Anyhow, I walked out and had to tell someone, but its one of those thingies that so hard to explain without sounding like a total dork. I mean, its kinda like 'well, duh genius, of course its you.' I told Jakie and I think she understood what I was talking about… whether she did or not, she did the right thing for me… she smiled and gave me a big hug … which, for just a brief moment, made me forget about everything else in the world except for the girl in the mirror… ME!!!!!!!!Hi everyone… its been long enough, so I guess I should stop by my little Internet confessional.

As for the title, I'll get there eventually. For most of you who know me, you know that the main thing that I've been obsessing about is figuring out my place in the universe. I mean, I exist on two different levels… the regular 9-5 'during the week' boy life existence and the 'every other moment of my life' Karine existence. The hard part has been trying to strike a healthy balance between the two… while trying not to go utterly insane. I had thought that I was doing a pretty good job keeping things totally separate however, recently, it just feels like the line between the two is blurring… and its just becoming harder to do the 9-5 'during the week' thingy. Should Kacee be an 'every moment of my life' thing? Or should I squelch her? Or do I keep doing the juggling thing?

The really uplifting thingy about it is that, in talking to people, I've realized what a wonderful support base of friends that I really do have. Even though (at this point in time) its only Kacee's friends, its so comforting to know that, no matter what I do or decide, I know that they're always there for me. Everyone so far has been very 'rah rah' and telling me to 'let them know if they can help' about things … and that gives me a warm mushy feeling inside.

So…. To help me figure things out, I'm starting therapy on Thursday. I realize its not the golden ticket to bliss (or a fantabulous chocolate factory run by singing Oompa Loompas) but hopefully it'll give me an opportunity to sort things out. Its also a bit of a sacrifice… I mean, there will be countless hours of driving up to West LA (giving me plenty of car karaoke time) and lots of money spent (meaning fewer trips to Rampage and BeBe), but I suppose you can't put a price on enlightenment, right?

I have to say, that I'm feeling sooo nervous about the appointment this Thursday. I really don't know what to expect or how to feel…and, to be totally honest, I'm just so scared of what I'll learn. I mean, if I'm meant be make the Kacee thingy an everyday thingy, that doesn't mean I HAVE to do it… but, then again, its about being myself and being happy. And, if she's to be in the spotlight full time, I know there will be professional as well as family and friends issues too… but I guess I can only hike one mountain at a time, right?

That being said, I have to say that I had the most fantabulous of weekends. And the best part of it is that it didn't involve being jostled, bumped or listening to loud obnoxious music at the clubs. I spent the weekend up in Hollywood hanging out with friends, just doing fun stuff… and there was something just so refreshing about it. I mean, it wasn't the normal clubby thing … it was just so relaxed, sitting around (of course with booze and good food) and just chatting. . . but, OMG, after a weekend of 3-4am days, I'm totally exhausted… and its only Monday morning right now

Yesterday, I went to a support group for tg's with a few friends. Evidently the normal moderator was out, so they had someone else keeping her chair warm. The group itself was interesting… a mix of older tg's and (as they called us) "the younger ones." In listening to the discussion, I did notice a serious generation gap. . . in that the older tg's felt that there was some set pattern or formula you had to follow in your tranny development… and I don't think that any of us 'younger ones' believed that.

At some point, the discussion turned to 'clubs for trannies to go to' which I thought was fairly interesting since 1) everyone there had evolved beyond the tranny scene and 2) it was (unbeknownst to me at the time) the same discussion that pops up every week. Oh, and the group also was a test of my willpower since Jakie sat down next to me with a huge cookie… that I was soooo trying not to nibble off of.

However, it wasn't until afterwards that I really had one of those moments. After the group ended, some of us met at El Chavo on Sunset for margaritas. While its always wonderful to be out with the girls, its always so much more wonderful with drinks (and, being a lightweight, it doesn't take much for things to get 'much more wonderful' for me quick) and a big plate of yummy nachos. Over time, we had such a nice time chatting about the mysteries of our own lives … with lots of giggles to boot.

Now, the blog title . . . After the first margarita, I walked into the ladies' room to fix my makeup. The only light in the restroom was a red light above the sink which reflected in a mirror. Perhaps it was the lighting (or the margarita), but the strange thing was that, from the first moment that I saw her, I was fixated on the girl that I saw staring back at me in the mirror. . . I don't mean anything like I was falling in love with myself or anything like that, but I saw ME (!!!!).

Normally, we all look into a mirror and, without thinking about it, you know that its you. As a tg, I normally look in the mirror and see my twin brother… and recognize him as me. On the weekends, I've seen Kacee staring back at me in the mirror countless times. On an intellectual level, I know that I'm looking at myself, but, before that moment, I had never really looked deeply into the mirror and, after seeing her, felt and knew, on an emotional level, that 'that's me!"

I'm sure there's plenty of other stuff for me to say…. But, at this point in time, I'm just going to leave it at that and let u see the pic. . . Love, Kacee

The Many Moods of Kacee

Hi everyone, well, enough time has passed that I've felt sufficiently guilty about not posting another blog. It's a Friday night and I'm snuggled up in bed, lit by the glow of my laptop, a nice warm bag of microwave popcorn… and the DVD of "The Grudge 2." I'm sure its not one of the Oscar contenders, but I've had it for two weeks and it soooo needs to go back to Netflix. Anyway, I don't really have one big topic to chatter on endlessly about, so this'll be more of a stream of consciousness thing.

First, I wanted to thank everyone for their nice and supportive comments and the emails after my last blog. I don't want people to think that I was writing that blog while sitting in my bathroom with a shotgun in one hand and a bottle of Jack Daniels in the other (because then I'd have to have at least 4 hands… and I don't have enough accessories for that!). Seriously, though, I had been going through some rough times and just went through a particularly rough evening at the club. Things aren't back to normal yet… and I'm guessing they won't be until I discover my bliss (whatever it turns out to be).

Second… my 4th TG birthday is coming up next week! I can't believe that its already been four whole years since I first started going out! Looking back, I don't think that I could have possibly imagined all of the wonderful friends and terrific things that I've been able to do. Anyway, I haven't made any special plans, but hopefully I'll be able to go out on the weekend with the girls!

Third, clubs… still not a super big fan of them. I mean, I go through all of the effort to vamp it up… find the right outfit and go to the club. After battling with the rest of LA to find parking and paying the cover to get in, all I really have to look forward to is a few drinks, blaring music, and some unfriendly people. I like to chat with people but am often pretty shy about just wandering up and talking to random people . . . and it seems that most people at the clubs are too caught up in their own world to be sociable. I guess I need to find the right club or gathering and, at that point, I might start to have a little fun.

Its 1215am (and 40 minutes into the movie) and I've decided that the Grudge 2 is probably not the best movie to be watching right now. Its not so much that it's a masterpiece of suspense and horror… but just totally creepy seeing the pale kid and the scary looking killer chick (doing her killing thing). I guess I'll be watching the Discovery Channel for the rest of the night.

Finally, I'm pretty excited about the long weekend… I don't have any special plans, but sleeping in late is good enough for me. Its also Chinese New Year… so, if you're Chinese, Happy New Year… if not, happy Sunday!

Well, I hope you all have a fantastic weekend and thanks for reading!

Love,

Kacee

Dr. Downer (or How I Learned to Deal With & Embrace My Angst)

"Hey! You think I'm never lonely because I'm so cute and popular? I can be surrounded by people and be completely alone. It's not like any of them really know me."

Hi everyone, that's actually a quote from an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer called "Invisible Girl" from a few years ago. Sadly, it kinda describes how I'm feeling right now. Its nearly 2am right now and I got back from the club a little bit ago. I'm comfortably nestled in bed in my pink flannel PJ's with my fuzzy slippers sitting on the ground next to my bed. . . but I wanted to jot down my thoughts while they are still fresh in my mind. 

A little bit of background. . . . for the past few days, I've been in a total funk. I really can't pinpoint where its coming from, but I suspect that its probably a combination of the holidays as well as some serious soul searching that I've been doing in trying to figure out who I am and what's in store for me. 

My Friday plans fell through and I ended up staying home last night . . . . so tonight (Saturday) was my big chance to get out. I was supposed to meet up with my normal group of friends at Bar Sinister (a local goth club) as well as a few friends from out of town. I had been up in the air about going since I never really have a great time at Sinister. . . however, I went out just to see the girls. . . plus, I had hoped that some socializing might help to snap me out of my funk. 

As I was starting to get ready, I got a call from one of my out of town friends, telling me that she and a few others weren't going to make it. In retrospect, I should've taken that as an omen. I continued to get ready and decided to pull out all the stops and look really nice. By the time I finished, I found a hot outfit (see above), paired it up with my Charles David knee high boots. I painted my nails in my favorite OPI color and topped things off with my colored contacts and a set of lashes. I was really feeling like a total hottie when I left the house. 

Things continued to go well as I got up through traffic in record time and got the last remaining spot in the parking lot. However, once I set foot in the club, I knew that things weren't quite right. I had arrived at the club just a wee bit early (around 10ish), but it was totally dead . . . which brings me to the quote above. 

I'm already in a bit of a fragile emotional state but to then walk into a club that's not happening and filled with unfriendly people (a friend had described it once as a crowd of mostly snarling goth kids) was just demoralizing. When I found my friends, they were chatting with other people and doing their own thing. . . I really didn't want to bother them. However, I really felt like Cordelia did . . . I was literally surrounded by people on all sides, but totally alone. I eventually chatted with a few of my friends but the isolation and loneliness. I mean, I can only 'people watch' so much and seeing a few girls on the stage get tied up and whipped pretty much fulfilled that quota. The problem is that, aside from people watching, there really wasn't much else to do there . . . I would've been totally happy to have a ring toss, a Mexican Hat Dance or anything to break up the monotony! 

I took a few laps around the club, discovering a few more flogging stations, but really wasn't able to make lemonade out of lemons. It was time to go. On the way to my car, the parking lot guy asked me how I was doing. . . . sad, but true, but the scary thing is that I'm pretty sure I had a longer conversation with him than with anyone inside the club. 

I realize that this isn't quite as happy and upbeat as my usual blogs, but I'm just so bummed out about things and feeling sooooo alone in the world. I really don't know what the solution to my problem is. . . perhaps I just need to take a vacation from my online presence & clubbing and focus on finding bliss. . . we'll see. 

Anyhow, I hope that you all have found your bliss and have a safe and fun new years! 

Love, 

Kacee

Back from my Boston and Canada trip, eh?

Hi everyone,

      Well, Ive been back from vacation for a few weeks and have finally gotten back into the swing of things. As a result, I have no excuse to slack off on this whole blogging thing. So here goes. . .

      First and foremost was the vacation. I had a wonderful time up in New England as well as Toronto. In the Boston area, I met up with my friend Karen. We had fun wandering out and about and even stopped off to get our nails done! The next day, we met up and paid a visit to Jamie Austin, for a much anticipated makeover and photo shoot. For starters, Im pretty happy with my normal look, but what girl doesnt like to play a glamorous game of dress up every so once in awhile? Anyhow, after Jamie finished with me, I was in totally in awe of the girl staring back at me in the mirror. I mean, it was me, but it was also MEEEEEEE!!!! I had tons of fun, trying out different looks (including the HOT blonde look you see in my profile pix) and outfits and, but for the fact that Karen and I were going to meet up with friends for dinner, I couldve continued on forever!

      At dinner, I had an opportunity to meet up with so many new and wonderful people. Everyone was so incredibly nice and I really do hope to keep in touch with all of my new New England friends! A special thanks goes out to Jamie for all of the wonderful pictures, Karen for making sure I had a full social calendar . . . and a big hug to all of the girls I met, especially Victoria and Gina!

      Toronto was also a total blast too! I had an opportunity to see and chat with many of my friends in town. I also made the most of my time and tried to sightsee as much as possible. One of my favorite outings was taking a day trip out to Niagara Falls. I mean, initially, I thought, its a waterfall . . . so what? However, as we drove up and I saw the falls for the first time, I was totally mesmerized by the majesty and power of the Falls. When I took the boat ride into the falls area, I learned why it was called The Maid of the Mist . . . but for the blue poncho they gave us to wear, I wouldve been soaked! Of course, the Asian Photo Gene set in and I took TONS of pix of the Falls!

      Now, anyone who knows me knows Im a hockey chick. . . and it just happens that the Hockey Hall of Fame is also located in Toronto. It was SOOOO totally COOL to visit the Hall and see all of the historic memorabilia. However, the true treasure was on the second level, where they keep all of the post season award trophies as well as the STANLEY CUP! It was so totally wonderful just to see the Cup up close. . . to hold it. . . kiss it and, of course, take a bunch of pictures with it too!

      Toronto was a totally fun city to visit . . . and I was so incredibly lucky to have such cool friends to hang out with too. Laurie and Valerie, Im totally grateful for both of you taking the time to show me around town. Whether we were out grabbing a yummy bite to eat and catching a show or wandering around town scratching that photography itch, I had a wonderful time! Thanks so much!

      So, Ive been back for a few weeks now, but have been trying to get out as much as possible. Last weekend, I was lucky enough to go shopping with a few friends. . . and picked up the cutest purple top, a couple of pairs of jeans (including a pair of skinny jeans which, Im told, are going to be BIG!) and a new black corset (for when Im feeling both naughty and sexy). For a girl who has a big closet full of clothes, I had to stop and think. . . do I really need more stuff? Well, duh, the answer is of course. . . YES!!!!

      So, the Fourth of July is coming up (or, as its known to my non-American friends, Tuesday). . . I dont have any big plans other than perhaps trying to meet up with a few girlfriends. . . and going to a few BBQs (but not too many or else I wont be able to fit those new skinny jeans).

      Anyhow, thanks so much to you folks who actually made it to the end of this blog without falling asleep! Im hoping to rotate a few new pix into my myspace album sometime in the next few weeks. . . keep checking back, k?

Have a wonderful 4th of July (or Happy Tuesday if youre not American)!

Love,

Kacee