinner before heading home.  However, when that fell through, I went to Universal Studios to preview the Transformers ride (3 TIMES!!!) and got to spend the entire afternoon with one of my dear friends shopping and at happy hour and..... seeing “The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel” instead of “The Avengers” (which sold out).  Sure, I didn’t see my Kings sweep the Blues and move onto the next round of the playoffs, but I still was able to listen to the game on my phone at Universal (and saved about $100+ on a ticket to boot!).  More importantly, my friend (who is like a sister to me) and I had a chance to catch up on the goings on in our lives (over drinks... very important!!!), to giggle, chat and gawk at pretty shiny things... and to see a movie that we both agree was far more enjoyable and touching than super heroes and explosions.  Quite honestly, while my plan A wouldn’t have been bad, my plan B was far more wonderful than I can describe.  

However, the notion of “Things may not turn out the way you planned... they may turn out better” doesn’t just apply to my day, it applies to my life.  As a child, I could not have imaged that I would be the fabulous and driven woman that you all know (and hopefully love) today.  The Little Me imagined that, by now, I would be married with two kids (my daughter Madison and my son Steven), living a 4 bedroom house a few blocks from the beach, have a Beagle named Max and work as a doctor (or an astronaut).  Taking inventory of my life today, I’m still single, sleep with a teddy bear named Bear Bear and work as an attorney for the County.... in essence, none of what I dreamed as a child has come to pass.

Does this mean that I’m a failure?  Or that I’m leading a miserable existence today?  While my life today isn’t perfect (and I’m sure that I’ve complained to a few of you about some of those imperfections), it’s far richer and meaningful than Little Me could’ve ever imagined.  I firmly believe that Little Me, knowing the struggles, adversity and pain that I have overcome and the friendships, relationships and experiences that I have (or had), would be so proud of Me today (especially after seeing my Hello Kitty and fabulous shoe collections).  However, that being said, Little Me would probably like to see me dating or married... or at least sleeping with something other than a fluffy teddy bear...... which actually brings to mind another fun quote from the movie...

“I’m single by choice.... just not my choice”

I certainly need to work on that... but that’s another blog for another day.

PS.  If you haven't seen it, I'd highly recommend "The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel"

Happy Sorta Birthday to Me!

Hi everyone....

The blog window thingy tells me that the last time I posted something was back in November.... wow!

Life's been good...... I've been full time for 6 months now (as of 2/15) and I honestly can't remember what life was like before it.  One of my ts friends told me that she felt a 'wave of emotion' one day... and that's what let her know that transition is something that was right for her.  For me, I haven't had any tidal waves of emotion... more like tiny little waves lapping at my toes, reassuring me that I'm on the right path.  Even if I don't ever experience that tidal wave, I know that I made the right choice.... I couldn't ever imagine going back to living as a boy again... there's just so much about living female that feels so right and natural to me.

December, I had another rite of passage..... I donated all of *his* clothes.  It was just hanging in the closet, taking up space, and I knew I that I will never wear them again.  It was kinda strange, actually... a lifetime of clothes, moved to a corner of my garage, then piled into my car to be donated.  Although I could've given them to Goodwill, a tg friend told me about a GLBT friendly recovery house in Hollywood..... so, hopefully they can make use of *his* clothes... and some of my older *her* clothes too.

Familywise, I know that I'm much closer to my parents than I was before.  My parents both embrace and love me... and have already regendered me..... and, although my Mom sometimes slips up with my name, she always corrects herself.  My sister, on the other hand, is still the same.... I'm disappointed that I still have not had an opportunity to spend time with my (now 20 month old) niece.... I do hope that my sister will come around someday.... however, I have to live for myself and not to make her happy.

So, the birthday thingy..... it was 10 years ago tonight that I first ventured out as Kacee.  While I dressed up lots as a child, and even had a few transformations done, 2/22/02 was the night when I left the confines of my house and went out to the Queen Mary (drag club in North Hollywood)..... I can't believe it's been one decade since I started this journey, but acknowledge the progress I've made... in terms of finding myself, of loving myself, finding my confidence and making a choice to live the life that I want to live.  I truly am a different person..... and, although the road to this point has been bumpy, it has all been worth it.

I know not what the next 10 years (and beyond) hold for me... however, if the past 6 months are any indication, I can't wait to see what's coming up next!

<3

Kacee

Day 100 (give or take a few)

Hi everyone...

I would like to apologize for not getting back sooner.... I've wanted to get back and blog, but have just been thinking about the different things I need to talk about before I can tell you all about what's new with me.  The failed romances...Coming out to my extended family... so many conflicts with people... and work going well.

Even though it's only been 100 days, I have to say that I can't look back.  I mean, even though he's been me for the last 30+ years, I can't remember living as "him".... I only see myself as Kacee.  And, a few of my friends and colleagues even told me that they don't remember 'him' either.  This is how I know I'm moving in the right direction.


However, on this Thanksgiving Day (at least here in the States), I wanted to let you know that everything is going well.... really good!  My journey continues but, as the poem says, "I have miles to go before I sleep... miles to go before I sleep."

Even today, I have a new milestone..... my extended family (Aunts, Uncles and Cousins) are going to meet me as Kacee for the first time.  My Mom (who has been a total sweetheart, for the most part) has made it easier by having the 'pre Kacee showing up chat' with them.... so they're all 'in the know.'' however, more importantly, they're all loving and accepting of me... whether I'm "him"... or ME.  I can't wait (although I need to finish getting ready and making a salad to bring ASAP!)

I'm so thankful for all of my wonderful, supportive and loving friends and family.  While having a loving support network isn't a prerequisite for transitioning, I know it makes it so much incredibly easier.

Thanks so much for reading... and for being loving and supportive.  Have a wonderful Thanksgiving!!! 

You all rock!

<3

Kacee