Happy Sorta Birthday to Me!

Hi everyone....

The blog window thingy tells me that the last time I posted something was back in November.... wow!

Life's been good...... I've been full time for 6 months now (as of 2/15) and I honestly can't remember what life was like before it.  One of my ts friends told me that she felt a 'wave of emotion' one day... and that's what let her know that transition is something that was right for her.  For me, I haven't had any tidal waves of emotion... more like tiny little waves lapping at my toes, reassuring me that I'm on the right path.  Even if I don't ever experience that tidal wave, I know that I made the right choice.... I couldn't ever imagine going back to living as a boy again... there's just so much about living female that feels so right and natural to me.

December, I had another rite of passage..... I donated all of *his* clothes.  It was just hanging in the closet, taking up space, and I knew I that I will never wear them again.  It was kinda strange, actually... a lifetime of clothes, moved to a corner of my garage, then piled into my car to be donated.  Although I could've given them to Goodwill, a tg friend told me about a GLBT friendly recovery house in Hollywood..... so, hopefully they can make use of *his* clothes... and some of my older *her* clothes too.

Familywise, I know that I'm much closer to my parents than I was before.  My parents both embrace and love me... and have already regendered me..... and, although my Mom sometimes slips up with my name, she always corrects herself.  My sister, on the other hand, is still the same.... I'm disappointed that I still have not had an opportunity to spend time with my (now 20 month old) niece.... I do hope that my sister will come around someday.... however, I have to live for myself and not to make her happy.

So, the birthday thingy..... it was 10 years ago tonight that I first ventured out as Kacee.  While I dressed up lots as a child, and even had a few transformations done, 2/22/02 was the night when I left the confines of my house and went out to the Queen Mary (drag club in North Hollywood)..... I can't believe it's been one decade since I started this journey, but acknowledge the progress I've made... in terms of finding myself, of loving myself, finding my confidence and making a choice to live the life that I want to live.  I truly am a different person..... and, although the road to this point has been bumpy, it has all been worth it.

I know not what the next 10 years (and beyond) hold for me... however, if the past 6 months are any indication, I can't wait to see what's coming up next!

<3

Kacee

Day 100 (give or take a few)

Hi everyone...

I would like to apologize for not getting back sooner.... I've wanted to get back and blog, but have just been thinking about the different things I need to talk about before I can tell you all about what's new with me.  The failed romances...Coming out to my extended family... so many conflicts with people... and work going well.

Even though it's only been 100 days, I have to say that I can't look back.  I mean, even though he's been me for the last 30+ years, I can't remember living as "him".... I only see myself as Kacee.  And, a few of my friends and colleagues even told me that they don't remember 'him' either.  This is how I know I'm moving in the right direction.


However, on this Thanksgiving Day (at least here in the States), I wanted to let you know that everything is going well.... really good!  My journey continues but, as the poem says, "I have miles to go before I sleep... miles to go before I sleep."

Even today, I have a new milestone..... my extended family (Aunts, Uncles and Cousins) are going to meet me as Kacee for the first time.  My Mom (who has been a total sweetheart, for the most part) has made it easier by having the 'pre Kacee showing up chat' with them.... so they're all 'in the know.'' however, more importantly, they're all loving and accepting of me... whether I'm "him"... or ME.  I can't wait (although I need to finish getting ready and making a salad to bring ASAP!)

I'm so thankful for all of my wonderful, supportive and loving friends and family.  While having a loving support network isn't a prerequisite for transitioning, I know it makes it so much incredibly easier.

Thanks so much for reading... and for being loving and supportive.  Have a wonderful Thanksgiving!!! 

You all rock!

<3

Kacee

My Knight In Shining Armor... or the Black Knight?

As a 37 year old woman, I face many of the difficulties that genetic women do when it comes to dating.  I realize that 37 is no longer the spring chicken, but I feel lucky that most couldn’t guess my age... I look and feel much younger!  Dating is another challenge.  As a boy, I never really felt right taking the initiative, asking out a woman and being ‘the man’ on the date.

In the past few years, I’ve started dating as a woman… and, since I’ve started, I’ve gained a great deal of experience in dealing with men (which is ironic, considering I was born one).  For starters, dating as a woman just feels natural; I don’t have any of that awkwardness I used to feel dating women as a man.  Getting ready for a date, making myself look beautiful and hoping that my guy will appreciate it, just feels right.  On the date, I also bring my world of dating experience, looking for things that I would’ve done for my date… like opening doors, paying compliments and being a gentleman… and wondering if they will be done for me.

Whether I knew how be a gentleman and treat women as *I* wanted to be treated or if guy’s just don’t know how to treat women, most, if not all, of the guys that I’ve dated have eventually gone into the ‘discard’ pile.

The last 3 weeks, on the other hand, have been completely different.  I met a  Roger on an online dating site.  On paper, things looked good… he is 6’4” (tall enough for my 5’10” frame plus heels), he is a professional photographer (I love photography, from both sides of the camera), he is mature, has life experience and knows how to treat a lady.  On our dates, he makes me feel loved, lusted after, protected and cherished.  In essence, he is *everything* that I can ask for in a guy.

Of course my little slice of perfection is missing an ingredient… he doesn’t know that I am a transsexual.  As an aside, my policy, when dating, is that I do not tell my date about my personal history unless I’m sure that there’s serious dating potential’  Why out myself to every straight guy out there if I don’t even know if there’s anything between us.  If I feel that connection, or something special between us, then and only then will I tell them about my past.  Before Roger, no other man that I’ve dated ever went past the ‘seeing if there’s a spark’ stage; the others always provided me with some reason to know that they would not work.

Roger, on the other hand, is perfect…. He’s the first guy that I’ve dated who truly makes me happy and treats me wonderfully.  If things continued as they are now, he is someone that I could marry, start a family and grow old with.  However, as I’ve mentioned, the biggest hurdle to my perfect life is that Roger doesn’t know that I am TG.

For the past few weeks, I’ve been laboring over and trying to decide whether I needed to tell Roger.  While we have so much in common, I still can’t say that I feel a romantic love for him.  Herein lies my ‘chicken versus egg’ quandary.  Do I not feel that ‘romantic love’’ with him because of the uncertainty of how he would react once he found out that I am tg?  Or, is my lack of a romantic spark due to a lack of romantic feelings toward him?

In the last week and a half, I’ve been trying to figure out the best way to broach this topic with him.  I thought about telling him about a close tg friend of mine, to see if Roger would give me some insight into how he feels about transwomen.

           Last night, Roger and I were using instant messenger to chat.  I told him that, while I’m a happy and fun woman, that I wasn’t always this way.  That, in the past few years, I’ve undergone a lot of personal growth and gained life experience that has made me the woman that I am today.  While I didn’t tell him about my past, I was trying to ‘set the table’ so that we could have that chat.

However, what he told me caused me more concern about how he would react.  He said that, ‘as long as you don’t tell me you used to be a man, we’re good!!!’  He went on to say that he wasn’t a woman before but that it’s possible he could’ve been one in a past life.  I was awestruck, I was stunned, I was confused.... one of the most difficult parts of using instant messaging is that you can’t always tell what someone means when they type something since we don’t have those visual cues... no facial expressions, no wry grins, no winks, etc.

Which leaves me where I am this morning.  He’s asked me to go with him to a friend’s Labor Day Barbecue.  While I’d love to go, his words from last night haunt me.  Was he serious?  Was he just trying to be funny?  I have to admit, this has all given me pause... I mean, if he’s serious, then this is a total deal breaker.  No matter how much he professes to love me and want to be in my life, who knows how he will handle the news?  Or, will his affection and feelings for me change that?

As of right now, I don’t have a good solution or answer to this problem.  He’s been texting me this morning, asking if I wanted to go to the barbecue today.  I’ve managed to put that on the back burner, telling him I was tired.

Where it stands right now is that I told him I’m going to go shopping this afternoon and will probably nibble on something.  Although I hope he would never hurt me (he has martial arts training), I can’t really say for sure how he will react to the news I’m ts.  I’ve selected a casual restaurant with lots of seats.  I don’t know how he will take it, but I can only hope for the best.   I do have feelings for him but, if it’s not in the cards, I need to let it go before either he or I get too attached.

Sometimes, it’s not easy being me... it’s not easy being TG.  I’m not asking for sympathy, but this is one plight that we passable girls face... oftentimes, people don’t know which means that we have to have “The Talk.”

This will be my first “Talk” and I hope it works out well...

.  

What's in my pants? Um... yeah, none of your effen business!

                My therapist and I had an interesting chat today about how people, whether they intend to or not, feel entitled to ask questions that they wouldn't want asked of them.

                In coming out and having countless chats with friends and colleagues, I've noticed that some people feel entitled to ask about my body (and especially my genitals) and what my plans are for them.  I know that they don't ask to be harassing or mean spirited.  However, when you think about it, my transition is my transition... it's a personal thing and my body (and its status) is also my own business.  I mean, how would people respond if I walked up and asked "how's your vagina this morning?"  or "literally, how's *it* hanging today?"

                Suffice to say, people would be shocked and appalled that I was asking about something so personal.. however, when it comes to me, as a transsexual, people seem to think that it's an open topic.  Perhaps I lull people into a false sense of security when being open about my transition, but they need to realize that there are limits to being open. 

               

                People need to realize that, for me, it's not so much about having a vagina.. or not.  While surgery is a distinct possibility later down the road, for me, it's about living the life that I want to live... to be me.. to be Kacee.  I mean, unless I decide to move to a nudist society, my body is fairly irrelevant. 

                However, what's inappropriate?  Clearly, it's too much if someone asks, "so whatcha gonna do with your penis?" However, what if I'm asked "are you going to have surgery?"  This is the fine line that I walk.. I mean, if asked the surgery question, I'm willing to answer 'perhaps?  probably?'.... but, is this telling them more than they need to know?   I mean, they're asking politely and generally but, in the end, asking the same question, albeit in a more tactful way.

     Unfortunately, I don't have a good answer for this.  I know what I've been doing, but just wonder if I'm still being too open.  Ultimately, the answer is that, first and foremost, I need to embrace this as *my* transition and realize that I am in control, telling people what I want to tell them, and not a peep more than that.  While, for the most part, I don't mind talking about my body, it's more the principal behind it.... don't be asking questions you wouldn't want asked of you. 

Lunch...

As week #2 of full time is quickly coming to end, I have to tell you the same thing I said after day #1… it’s been really uneventful.

However, today, I really felt good… I was at the store yesterday and picked up the cutest dark gray houndstooth slacks and paired it, today, with an eggplant sleeveless top and my new black patent booties.  At lunch, I went to a food court Downtown, tried out a new restaurant and sat quietly with my phone and headphones.

Surrounded by all of the other office workers, I enjoyed a yummy lunch and had one thought come to mind… ‘this *is* how it should be.’

At the moment, it hit me…. I get to be *ME* to the world… me, not he… but **ME**, the happy, beautiful tall Asian girl… just rocking it.  There’s no need to live that dual life anymore….and, despite all that I’ve been through in making the transition, this is truly what it’s all about. 

Since then, I just have this peace… this calm in my soul… and it’s a feeling so wonderful that I can’t even explain it.  Suffice to say that it’s somewhere between bliss, between joyful tears and as close to feeling ‘in love’ as I’ve felt.

I hope that this feeling will never fade… only get intensify and get better!

    

My first day...

Hi everyone,

     My first official day of being full time has come and gone.  I have to say that, while it was so wonderful being me on the commute and at work, for the most part, it was a very uneventful day.

     I actually arrived at work early that day (which is quite a change from the usual 'wake up, turn off alarm, fall back asleep' pattern I normally follow) and got comfortable in my office.  As they stumbled in from the weekend, one by one, my colleagues came into my office to welcome and compliment me.  Even my boss stopped in, offered her hand and, when I shook it, said, "Welcome to the first day of the rest of your life."

     I loved my outfit... an eggplant bandage dress with my new chocolate brown Cole Haan pumps... and a new Amrita Singh gold braid necklace.

     Everyone at work has been so incredibly sweet and supportive.... everyone has been really good about calling me Kacee... and, while I wish I had done it sooner, I know that it had to happen organically in it's own time... and I was not ready a few years ago.

     It is a bit of an adjustment, as you might have guessed.  Dress shoes and heels are much much less comfy than the Rockport loafers I used to wear... and I've been picking out (and trying out) my outfits the night before, as opposed to 1) finding clean shirt, 2) selecting matching slacks, 3) picking out a coordinated tie.. .all in about 3 minutes in the morning.

     However, if there's something that I've always prided myself on, it's being able to adjust and adapt.  Despite being 'pretty much full time' for the last 2 years, doing it for reals, day after day, is different.  I'm only on day #3 right now... I'm sure that it'll get easier and I'll fall into the swing of things.  A successful transition is something that I will not give up on... so I just have to stick it out until it becomes routine.  And, that's a matter of changing the habits that were learned through thirty seven years of "his" life and learning new habits part of *my* life

<3

Kacee

My Oh-So-Stealthy Post to my unknowing friends

 Hi everyone... the vast majority of my friends don't know that I'm tg.  

Today is the official first day of being full time, so, to mark the occasion, I posted this to my online profile for both my knowing and unknowing friends.  Of course, since you know about me, this does add a new wrinkle on the blog, doesn't it?

<3

Kacee

=============================================================================

Hi peeps, today starts the Kacee 365 project, in which I am making a conscious effort, in the next year, to live my life on my terms and to be the woman who I want to be.

The easy part is that my life isn’t out of control, by any stretch of the imagination.  However, there are areas that I’ve wanted, for so long, to improve upon.  This project is the springboard upon which I’m going to start taking action and making those positive changes in my life.

First and foremost, my goal is to be *ME*.  Don’t worry, you haven’t been spending time with Sybil, my split personality twin… but, my main goal is to embrace who I am and move forward with a ‘take no prisoners’ type of spirit.  I am a firm believer of the Japanese notion of ‘kaizen,’ which is a process of continual improvement… to never be ‘comfortable’ or content with the ‘good enough’ in the status quo.  For the past few years, I’ve lived my life, but was more tentative about moving out of my comfort zone and making those necessary changes.  I’ve decided that today is a birth of the new and improved Kacee 3.0.

My second goal is to avoid drama.  While I don’t go out of my way looking for drama, for some reason, it seems to stalk me, like a lion chasing down its prey.  I can no longer tolerate people who cause drama in my life… people who are energy vampires… or people who aren’t rooting for me to accomplish my goals.  From now on, I will make more of a concerted effort to avoid the Eeyores, the leeches and the back stabbers… at all costs. 

My third goal is to rededicate myself to achieving my body goals.  While I’m not morbidly obese or even out of shape, I want to achieve more with my body.  Through good eating, exercise or any other means, I want to achieve the body that I have desire and always dreamed of.    Plus, I know that, as I get older, it’s going to be more difficult to achieve that body too.

The Kacee 365 Project is something that I’m creating which means I set the rules.  You won’t see me post pictures of cats doing idiotic things or begging for prayers… this is my own project for self improvement.  I may update you all, from time to time, if you’re interested… but, in truth, it’s all about motivating *myself* to achieve the goals I’ve always wanted… and to be at that place in life where I long to be.    

<3  

Kacee

PS.  (Just so you know I’m not a totally different Kacee… I’m marking today with a beautiful eggplant bandage dress, my new chocolate brown Cole Haan pumps and a shiny Amrita Singh gold braid necklace.... nothing Hello Kitty, but the day is young)