Update and then some...

Hi everyone...

I haven't been updating this blog and have moved everything and started posting new posts at my new blog.
Since we last 'chatted,' I've had my surgery... and it's now been about 4 months.

I wish I could tell you I was better at updating my blog, but we all know that isn't so :(

I'll see you at the new page... https://wordpress.com/stats/atransitionallife.wordpress.com
<3

Kacee

Moving!

Hi everyone... it's been nearly two years since I last posted here.  In that time, my life has undergone so many different changes, including having gender confirmation surgery (SRS) a month ago.

I've decided to restart my blog and have a number of entries during that time.

You can find me now at Wordpress..... https://atransitionallife.wordpress.com/

<3

Kacee :)

You make me feel... like a LEGAL woman!

Hi everyone....

       Just wanted to check in really quick to let you all know that I'm now LEGALLY female.

       True.... I've been full time for a year.... and was nearly full time two years before that.... and that my driver's license and passport both show me as female.  However, prior to 2012, California law required sexual reassignment surgery  in order to change one's gender marker.  The law changed this year to allow people to legally change their gender if they've undergone "clinically appropriate treatment."

     As someone who has been in therapy for at least 6 years.... and been on hormones for 3.... and living full time for 1, I qualified.  Armed with a letter from my endocrinologist and $425 burning a hole in my purse, I went to the courthouse about 6 weeks ago to apply for the gender change.

     Although I didn't need to attend the hearing (I checked my status online), the petition was finally granted and signed yesterday.  Strangely (although I'd also argue it was 'fitting') enough, yesterday was totally uneventful... I was off work, laid in bed until the mid afternoon and went on a date from a boy who I met on a TG dating site (oh yeah, I just started that... my old dating model of 'find a good straight boy, hope he's ok with me being TG' wasn't working... so let's find boys up front who already know about me).

Anyhow.. just wanted to share... have a wonderful day, everyone!!!

To see, or not to see, that is the question

Hi everyone....

This isn't a transition related post, but I decided to repost it here anyways. My friends are having a birthday brunch this weekend and, while I'd love to see them, two people who I do NOT want to see, including a now-former friend who was trying to pump one of my good friends for information about me (epic fail!!!) and whether I was TG, will be there

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To see, or not to see, that is the question:

Whether ‘tis nobler in the mind to suffer

The presence and idiotic words of obnoxious people,

Or to take refuge in my dwelling

And, by staying at home, remaining in bed.  To avoid- to rejoice

With apologies to the Bard, this is the dilemma that I now face.

As much as I love friends who are hosting a get together meal this weekend, there are two people, among the many who were part of the big Augean Stable cleaning/ purge of a few weeks ago.  While our “friendships” had ended long ago, I still kept them around to see what idiocy they would post… and, quite honestly, they never failed to disappoint.  Over time, I realized that I was better off not knowing about them… as snickering at the inane thoughts passed through their simple minds just got boring.

Even though I have previously purged these people from my Facebook page, I’m not able to fully remove them from my life.  There are many people that I would love to see at the get together this weekend… however, I do not have the desire to associate or deal with these two people. 

Friends, who are attending and know of my quandary, tell me that I can sit with them and avoid the toxic ones… although, how do I ensure that?  And, short of wearing ear plugs and using sign language (which would be difficult as I only know how to sign one thing… and it’s mainly used when I drive) how do I block their ‘blah blah blah’ from destroying the happiness I feel from being friends whose company I actually *DO* enjoy?

To see, or not to see, that is the question...

Today, Kacee is officially one year old!!!!!

        Hi everyone.....

     Today is the one year anniversary of going full time.. and the four year anniversary of starting hormones.  I have to confess that I never thought I'd get to this point because of all of the self hate, shame and the "Asian issues" that I felt about being transgendered.

     However, look where I am today!!!  Aside from some difficulties at my former office with my boss (I've since been transferred), things have truly been wonderful. While I was unofficially full time (full time outside of work) two years before I officially went full time (all of the time), there is something just so refreshing and amazingly energizing about being able to be myself all of the time..... to be seen and perceived as I view myself!

     Sure, things aren't perfect..... I still haven't met the perfect man or woman.... and I'm still in that 'in between' stage before SRS, but I know that I could never go back to being a boy!  I feel the happiness and joy and have had others tell me that they've seen a difference in me... between the boy they saw before and the happy, smiling woman standing before them today.

     While I'm still living stealth, I have reached out to various friends over the past year, opening up to ones who I trust and who I know will be loving and supportive.  I have also moved to distance myself from those who I know won't be as accepting.

     As for my family, things are more wonderful than ever with my parents.  Both are loving and accepting and, I can honestly say, I have a much better relationship with them now then ever before.  My sister, unfortunately, is still not accepting or (at least appearing to) make an effort to understand or care... while I mourn the loss of the relationship with my sister and, in particular, my 2 1/2 year old niece, I realize that I have done everything I could to be there for them.... and hopefully, some day in the near future, my sister will open up her mind and allowing me into her life.

     Being stealth-girl, I couldn't post a big "today is my first anniversary of being full time" blog on my pages..... on my first day of being full time, I posted a blog about the Karine 365 project.... much of it dealt with being able to be myself (ahem... Kacee) all the time... but there were other parts about just taking steps to make my life happier.  With the context of what Kacee 365 is all about... here's that blog reposted :)

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     A year ago today, I posted a blog about starting the Kacee 365 project in which I would be “making a conscious effort, in the next year, to live my life on my terms and to be the woman who I want to be.” Unlike the Photo 365 projects (which most people started, went strong for about 30 days, then totally abandoned), my Kacee 365 project was more personal, not requiring me to post daily updates about life but, instead, to just live a more genuine existence and to find positivity. 

            During the last year, I have suffered bumps and bruises, shed lots of tears, but have emerged a much happier and stronger woman. Looking back at last year’s blog, I set three goals for myself.

Goal #1:  To be *ME*

The primary goal of Kacee 365 was to be able to live life the way that *I* wanted and to allow people to see the real me.  While I did not project a false persona to people, I had always been more guarded about opening up and letting the world see me… this girl.   I had so much fear and anxiety about being so open and vulnerable to people.  In the last year, I have shown more of the genuine Kacee to the world than ever, for better or worse, and the results, without a doubt, have been truly wonderful. 

            Without a doubt, the most wonderful aspect of the past year has been rediscovering my smile.  While I’ve always had, flashed and shown the smile, in the past it hasn’t always been genuine.  As a graduate of the “when in doubt, just smile and people will leave you alone” school of thought, a smile wasn’t always a sign of my happiness.  During this past year, I’ve noticed my smile return and backed up by the joy, glee and excitement that I feel.  Friends have also noticed, telling me that I just seem much happier than I did in the past. 

           

            While I’ve accomplished much in my goal to be *ME*, I realize that I still have work to do.  I have confidence and self-love, but I still notice that I will sacrifice what I want in order to appease others.  Moving forward, I need to focus less on what others think and focus more on making my dreams, wishes and hopes a reality.

Goal #2:  Avoid Drama

            Sadly, over the past few years, there are have been many casualties of Kacee 365… I have made a concerted effort to distance myself and, in some cases, banish people from my life, who have only brought me drama, grief, stress and unhappiness.  What amazes me the most is that, looking back, a year ago, I considered some of these (now distanced) people my closest friends, which is either a testament to how I have honed my ability to read people or how incredibly blind I was to the stealth energy vampires and drama mosquitoes, who swarmed around me to suck out my vitality and life.  The up (and down) side of it all is that I have much more quiet time for myself, which is always nice but, at some points, can be lonely. 

            However, with the subtraction of some people in my life, I’m happy about the addition of much more loving, supportive and drama free friends… as well as the strengthening of existing, positive friendship bonds and ties.  I have been able to reach out beyond my standard circle of friends to meet and get to know such a diverse group of interesting, loving and nonjudgmental people.  Branching out to other groups and people became a necessity for me since I started to realize that one group of acquaintances, in particular, was becoming highly toxic and unhealthy.  While there are still wonderful loving people that I met through and still keep in touch with from that group, I feel that a large portion of that group bordered on (and often crossed the lines) being emotionally unhealthy.  

            In the upcoming year (and beyond), I will try to be more careful about where I invest my emotional energy and love.  I will no longer waste it on people who are not worthy and need to hone my ‘Spidey sense” in rooting out the undeserving.  It’s clearly a task that’s much easier said than done.

Goal 3:  Achieving my body goals

            In the past year, I have also made strides in attaining the body that I want.  Even though I’m still self-conscious walking around in a bikini, I am much more confident in doing it than I was in the past.  In learning to accept my body, I have started to love my attributes, to embrace my flaws and accept accountability for the choices that I make.  I’d love to tone up a bit more but realize that Yogurtland or skipping the gym, while not the best ideas, will delay the achievement of perfect body that I am hoping for. 

Conclusion:

            The last year has been filled with positives and negatives but, in the end, has been overwhelmingly wonderful. I mourn the friendships that have fallen by the wayside, but take joy in knowing that there are many other wonderful people who have stepped up to fill in that void.  I am so amazingly lucky in feeling the love and support to open up to many more friends about where I’ve been, where I am and where I hope to go. 

            I am elated that the first year of Kacee 365 has been so amazingly wonderful and successful.  I start year two with even more joy, exuberance, and enthusiasm towards making all of my wishes and desires a reality and being at that place in life where I want to be.  However, in the big picture, I realize that it’s not about a Kacee 365 year two (or year ten)… in order to find the happiness which I seek, I’m focused on a Kacee 365 lifetime. 

Dusting along the baseboards of the Augean Stable

               This is something that I posted to my regular, non tg/transition blog.  While, in its current form, it's not totally relevant to the issue of transition, I did have some tg life thoughts about it.

                If a friend starts posting anti tg/gay things on their Facebook wall, do you just delete them or do you try to talk to them to see what's going on?  For me, a particularly delicate issue is that I'm living, for the most part, stealth.  In talking to a friend, do I out myself and let them know how hurtful it is?  Or do I just speak in terms of 'my gay or tg friend?"

                I had a similar issue arise recently in a different context... this past weekend, I came out to a friend about being tg.  She told me that she already strongly suspected that for a few reasons, but, also because, at one point, we were talking about how an acquaintance, who claimed he was tg but was, in reality, just an attention whore weirdo.  I had raised the topic in the context of "I have tg friends.. I'm offended because it trivializes the struggle that my friends go through." My friend mentioned that she started to get suspicious because I was a bit too vigorous in my disapproval of what the crazy person was doing.  So, bring us back to my previous point... if you speak to the anti gay/tg person about it, how do you do it in such a way that you don't unintentionally out yourself?

               Hate speech isn't the only type of tiresome Facebook post; what about rah rah tg/gay friends who *ONLY* post things about being gay or tg?  While it's nice to have friends who are dedicated to the community, getting continuous spam on your Facebook wall about everything trans/gay is also annoying?  The decision to delete/talk is even more delicate because they think they're doing something positive to advance the community... and will not understand why you have a problem with it.

                  Anyhow, I really don't have an answer as to how to deal with the people I've just mentioned and the ones in the blog below... but I'd love to hear your thoughts!

               

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                 Today’s question of the hour is, “at what point do I start deleting or dealing with people because of the idiotic rubbish they post on Facebook?” 

                When I cleaned out the Augean Stables a few weeks ago, I got rid of a lot of dead weight, as well as people that I only kept around for ‘bad karma’ purposes (i.e. I wanna see what stupid, ridiculous stuff they say so I can snicker at it).  However, I left a few people on who aren’t really objectionable to me, but seem to relish starting political arguments or spamming the world with their ideology.

               

                I appreciate the fact that, on their own Facebook walls, people are allowed to say what they want (within limits, of course) and that it’s not my job, duty or right to shout them down ***on their own wall.***  A year ago, I had an extremely needy and self righteous acquaintance who felt that she was entitled to go onto *other* people’s Facebook walls and lecture them about the wrongs that they had committed in her eyes.  While I shut her down when she tried that on my page, she didn’t learn her lesson and continued her lecture series on a number of other friends’ walls.  When I called her on that, she blocked me… and, problem solved.  Still I doubt that this person has realized the errors of her ways but, if she doesn’t change, she’s going to lose more people and, eventually won’t have anyone to read her hourly prayer request solicitations (my ‘BINGO!!!’ request would’ve been one for sympathy because someone put the wrong emphasis on the second syllable of Gesundheit after she sneezed).

                I had a (now former) friend who, even though we resided in the same area of the political spectrum, spent her days going through blogs and pages, reposting… every…single… article… about how X, Y and Z were destroying America.  I deleted her (it didn’t hurt that I later learned she was a stark, raving, drama filled lunatic) because, even though it was a more politically compatible message with my views, I just couldn’t handle the crap overload... as well as the “I dare you to disagree with me” trolling that she was doing.  I had another (also now former) acquaintance at the opposite end of the spectrum, who wrote tomes to troll about how A, B, and C were destroying America.  When people dared to disagree with him, he and his cronies would just tee off on the dissent, calling them names, ridiculing them and saying inappropriate things.  While I never got involved in his posts, I was appalled that he allowed this crap to happen on his page and did not put an end to it.  I deleted him (it didn’t hurt that he was creepy).  These two examples are people who are clearly trolls and bullies… and I don’t regret their disappearance from my Facebook universe.

Getting back on topic, the thing about Facebook is that, when people start posting crap on their own walls, it ends up popping up on my news feed.  Don’t get me wrong… I have a few friends that post some political stuff, some funny stuff and some interesting stuff... that’s fine.  I’m thinking more about the political trollers whose posts are always inflammatory and overly opinionated.  Facebook, thankfully, has given me a number of options to effectively deal with these posts.  Which brings me back to my main point... what do I do with Facebook friends who are otherwise nice people, but whose political venom and bias spill out in every post they put online?  Do I hide them?  Do I delete them?  Do I block them? Do I tell them to knock it off?

I, unfortunately, don’t have an answer.  It’s still not my place to tell someone that ‘your posts are at an 11, take it down to a 6,’ so I’m left to make a choice whether I want to sever that friendship or block/hide them, sending them into the Facebook equivalent of “The Sixth Sense” (yeah, we’re friends, but I don’t see you).  None of these options are particularly ideal, but I have to evaluate how irritated I am by their posts versus the value of their friendship. 

Do you all have a universal rule that you follow?  Or is it more of a case by case analysis?  The Facebook friendship of someone who you don’t know hangs in the balance!

Return of the Kacee (cue the Star Wars theme and scrolling text)

Late last week, my fabulous prom date (who, after graduation, had gotten married, later divorced her husband, embraced her lesbian identity and is currently in a relationship with a woman) texted me to ask whether I was going to our 20^th high school reunion.  While I may have received emails in ‘his’ Facebook inbox about the reunion, I really haven’t paid much attention to them.  I mean, why disturb the thin layer of dust thats settled over ‘his’ neglected Facebook account to read them?

Intrigued, I checked and, sure enough, the reunion is set this weekend in our school’s gym.  For the paltry sum of $100, I will be able to dine on the finest foods (maybe) and imbibe freely in the open bar (keeping in mind my tipsy limit of one whopping drink) in the sweaty gross place where I spent many a tortured morning in all campus masses.  (As an aside, have I mentioned that I’m not really Catholic?  Yeah, those weren’t fun.)

As a bit of background, I didn’t attend the 10^th or 15^th reunions because I didn’t care to see the majority of those people.  I have kept in touch with my group of high school friends and, at those gatherings, hear gossip about the others who I have not kept in contact with.  Growing up transgendered, high school was a difficult time for me.  While the teenage me couldn’t comprehend that I was transgendered, I just never felt comfortable in my own skin.  I was the awkward, nerdy Asian boy who played with computers and took the geeky math and science classes.  While I’m sure that it would’ve come in handy had I pursued a career involving math and science (d’oh!), it also meant that I didn’t have much of a social life.  Consequently, while many would consider high school their glory years, for me, it was akin to a 4 year proctological exam administered by Mickey Mouse and his big Mickey mitts.

My initial knee jerk response was that I would only go for bad karma reasons… to see how many times the kids, who used to tease and make fun of me, had been to prison, whether they live in trailer parks, if they clean up after buffalo with digestive problems for a living or if they have fewer teeth in their mouth than an 11 month old infant.  However, while amusing, none of these seemed to be a good enough reason to drop a Ben Franklin and spend an evening at the reunion.

As a result, when my prom date first reminded me of the reunion, the memories of high school didn’t exactly prompt an immediate ‘hell yeah.’  Over the weekend, I’ve had more of an opportunity to think and chat with friends about whether this is something that I’d like to attend.  I mean, going to an all Catholic high school, how would people handle a transsexed Kacee?  Will people relate to me?  Or treat me as an outcast because they think I’m freaky?  Even worse, what about the senior portrait pic on my “Hi! I’m Kacee, really… even though there’s a picture of a boy in the left corner of this name tag” name tag?    

With all of these worries in mind, why would I consider going to the reunion?  I could spend my $100 on a much more fabulous and yummy dinner.  If they’re charging $100 for a dinner in the gym, they better be serving mesquite grilled unicorn drizzled with a chutney made from the fruit from the Tree of Life and Knowledge… but I’m sure it’ll be rubber chicken, soggy vegetables or ‘mystery meat’ meatloaf. 

While reliving the torturous high school years isn’t something that I really want to do, I’m hoping to gain some insight into that awkward boy… and how he became the confident self aware woman I am today.  Second, as the nerdy Asian boy, I really didn’t know a lot of the people who I see trading messages on the reunion chat page; perhaps this is a good chance to get to know some new people.  Third, in light of the difficulties I’ve been having at work with my boss, post transition, perhaps I can meet someone, hit a networking home run and find a shiny new job.  However, the most important reason to go to the reunion is for myself.  As a nerdy Asian boy, I never felt at home at school or in my own body.  This weekend will allow me to retread his steps down the hall and into the gym… this time, in fabulous heels and radiating the wonderful and loving feminine spirit within me. 

Do I know that things will go well?  Will I meet some interesting people?  Will I get to knee one of the jerks who messed with me back then in the groin?  Will they serve mesquite grilled unicorn meat?  While, I don’t know the answers to any of these questions (perhaps, except for the last one)… the main attraction is the adventure of showing up and seeing where it takes me.